Friday Night

Just to say I am ok and with friends and will be offline a lot in the nxt week.

Friday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I forgot this blog until I saw the stalkerstat on the feed. I thought I can't let the stalkerstat down, I had better update.

Well last night my sleep was tough and troubled and I was ill. I had some sleep.
I woke at a reasonable hour and felt very ill, I downed a load of painkillers and sat here drinking tea and typing, and twittering! :)

I have been multi-tasking, packing a bag, doing the cleaning and also typing.

I am not well, but there's not much to be done about that, plenty of fluids, warmth, painkillers, and a few days with my friends when I go out today.
I have had a slow walk to the shops, still not sure why so slow, but there has been a slight breakthrough in the deadlock, and thus I may be able to have a spine and walking assessment soon.

If  this blog is not updated in the next few days, it is because I am with friends and resting, so don't get stressed :)

Thursday Evening

Good evening,
I am sitting here quietly, I walked to the shop and was exhausted and shivering, I could imagine all the usual people nagging me about being out and not wearing a warmer coat.

I got the reduced stuff, which is why I shop in the evenings, milk, bread, grapes, orange juice, all the good stuff.

Back again, I am sitting here, trying to work, because I have a lot to do and I am due to stay with friends over the weekend, which will help, but my house and work needs to be in order first.

Thursday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

I went to the post office to post my letters, the man there is funny.
I posted my letters and got a ready meal for my lunch, which I have busily consumed.

I am chockful of painkillers and feeling a bit better.
Everyone is getting sick at the moment, I just seem to have got a double dose of it, with my cervical vertebrae and trapezium muscles adding their shout to everything.


I keep wanting to go back to bed, but it would be too easy to give up and go to bed for a year, so I will clip my nails and do the washing up instead.

It is letter writing day, so I must continue to write and try and break the deadlock.

I am all tense and sad and anxious.
I do not want to walk, walking down to the post office is the limit at the moment.

Thursday Morning

Eventually I slept last night,
I woke this morning in the same despair as has been recently, and as dizzy and sick as usual.

I took painkillers and did acupressure and plugged into a cup of tea.

Then I went to the shop, some money was in, so I got milk and a something to eat and some phone credit.

I do not have much money to spare, and can do very little about it.
The deadlock continues, while there hundreds of pounds owed to me with no way of me getting that money.

I notice my stalkerstat making a fuss of this blog yesterday and not the other, and then 'vanishing' of the main feed.
Is this a sign that the diocese are waiting for the police to find me?

I am here, sick, tired and waiting. There has to be an end somehow somewhere.

Wednesday Evening

It has been a terrible day. I am sick and in pain, and I cannot sleep even if I do my usual, pretending I am sleeping rough in my blanket pile, I pull the duvet round my head and I pretend I am out there somewhere, sleeping peacefully in the cold dark night, usually it works.
I gave my notice in today.
I am tired and in pain and I want to sleep peacefully under the stars, every day is futile and the horrors of the diocese and their police, and the fear of them, smashes over me again and again, I am on trial and guilty every single day, with no ability to defend myself, and I know that on the streets it will fade a bit, just as it used to when it got bad when I stayed with friends and got better when I went back out.

I have had a mug of warm soup and I will try to sleep again soon.

when did I get so sick? was I only sick this week or has it been building while the church destroyed me?

Really not feeling well.

Wednesday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime.
Well last night I had terrifying distressing dreams about Jane Fisher's police coming after me and getting me.
I woke up sick, again, this morning band struggled to sort myself out.
By lunchtime I had some porridge and fruit.

I see no point at all in this life, I have been completely let down and cannot live this way, and so I look forward to returning to my real life, on the streets, soon.

Tuesday evening

Good evening,
Well I am physically and mentally wrecked, this time indoors has been a hiding to nothing and I can't really keep it up, it has been such a terrible strain, not sleeping well and battling with all my might to ensure I can live indoors, but to what purpose? I have no money and no occupation, I cannot do study, cannot pay the rent and look after myself, cannot go in not sleeping and waiting for the diocese and their police to destroy me.

I just can't do any more, I made steak and kidney and mash earlier but have not eaten anything else, I spent the last of the money on a bottle of milk.
I couldn't go to therapy or even social this week.
Every way I look at things, I am screwed, I can do not more.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,

stalkerstat, why are you on this blog and not the other?
How rude.
Stalkerstat, are you a robot? make your stat read portsmouth or gosport again?

Anyway, I slept eventually last night, hard to sleep and woke this morning to the bad news that the deadlock is not over.
Basically despite my best efforts and a lot of work and distress, I have been unable to sort out the poverty and bearacricy, so I can't afford to live indoors.

Basically, I have never slept well indoors and I live in terror of the diocese and their police, and when they launch the final destroyal of me, it is better that it happens to me on the streets rather than them ripping my friends and community from me again.
So I am going to give my notice next week and go back to sleeping sweetly and wandering alone, I will start feeling better very quickly.

When the diocese left me homeless and ruined, they left me with a Jersey bank account and overdraft that I could not resolve from the streets of the UK, and as you can imagine, I was left with problems as a result, and living in a house means that such problems prevent me from having a bank account or any form of financial help, so I am living destitute to keep a roof over my head and unable to get food or therapy, and if I return to the streets, I will feel safer, be safer from the diocese and their police, and be able to get food and therapy.

Monday Evening

Good evening,
Well this morning I walked to town, which counts as a long walk.
I went to the welfare and wailed miserably at them about Everything Being Wrong.
There is no cure for that so they vaguely patted me on the head and got me a pot of tea.
Then I wandered home again.

I have been busy with paperwork and a bit of blog and just drifting, I feel so tired and dull and sleepy.

I am doing rice and salmon for tea. I do not like tinned salmon, I prefer fresh salmon, but beggars cannot be choosers, not that I'm a beggar.

