This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Saturday, 5 May 2012

what did happen the other week? well, I got stressed trying to prepare myself for a special event, my old friends couldn't get here and my newer friends didn't understand how important the event was, so I was deeply stressed and barely clean and neat enough and I felt sad because of my old friends not being there and silly because I was not really smart enough, it got too crowded and claustraphobic for me and I walked out of the event.
So, I ended up upset, so did my friends.
I had left all my things at their house and because I ran away they went home, I had no way of getting home or making contact as my phone and wallet was at their house. Someone kindly gave me the bus fare home.
We worked things out.

The next day I went to church with one of my friends while the other friend was working at the other church. It was ok, and then in the afternoon we went to the house of one set of their parents, about 35 miles away, it was nice, good food and lots of it, plenty of tea, then I went for a walk while they talked, I had a walk to a park nearby, there was a small ice rink and I had a stiff and painful skate, and felt very happy about that.
Then I went back, I ended up having a good chat with my friend's mum, who is a samaritan and it did me good to talk to her.
Then we went home.
For most of the week I stayed home in the morning while they were out at work, because they were waiting for a parcel to be delivered and I waited in to sign for it.
Then the dog belonging to the other parents came to stay, and I took to walking him, and realised how scared I am of open spaces and people on open spaces, and people in town, it is not madness, it is agorophobia.
After all these years of not understanding!

My friends want me to stay here for now, sometimes the horrors of what has happened makes me want to run away, but we take each day at a time.
Being here is dragging the bad memories and flashbacks out, but that may be a sign that my closed down system is waking up a bit.
I started studying again during last week, and enquired about an OU access course as well, but the OU are notoriously awkward to people with communication problems or who have unusual circumstances, and at the moment that is a stalemate.

Anyway, considering what has happened, and what my situation is, studying and all my other attempts to better myself make me feel useless and depressed, and make me want to give up, as well as causing flashbacks, I was trying so damn hard with my education when my life was taken off me.

Anyway, I have had a taste of living in a family home, lots of good food and tea, movies, talking, dog walking, this is a real family home, not the arrogant houses of the people who have damaged and abused me and left me on the streets destroyed.
But the one thing I cannot do without extreme discomfort, is sleep in a bed in a house, I still sleep on the floor of my friends' conservatory.
And even just being in the house and sleeping in the conservatory is on the very limit of my tolerance, and the bad memories and guilt and shame and depression and distress still overwhelm me, despite having been to confession and all the rest of it and supposedly being forgiven by God, being condemned by church leaders when you are vulnerable is an unhealable wound.

The weather has remained constantly wet, with strong winds sometimes, and the temperature has dropped sharply recently, at night I hear the rain drumming on the roof as I struggle to sleep.
I am not sleeping well indoors, and I dread bedtime and the dreams and depression, but I also know I would be in real difficulties if I was out in this weather with no proper shelter day and night for all this time, it has rained for a month or so now.
I wonder if they could drain off the groundwater that is everywhere and fill the reservoirs and end the droughts in parts of the country.

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