I cleaned the bathroom and generally everything is clean and tidy.The rice is soaking and the salmon is waiting on the table, it smells fishy :(

Monday Morning

Good morning,

Well it was hard to get to sleep even though I was so tired, and I had horrifying nightmares as well as dreaming about my sister, she often vaguely disturbs my dreams these days.
She and I were friends until the crisis that the diocese caused disrupted things.

I woke up tired, dizzy and hot this morning.
Thankfully the deadlock with paperwork and beauracricy has been partially resolved this morning, and, if I am lucky, I will have money by the end of the week.

I have had to miss therapy today though, as you can tell.

I do not feel too good, tired and useless. Never mind, I am going to weed the other blog today and do some work on it.

Sunday Evening

Good evening,
Well this morning I was collected for Church, we were delayed by a road being closed and arrived eventually.
The sermon was good and some of my favourite songs were sung.

After church I went back with my friends and a few of their other friends and we had a great roast meal :)

I helped in the kitchen but I felt very tired.
They plugged me into a jigsaw puzzle after lunch, which is an ideal thing to do, because I can get tired and overwhelmed, and I was so tired, so when they asked if I was coming to evening church, I asked if I could have a lift home instead as I was exhausted, so I came home and have been quietly being quiet.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,
Well I woke early, and had a shower and have been lazily sitting here and typing.
I have had some tea and biscuits, I never like eating in the morning.
My room is quite tidy and I just have to get dressed and be ready to be collected for church.

Saturday evening

Good evening,

I got my washing done and it is drying.

We are still having electrical problems.

I have done some sorting out of paperwork and posessions, and have had my evening meal, ham and potatoes and vegetables.

I am not inspired to blog or do anything, I am a bit tired, so I may have an early night (haha), I would probably end up lying there awake.

Saturday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,
Well, it has been a mixture.
As I sat here blogging this morning, I got a lovely email from my friends, asking if I wanted a lift to church and to come to lunch tomorrow.
So that is nice :)

I set out on the grim mission, and was happy to find a soaking wet £10 lying on the ground.
So I walked along holding that to dry it out, and it did.

Sadly the rest of the morning was not good news.
The lack of movement and co-ordination I now have is shocking.
I sat there telling my body to move, telling my legs to move, and they wouldn't.
Basically this is now a serious issue, I need to do something.
Sitting here, my legs will move, but earlier, just no movement or co-ordination at all.
I can't do it.
And I do need to get an assessment and some advice, I am not old enough to be in this state.
I should not be like this, how did I let this happen?

Anyway, the £10 meant I got some milk and squash and reduced food, and also the internet is on for the moment.
I am just waiting to do my washing, so that I can bowl into church looking and smelling fairly clean tomorrow.

I think I will have a quiet afternoon being quiet, which is a change from being quiet as usual.

Saturday Morning

Good morning,
Well the other blog broke it's daily stats record yesterday.
I managed to sleep reasonably early after the usual battle.

The dreams were an interesting mix, my friends being overwhelmingly kind, and Jane Fisher and Jill Lihou making my life miserable in their own unique ways.

I was reluctant to get up this morning, especially as, after discussion yesterday, today's venture is going ahead, and I am just unsure about it in every way, I am not really strong enough.

The electrics are still going off here, we are without lights.

Be warned, I will also not be able to keep the internet going soon, so if I go quiet, the internet is too costly for a few days while I fight for my money.
I am sitting without pain, walking with difficulty, and my arm, which is new to the pain orchestra, is hurting instead.

Friday Evening

I had a long walk this afternoon, a slow long walk as my legs and back are painful and less co-ordinated than ever, sitting down has become very painful too.
But I was pleased with my long walk, apart from the hailstorms!  Humpf!

I got home and was pleased with my warm clean home, sat here and blogged, watched my usual programmes, and now I am all ready for a few hours of struggling to sleep.

Friday lunchtime

Good lunchtime.

I did my washing up and posted yet another letter about the money situation.
I decided not to do the linen and towel wash today as the electricity keeps going off!

I did rice, spam and tomatos for lunch, a bit like a risotto with no onion, very nice.

I have done todays task of sorting the wardrobe out, but I do not know how to do my final 'office' email of the day, which is to cancel tomorrow's venture due to no money preventing it.
I have had to cancel monday's therapy, and I am screaming mad with frustration.

Friday Morning

Good morning,
Last night I had the usual battle to sleep. Slept eventually, dreamed of sailing.
Woke up seeing no point in the day, but at least I woke up when the alarms went off and got up.

Started blogging, showered, then had to deal with more rubbish by email, which did not put me in a good mood, I am at the end of my tether, even though I have no tether, goats have tethers to stop them eating the washing.

I had a brief walk anyway, then the electrics went off, but the right person appeared immediately and chastised the fuseboard.

I wrote a cross email about the email I got, and I am feeling very rattled.
Why can't things be simple? I have been battling uselessly for weeks and nearly given up now.

Thursday Evening

Well, nearly another week and neither money nor paperwork are sorted, so I will have to miss therapy again on Monday, as there is no way this will be sorted out tomorrow!
I had a sleep this afternoon, and although I still feel ill, I am on my feet, got the hoovering done and have been drinking tea.
Elle is babysitting me on twitter which is also a comfort.

I may get some blogwork done today.
I also think I will do emails and office work. sitting proudly at my little desk! :)

Thursday afternoon

I got up this morning, it was hard to walk.
I got down to the welfare and got food.
I waited and waited for my friends and felt increasingly sick,
so I attempted to get to the other bus stop,
some other friends saw me and gave me a lift home.
I am in bed.
My friends said there is a virus going round
I do not know if this is a virus or if the recent Jersey farce was one of the final last straws.

Wednesday Night

Good evening,
well it has been a tough day, remnants of allergy distress and then the shock of more Jersey onslaught, I just felt wretched, thankfully I was taught on a WRAP course to look after myself even when I feel awful, and that helps to bring me out of the darkness.

So I tidied my house and I put on a better top and pinned my hair so I looked less of a fright, the house was lovely and clean apart from the hoovering, the hoover had wandered nortily off and I searched and called for it but no hoover replied, it has only recently returned and is sitting guiltily in the hall, looking much healthier, how norty.

Anyway, the problem with no mail this morning was because we have lost our postman, tut tut, and the post was delivered this evening, too late for me to grab the important letter and put it in an envelope and send it off, well actually I did, but had missed the last post! how frustrating!

And the day remained frustrating, I decided on my walk at last but it was pouring with rain, so I got a bus, and there was a shrieking kid for miles, which is not what I needed after a day like this, so I got off the bus and had my walk as the rain had eased, had a peaceful walk and got another noisy bus home, both buses smelled awful, so my outing did not help me to relax much.

My friends are worried because I freaked over the Jersey farce, and I am still very upset.
I got some reduced chicken and yogurt from the supermarket and had supper, and I am just winding down for the day, too late to hoover, so I am just going through my evening routine, all carefully in sequence.
Hope tomorrow brings less bullshit and more hope.

I have to go and beg at the welfare in the morning, but my bus pass runs out at 10.30, so how I am going to get home with a food parcel, I do not know.

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon.
I heard yesterday that there had been more nonsense in Jersey about me.
That on top of the allergic reaction caused me to break down.

So I have been useless, all my work and plans ruined again.

I slept until 3am though, when I was disturbed and eventually slept again, I didn't want to get up this morning at all.
Eventually I did, and I am just miserably uselessly hanging about, no progress with anything, no letters, nothing, just a miserable empty wait, while Jersey  has launched this further trouble on me, honestly, his attacks on me are always unprovoked and I am never prepared, nor is there ever an apology or explanation or my permission to take my name in vain.

I have dragged myself through the shower and tried to tidy up, but I feel completely useless, I cannot do anything and I look awful, anyone else would be ashamed to be seen like this, but I cannot get money so I cannot get a haircut or clothes, I looked better and was a lot smarter when I was on the streets where I belong, where I can go beyond jersey and the diocese and their games.
I am going to return to the streets if things do not improve within a week, there is no reason at all to sit miserably in a shitty indoors when my home is out there, safe from Jersey and the Diocese.
I am at breaking point, indoors has been one long pointless miserable useless hell that magnify's the Diocese's destroyal of me hundreds of times.

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

well I slept this afternoon, I had nightmares about Jersey and yachts and children being thown overboard.
I woke to the news that Jersey are screwing with my life, so that wrecked the remainder of the day, I never got my walk.
I am still not right from the allergic reaction.
I will sleep soon.
Jersey and the diocese will be the death of me.

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well I went and socialized but felt quite unwell.
My friends were busy and I wanted to come home to bed, they gave me milk and breadsticks to bring home and I told them I could just do with some houmous to go with the breadsticks, and I was in luck, because when I stopped at the shops on the way home, there was houmous reduced, so I got some and had houmous and breadsticks for lunch.
I haven't exactly gone back to bed, I have had an anti-histamine and am resting, I am still thinking about my walk, but I don't feel too good.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,
I took anti-histamine last night and I slept, slept solid until this morning, I woke up from a lovely endless dream about sailing with a most lovely sailing club, I would rather have stayed there with them than come back to reality.

I was groggy and dizzy and couldn't stand and walk very well.
But after a sugary cuppa I felt a bit better, and I got dressed and walked down to make sure there was money in for his landlordship, because he is partial to a bit of rent here and there.
Then I have had my shower and will shortly go and socialize wiv me pals.

Monday Night

I am very tired, but I got home.

I am battling with asthma and a definite allergic reaction. I will look but I don't know if I have any anti-histamines, I will try some inhaler and I am tired so I will sleep.

Monday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I went to therapy, and that was fine, my friend collected me from therapy and we went and had a hot chocolate and went out for a drive and a walk.
Then we went to get some lunch.
We had a good chat about all sorts of things, and then she dropped me off and I am very tired but I have to wait for a meeting before I can go home.

Just to add. I may be offline this evening through to about 9am tomorrow, hit and miss, it is about travelling and internet set-ups.
Then tomorrow will be my scheduled social day as normal, so I will be offline at least part of the day.

I am not doing well with allergies today, I started with an allergic reaction to someone's perfume on public transport this morning, I have had a reaction possibly to something I ate, and it has swollen my face and mouth a bit, and I am still having slight asthma problems.

Monday Morning

Well I wandered dozily down to the bus. It was raining lightly.
It was a nice journey through the dark, but the winter is sadly fading away so the lovely dark mornings and evenings will be gone soon :(

The floods meant that the bus had to stop and let us walk the last bit of the journey to the terminal
But I got here.
Despite someone's perfume nearly giving me an asthma attack.
I am just having a coffee while I wait for therapy, and then I will have lunch with my friend, I think.

Monday morning 6am

Good morning peeps,
Yes, I slept! :)
I slept sometime between 10 and 11pm and slept until the alarm went off, I have just showered and had a cuppa and I will be heading out soon. Busy day.

Sunday Evening

Well I am tired, I may sleep, if I am lucky.

This morning I trotted up to church, the floodwaters have receded slightly but not much.

I was greeted and made very welcome at church as I have not been around much due to tiredness, depression and other circumstances.
I sat with my friends but I was very tired and I kind of semi-dozed through a very good sermon, I heard every word, but afterwards my friend said she thought I was going to fall off my chair! Our preachers are good, and I was not making a statement by dozing! I am just not sleeping enough at night, I hope to get an early night as I have an early start and a long day tomorrow.

After church, we were all talking away for ages, and it was all very social and lovely.
Then my friends invited me for lunch and we had fish and vegetables and potatos, so that was lovely.
We did some jigsaw puzzles as that is good for me, helps everything.
Then we went for a walk and I got the bus home.

Home I have just been quietly drifting, as well as suffering flashbacks.

Sunday morning

Good morning,
Well I went for my walk, it was dark when I set out, the beginning of dawn, I miss waking up and seeing the dawn on the streets.
I walked and it got light, and I was the wonderful sight of the sunrise turning the clouds red and gold on one horizon while a large full moon hung in the clear sky on the other, it was cold and clear and everywhere was silent and deserted, it was lovely to be out at that time again.

I came back and showered and had some breakfast, and it will be time for church soon.

Sunday morning 6am

Well I slept eventually after a long time of sleepless stress, I woke in the dark and thought that the clock said 2.20am, I went to the loo and back in bed, I looked at the clock and it said 5.30am, so that wasn't so bad.
I was having terrors of the church of england, and it will take time for that to fade.
I was threatened with prison in court in Sussex, did you know that?
I was threatened by Tim Dakin for begging him and his diocese to leave my personal life alone when they had me traced and launched on, did you know that?
The Diocese would have me put away again if it wasn't for public image, did you know that?
I live in terror of what they are planning to do to extinguish me, did you know that?

I am sitting in bed with a cuppa.
I wish I could outwit the diocese by dying suddenly of a heart attack or something, but if I did, they would malign me to my community and the press anyway.

Saturday evening

Well the weather stayed really bad, so eventually I booted myself out for a short walk and a longer bus ride.
The flooding was worse, with one road closed, and amazingly deep and vast floods getting alarmingly close to the road and railway and houses.
I had a ride around and stopped at the supermarket for a few essentials on the way home.
I had been ill most of the day but now feeling significantly better.
I wonder why my legs also are worse when I get sick from low blood sugar?
Anyway, I am settled ready to sleep, showered, fed and tucked in bed.
Hopefully sleep and wake better and be up for church in the morning!

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I had great difficulty sleeping last night, terror of the diocese.
So, when my alarm went off this morning, i crawled miserably out of bed, went to the loo, drank some water, and slept again, until midday!

I woke at midday, horrified, and had again missed signing for my recorded delivery, this is more of the limitless damage the diocese are doing!
And to make it all worse, my friend had sent me a message saying they would be round to drop something off, in 30 minutes!
How to shower and dress and tidy your home in a hurry as soon as you wake! :)

Anyway, by the time they arrived, I was waiting outside for them, they dropped off something I had asked for, and we chatted before they went for an appointment up the road.
I did myself a big bowl of porridge with milk and sugar, because my blood sugar had dropped too much and so now I am not too well.

The storm is still raging, a bit, so I need to go out for a walk and enjoy it.

Friday Night

Peter Kay on television, a hot cuppa, and my blogs and fear about the diocese.
The storm is violently battering us, and the lights keep flickering, so if I suddenly sto

Friday evening

I missed out earlier, I did have my walk during a break in the weather, a few dog walkers were also making the most of the weather break, but it was quieter than usual out there.
The storm is raging again, I used to love to go out in this weather, but I am so tired these days.

Friday Evening

Good evening,
Well I didn't get a walk this morning.
I did go to the Post Office to post a letter and get some paper.

You know I said we wouldn't flood up here? well...I am beginning to wonder, heavy rain and wet snow and high winds this morning and there was water lying on the ground, and traffic splashing the pedestrians! :(

Anyway, I did my usual, shower, houswork and lunch, did a load of laundry as well, and that is drying now.

I am sitting in bed, and I think it is the weekend now, so I am allowed to sit in bed and watch 'My parents are Aliens'.

I am never in bed or watching tv in the daytime, because that feels wrong to me, even though I can't go to work. I do not like getting up late for the same reason.

It is Valentines Day. I am not sure what valentines day is for, although I would like a secret valentine to send me chocolate! :)
waah, no chocolate! :)

Friday Morning

Good,
I woke at a more natural time for me. Helped by two little travel alarm clocks that I got in the pound shop yesterday.
Now I have means of telling the time always, and the little tick-tock of these clocks and their noisy beeping in the morning.

I dreamed of so much that I have lost, and woke to a wet and gloomy anniversary of my death at Jane Fisher's hands. 3 years.
I had a cuppa and am sitting in bed, I have been looking through and publishing comments on the other blog and replying, and also going through the tweets and requests on twitter.

I was hoping for a longer walk this morning, but the weather is bad and will get worse, so I will do a shorter walk now and one later maybe.

Thursday Night

It is nearly 14/02.
Nearly three years to the day that Jane Fisher and the Bishop had me brutalized, locked in a cage, dragged across the police station yard and kept in a cell for 24 hours while people who were expecting me got worried and a doctor's appointment got missed.
All because Jane Fisher and the Bishop were injuring me and my life and relationships in Winchester with their cover up side of things after destroying me in Jersey rather than dealing with my complaint.
Three years since my life was ended, because after that brutalization and the trauma of it that never leaves me, day by day. how could I live?
That is the day my life stopped, and it remains.

Here I am, sitting in my clean and tidy house with my cup of tea, amazing, and yet, I am still finished, branded, a fugitive, and at risk of random police beatings and detentions for the rest of my life, because the police refused to hear my side of things or protect me from the diocese.

Anyway, I went out for my walk earlier, it was cold and clear out there, I walked a while and went to the supermarket for a few things.
I am on new herbal tabs and am tired, so I may sleep soon.

Thursday Evening

Well I got my paperwork in the post, and was going to catch the bus, but just missed it and decided to go out later.
I came back here and did the housework, as nothing got done this morning.
I watched the news about the storm and flooding rather than the kiddies programmes, until My Parents are Aliens came on, anyway.

The weather last night was awful, and this morning when I went out, there was a wild hailstorm, we have had thunderstorms too! :) so cool.
But on the way back from shopping, the weather was glorious. More bad weather is forecast.
There are areas that are flooded, but we aren't, it must be miserable.
Pray for all the homeless as well.

I checked that those who I know who are in the Thames flood area are ok, apparently they are, and I did ask about an ark, but got no response.

I have not yet had my shower, I will do that and then go out.

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well it has been a busy day, it was 1.30am by the time I slept, I had a bowl of soup and put on another top in case that would help me sleep.
Slept and woke late.
Hurried out to try and do my shopping. Having a bit of money at last.

Not much money to spare as I return to therapy next week and I owe the therapist money already.
And the rent is due next week.
But anyway, I got toiletries and household stuff and bread, milk and orange juice.
I also got more coal tar shampoo, because it does work, it stops my scratching my scalp raw.

Back here, more wretched paperwork! :(

Thursday 00.30am

I am awake, because I was having flashbacks to Jane Fisher and her police, just like I used to in the good old days on the streets.
Not surprising. It is one day until the anniversary of that day three years ago when she destroyed my life beyond healing in a police attack that would not have happened if she and the Bishop had dealt with my complaints and not been procceding to build on the Jersey destroyal of me by slandering me and interfering with my life in Winchester.

My former counsellor said that anniversary times trigger flashbacks, and she is right.
Although I am back on that police cell floor most days of my life, and in a way, my life ended there, anniversaries of that time are the worst time.

Wednesday Night

Good evening,
Well I had a shower and I realised that, thanks to my friends, I have not run out of bread, fresh milk, butter, toothpaste, shower gel, mouthwash, loo paper or any of the essentials while I have been short of money.
Bless them.
I am just settling to sleep as the weather batters the building.
I am anxious about sleep because of the current vivid dreams that upset me so much.

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,
A frustrating day communication-wise, but tomorrow, despite being very busy, may be more productive.

I have had my walk, once the weather improved, and I got some reduced houmous at the shop, and had houmous and lettuce sandwiches for supper.

The housework is pretty much done, not much else to say.

I seem to be more prone to distressing dreams with the new mattress?

Wednesday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,
well I had a bit of an uneasy night, nightmmares, terrors and sad dreams.
I dreamed I was talking to my brother, and I said to him that even though the Church of England judged and condemned me, at least I hadn't comitted deliberate crimes and fathered children and abandoned them and their mother for another woman,
I woke up and it really really hit me, it doesn't matter what my brother has done and got away with, I am and always will be, condemned by the church of england, I haven't created illigitimate children and abandoned them and their mother and swanned off to America, I haven't deliberately commited crimes, but it is true that I am the one permenantly damned by a record that the church have got me, and things can only get worse.
I fell asleep again after that dream and woke late, I got up and did the usual things and showered.
Well I was waiting in for recorded delivery but it never arrived, I phoned up and they had only got the documents today, and there was a problem with one, at least I managed to make a phonecall and found out.

I did a pizza for lunch as there was one reduced to 50p at the shop, and all I am doing today is writing, paperwork and emails/phonecalls, same tomorrow.

Tuesday evening

Good evening,
Well I had my supper and had a walk, not a long walk today, but just got to keep the exercise up and build up some fitness.
I got back and was overwhelmed, everything goes wrong these days, and I have so much to do, regarding writing, and emails, appointments and even (gulp) phonecalls, those of you who don't know, I struggle to use a phone.
Anyway, I am now in bed with a mug of cocoa next to me and a hot water bottle.
I think this mattress is better but I am still trying to adjust my neck support to go with it.
I feel hopeless.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well I started badly by breaking my nice little mug this morning, the one my friend gave me, not the cow one from the chattery shop.
I managed not to break the rest of my house while I showered and dressed.
I went to town to go about my business, and that went well, and they were nice :)
Then I went to be socialized :) my friends had things for me, the box and instructions from my (too) smart phone, and a little gift box containing, a pot of hot chocolate powder, a bag of marshmallows, and, would you believe it? a mug! :)
While I was there I was feeling very tired and autistic, so I nosed busily around and buzzed thoughtfully to myself, not really feeling social at all, I adopted the toy giraffe by accident and also a stress toy, I was very much allowed to adopt these things to take home, so don't worry.
After four coffees, it was time to go, so I went with my friends to have a pot of tea in another cafe, we had a toasted tea cake, which is not much of a lunch, and Jane Fisher eats them things so I am not too keen on them, but we had a good natter.
I got home and had some more lettuce sandwiches, I had also had a lettuce sandwich for breakfast, because I am never very organized on a Tuesday Morning! I have macaroni cheese defrosting for supper, and I have done some exercises but have yet to go for my walk.
It is cold and clear outdoors at the moment.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,
Well I swapped mattresses yesterday. I had lettuce sandwiches for supper, and had a shower, and eventually settled to sleep.
It took a while to get to sleep, so I prayed.
I slept.

I dreamed such a lovely dream though, I dreamed that the church of england were being Christian and they said the past was the past and they invited me to a ceremony, and I was all contented and wandered along to the ceremony.
I woke up feeling refreshed.

I have been drinking tea, and the house is clean, but it is Tuesday, so I need to sort myself out and go out.

Monday Afternoon

Good afternoon.
Well, I did curry and rice at lunchtime, and I was so tired from being up at 3.30am that I had a sleep this afternoon, it was a cold, shallow sleep, and I had sad dreams about my family.
I know those dreams are like an expression of the solitude of my adult life after all those years in a noisy crowded pack, but they still happen. I wouldn't go back, even if that noisy crowded pack still existed instead of being split and disbanded and troubled as they are.

Anyway, I woke shivering and aching, knowing I have to do something about my bed as I am not sleeping comfortably or relaxing, I naturally sleep on my back, and on this bed I can't sleep comfortably like that, so I keep rolling over onto my side, which isn't comfortable.

I got up and it was 4pm, so I did a water bottle and put my thermal vest on, and got a cuppa and put the kiddies programmes on.
I don't normally sleep during the day or put the television on until the kiddies programmes come on.
I am so worried about things.
This isn't for delicate ears, but I am stressed, I am still no angel, autistic and messed, up, I get stressed, this is a reality and I know the CofE love it when I say angry and wierd things because it proves their point but,
I have heard so much bullshit today that I wondered if I was back on the farm!

Anyway, warmed up and with tea, I am sitting here, wondering what next, I still find indoors so empty and pointless.
I am trying so hard with strategy to help myself and it is making me so tired, it is all paperwork and conversation and changes and it all stresses me a lot.

I am also having trouble with my back where the lump is, and pain running down my leg a bit, hopeful to have a phys assessment next week.

I could murder a peanut butter sandwich, but I might eat one instead, if I can find peanut butter. Murder is very wrong.

Oh well, welcome back Guernsey, missed you, been skiing have you?

Monday morning

Good morning,
Well I am tired and the day has hardly begun.

I went for a walk earlier, it was still dark when I set off, and got light as I walked, it was all peaceful apart from noisy antisocial dog walkers with wet dogs that went everywhere, I do not like swift jumpy dogs, especially not in the early morning, in the early morning I do not like people or noise or dogs running and jumping, or anything else, I just want to be alone.

So I walked and walked, eventually returning home, washed my (only bra) and hung it to dry, and had a shower.
Dressed, did the housework, and now, at the start of a busy week, I have forms, paperwork, letters, and (help!) maybe phonecalls.

Well, I have nearly survived the no money time, and things may get better in the near future.
So I will be able to buy (more bras) and more jeans and more tops.
Shopping is not my favourite thing, especially as women's clothing tends to be hardly fit for purpose, badly designed with low cut necklines or clingy stuff or very short sleeves, don't they realise women are real people who could do with comfort, modesty and and dignity?
I tend to wear jeans, cotton teeshirts and cotton long sleeved tops, often I have to buy tops and teeshirts from the men's department, shapeless but comfortable and modest, and it is hard to find decent jeans as I am a funny shape.
Anyway, now that I am housed and working on health and fitness, I need to get sports clothes for jogging? and other possible attempts at fitness, I have a swimsuit and am so keen to start swimming when the money comes through.

Other things I could do with, when the money starts, is: new toaster, jug, iron, washing bowl, and I will also pay my library fine so I can get books! :)

Anway :) I am boring you.

Monday Morning 5.30am

Good morning,
Well I have been up since 3.30am, I was having police nightmares and was too hot and couldn't sleep again, too upset, and had to get up and blog to calm down.
I have only had one cup of tea so far, but there is plenty of milk, and sugar, and tea.
So I will have more tea, and in half an hour I will get up and have a shower and my porridge and I will have a walk, that will be nice.

Sunday Night

Well I dragged myself out of the house once the hailstorms stopped.

I walked for a good distance and then I got the bus, I went to church.

I had a funny moment when I walked into church, I was in daydream mood, walked in, quite a group were already there and they all greeted me with 'ohh' and 'welcome!' and I kind of stood there completely blank for a minute.
Thankfully they know me, so as soon as I recovered, I settled and after the usual first few minutes of wanting to leap about and buzz round the ceiling because I still get very anxious at the beginning of church, I was fine, even with a church of england flashback hymn.
My friend was preaching and it was very soothing and I was glad I was there, he preached about 'No more in condemnation' which reminds me that God forgives me and my sins are forgiven, it is only the church of england that condemns me still, and so I asked my friend for a copy of the sermon in order to keep reminding myself. Thank You God.
After the service, everyone was chatting and it was all how it should be, me reunited with my churchpeople, who are my churchpeople and they are good at the talking, and we had a cuppa, and then I went back to my friends' house with them.

My friend did me a supper parcel with triple-decker sandwiches, crisps, a scone, a banana, and they also gave me the remains of the milk and butter and a little bit of money to tide me over, so I will have bread and milk :) cool.
My friend surprised me, she had painted me a picture, and not just any picture, she had used the seascape card that I had given her a while back, it was a photograph card I sent them as a thank you card, and she had done a painting based on it, and it is brilliant! :)

Then I got the bus home and the weather turned really bad again and it is cold now as well, there will be ice everywhere.

Sunday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime.

I have just stayed here, done housework and some writing,
and I did macaroni with cheese sauce for lunch.
I hope to go for my walk, and I may go to evening church.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,
I should be going to church and being with my friends, but I just don't feel like it.
The wait for the diocese to destroy me with their reports has stalled my life.
I see no point in anything while I am waiting to be destroyed.
However, I will shower, eat and walk.

Last night I watched slumdog millionaire, which is great, it works out how it should, but real life doesn't, then trainspotting was on, but I didn't like that, so I switched it off after a while.

Saturday Evening

Good evening,
Well I went out and had a good walk, the weather was windy but not too wet, then I got a bus and had a bus ride, the weather got worse, and it got dark, rain, hail and gusts of wind hit the bus.
I had a series of flashbacks about the diocese and their police.
I got off the bus and to get the milk, got some reduced milk, which is good, as my money is very nearly out, I maybe have enough for one more pint of milk.

Got home, always too hot indoors when I come home, tired and achy, indoors is hard.
Slumdog Millionaire is on later :)

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well I went to bed late and woke late,
since then I have been doing paperwork and housework, oh why do people live indoors, it is so complicated and hard work :)

Well, I have done plenty of housework, the food cupboard is now much more fit for purpose, the bin and bathroom have been bleached, I have posted my letters, and I have done chicken casserole and rice for lunch.
The weather is bad but not shocking, we have kept our electricity so far.
I will go out and about soon.

Friday Night

Good evening,
Well I was restless so I had a little walk, not the best time for a walk but never mind.
It is getting very windy and wet out there, but I enjoyed a walk and am too hot now I am back in.
I vomited a few times as I walked, and realised why, my instant soup which I have been using, has powdered milk in, and I am allergic to it, hence the sickness, my friends will think I am allergic to everything when I tell them not to get me soup powder, we already have to check everything for aspartame or I explode! :):):) not a pretty image.

Well if the power lines go down I have my lantern from when I lived on the streets, but house dwellers are so vulnerable if there is no power, on the streets it didn't matter to me if there were power cuts, I had a stove and lantern and everything I needed.
Here I cannot afford candles, but the lantern will help, unless we suffer damage and are made homeless.
I guess I am not used to all this.

Friday afternoon

Good afternoon,
well I plodded for a few miles and the weather was nice, a bit windy, I went in the library a while, I haven't even got the money to pay the small fine that prevents me from getting more books.
I got a bus and had a wander, and the weather began to cloud and worsen.
By the time I got off the bus home, and got the paper, the bad weather was rushing in.

It is going to be really bad, we wont flood as we are on the hill, but we may lose power if it is as bad as forecast tomorrow.
Looks like I will stay home and be very bored tomorrow.
But even when I go out, I am living in constant severe fear and anxiety about the diocese and how they will hurt me next, it is making rebuilding my life really hard.
I can't live my life, because they wont let me, didn't let me when they launched on me last year.

I feel so tired and ill all the time, I think I need to sort out neck support and more exercise.

Friday lunchtime

Good lunchtime.

Well, I went to bed late, so I woke up late, which I do not like, I also do not like that I have a bit of pain in my neck, not too bad yet.

Anyway, when I got up, I was too hot, so I opened the window and did my porridge and my housework, so that was the morning gone.
Then I have had sausages, beans and bread for lunch, with a glass of milk.

I think what I will do now is have my pot of tea and then go for as long a walk as I can manage before the weather gets worse, it is due to be very bad indeed tomorrow.
Really bad for those already affected.

Anyway. A Nice Walk will do me good. And when Elle reads this, she will fuss about me wrapping up warm :) I am going to go out in my teeshirt :):):)

Thursday Evening

Good evening,
I started writing a post earlier and lost the post.

This afternoon, cold and wet when I got in, I did a hot water bottle and had a hot shower when the hot water came on, then I sat in bed and was warm and sleepy, watching television and reading and doing emails.

I thought of a walk, but the weather is terrible, Saturday's weather looks dangerous though, the winds :(

I have been looking through the paperwork from today, the first effort at looking to my future, you can be assured that the diocese will destroy whatever I build though.

In West Sussex, a county that is part of my heritage and genetics, I was due to be housed and had referred to an occupational daycentre for people on the autism spectrum, I had a church and I had hopes of university and was in contact with a counselling centre, when Jane Fisher and the old Bishop wiped my life out again, it is hard to believe in making steps forward because I know how easily they can wipe it all out.

You know how I am with the stats on my blog, I am always ever so nosey and interactive about them, because it still amazes me that people read my blog.
I know my stalkerstat, every few hours, reading 'southampton', although we have a few Southamptons, the stalkerstat is the one that used to read 'Portsmouth' or 'Gosport', the signal is being bounced,
and then there is Colchester, frequent too, I can never quite remember if Colchester was originally of the Ould Bully's blog, but still reads my blog very frequently or if that is a certain person else.
Who else? loads of Jersey stats, I know who some of them are, and then Portugal, I know, not all the US stats show up, I don't know why. There are various London stats, I know who a few of them are.
We also get the ominous Lancashire occasionally, and the return of an old stat from Northern Ireland today, also regulars are Brazil and Wales. And all sorts of surprise stats appear each day.
I hope I am not boring, you, I am just facinated.

I remember the old days, writing the old blogs 'Homeless' and 'The Wanderer', I would have a few stats each day, usually Kelsey, Kevin, THOS and another guy who's name I forget, as well as various from the survivors group and Una. These blogs get so much more stats, and back when I was writing the old blog, I had no idea that one day, people from Jersey would be reading my story.

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well last night I did basmati rice for supper, very tasty.
And I twittered about on twitter for ages and did a brief post on the other blog, too tired to do much, but it was midnight when I slept.

I didn't sleep very well, waking briefly in the early hours and then sleeping again and waking late and in a fluster, socks and earplugs all over the room.
I got up, but my legs were very stiff and it was hard to get going, I was due to go and look at the daycentre and had to ask them if I could be an hour later than planned.
They were fine with that, so finally I set out in the wild weather to get the bus.

One long bus journey through torrential rain and I arrived at the daycentre a bit wet but on time.

The daycentre arrangements were fine, I will probably self-fund from my DLA to spend a day or two half-days there per week, doing activities of my choice.
I can't cope with social services referral after the appalling way that they and the police and Jane Fisher treated me, so I will have to self-fund, just as I do with therapy.

But anyway, the next stop was to try and sort out benefits and money, and due to the situation, it will be a few weeks before I can attend either therapy or the daycentre.
I spent several hours speaking with a helpful advisor about benefits, and although we have yet to solve anything, she was very nice and helpful and we do have a plan of action.
In the meantime I am very short of money.
The stress is maddening, so is trying to wait, cancelling therapy and trying to sort out all the paperwork and beauracricy or however you spell it.

Anyway, wet and cold and tired, I headed for the bus, had to get the long route one rather than wait in the cold for another 15 minutes for the short route one.

Just got home, there is a big pot of tea and I am waiting for the hot water to come on so I can have a hot shower.

Wednesday Night

Good evening,
Well with all the washing drying and some almost dry. I decided I could go out, everything done here.
So I went and got the weekly bus card that my friends gave me money for, and went for a bus ride.

On the way back, the bus that did the long route and the one that did the short route were both in, and I was tired, so I thought I would get the short route one, which ended up being a scary adventure.

Some rowdy lads got on the bus, and I thought they were just noisy teenagers. But after a while, it became apparent it was more serious.

They started off upstairs, all thundered downstairs at some point, and then one thundered back upstairs, where I was sitting, and there was one other person up there, a young man with his headphones on.

Anyway, this one who had come back upstairs sat at the front where I was, I could tell he was drunk, and hoped he would behave, then he suddenly swore. It was not a calm or steady swear at all, it sounded crazed.
I looked at him, and realized he had blood all over his head, I wondered for a moment if it was paint, and realised that not only was it blood, but he had it all over his jacket and hands.
he wasn't just drunk, he was high,
and then two of his companions came tearing up the stairs.

One of them was hysterical and swearing at one of the others, someone phoned him, and he stopped swearing and started sobbing to whoever had phoned, and I realised his hands were covered in blood too, they all had blood on them.
The other passenger who was not with them got off, and I was alone on the top deck with these very volatile young men.
Then the sobbing one punched the bus's front window and broke it, but the driver seemed oblivious.

I was wary to move in case I attracted their attention, I don't look for trouble, but I was both concerned not to get involved and concerned that the window was broken and the driver needed to know because he could get into trouble if he didn't realise and report it.
I like bus drivers, because they trundle along and let me get on their buses and wander around, which is a Good Thing.

So, I told the driver, quietly, as he drove, but the lads came thundering downstairs, and those still downstairs joined them, the one who had been sobbing and broken the window was having utter hysterics by then and the driver let them all off the bus.
I stayed downstairs, and the driver had a look at the window and got my number because he had to do a report.
And then I went home.

Home, I have warm clean pyjamas and a freshly changed comfy bed, and no shortage of good food :)

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well the linen and clothes got washed and are spread to dry, the bed linen and towels have been changed for clean ones and I have just been being quiet, especially as I got sick again, the grey area illness from yesterday returned, with the pressure headache and weakness and vomiting, I do not know what causes this, it just happens and I assume it is allergy, although it could be stress. BUt anyway, after lunch I had a pot of tea and did the washing up and mopped the floor.
So the place is clean, and you may have realised that I am quite keen on clean, something to do with occupation and having slept in rat alleys.
But I sicked my lunch up and tried to sleep but can't, so I am just watching television and doing odds and ends.

Wednesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime.

Well I had a shower, and then, as the weather was holding, I went for my walk, it was very windy but not cold.
I saw a sad sight, a tree had fallen on someone's garden, missing their house by inches, the person in the house was staring at it, so I think it had not long been fallen, it had wrecked their gate and fence but had so narrowly missed the house, I am glad it missed their house.

I stood watching the weather until I noticed the storm clouds racing over the hills.
I hurried off to the shop and got the paper and some milk.

Then I came back and hoovered while ,my clothes washed, now my clothes are drying while the towels and linens wash, and I have done jacket potatos and cheese for my lunch, with apple juice and fresh fruit.

I have been talking to an occupational daycentre about joining them, but it is a tricky business, some wont accept people with records, and I cannot begin to explain my record, nor can I put myself at risk from the diocese, police and social by being registered anywhere, but I do need occupation and I cannot work, I am not even really up to volunteer work much, although I try.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,
I slept from about 11pm and slept solidly until 7am, which is a good time to wake, although no clock to tell me the time, so I had to put the computer on.
I had slept on my side without moving, which isn't ideal, but at least I did a decent long sleep.
I made a cuppa and did my porridge, and have just been doing odds and ends on the computer instead of going for my walk before the weather gets really bad again.
I am still trying to decide between a shower and walk, which to do first.
I should walk and get the milk before the bad weather sets in, but I feel scruffy and hot, so I should shower, especially as my hair is standing on end like a mad hedgehog.
I could take myself to an outreach centre today, but the weather will be bad for going anywhere.

Tuesday Night

Good evening,
Well I have been out most of the day.
I woke up this morning after a rather restless night.
I wasn't feeling too good.
it was the kind of feeling not good that remains a mystery, headache, dizziness and shortness of breath and generally not feeling good.

Anyway, I showered, forgot breakfast and went to socialize.
My friends made a fuss of me, and I ended up with groceries and two new teddies.
Then I got really sick and realised I hadn't eaten and it was 1pm.
Then I went back to my friends' house with them for lunch, then I did some light tasks for them and they gave me some pocket money to get a week's bus pass so that I wouldn't be so isolated.
Then I cuddled up on their sofa and read a book.
Then we had dinner, with another friend too, we had a roast dinner with apple crumble, and then I got dropped off home not so long ago.

Monday night

Good evening,
well I just didn't know what to do today, couldn't go to therapy.
I got the bus to town and went and wailed miserably at the welfare and outreach about being LONELY AND MISERABLE.
So they patted me on the head and fed me coffee and talked to me and did me a little food parecel with lots of sweets.
Then I came home and felt miserable here, tired and fell asleep for three hours, what is wrong with me?
Nothing to do.

Tomorrow may be better when I see my friends, but I have a long time of no money and nothing to live for, can't afford therapy for the forseeable future, which is awful as I need to attend every week, and can't afford physio or swimming, so I will continue to be in pain and struggling to walk as well.

Monday morning 2

I am beginning to despair.
I have no money, can't afford therapy at the moment, not fit to work but not enough occupation.
Basically there is nothing here.
My logical argument for staying on the streets, which no-one would acknowledge, was that out there I was focussed on survival and that kept me occupied, here in indoors, the horror of the Church of England and the way they have branded me so that I cannot earn a living or be a part of the community, becomes a reality.
So here I am, halfway between hell and hell, trying feebly to carry out daily tasks that seem pointless, nothing to live for and nowhere to go.
As I once said, early on in homelessness, housing me would isolate me and leave me directionless since the diocese branded me.
And I was right.

Monday Morning

Good morning,
Well I woke from nightmares, it was dark and I currently have no way of telling the time, unless I put the computer on.
I had gone to sleep at around 10.30pm, which is good, I was tired.
But I was awake, and didn't sleep again after the nightmares, to my relief, when I put the computer on, it had just gone 6am.

I should normally have been heading for therapy, but I can't afford it at the moment.

I got up, had porridge and tea, and went for my walk.

It is windy, it would blow the cobwebs away, only I do not have cobwebs because I am hygenic.

Sunday Evening

Good evening,
I am not writing much, because I am not doing much today, I am home, tired, and recovering.
I have not done much today at all apart from walking, going to the shop, blogging, and resting.

This is what I needed to do every Sunday after the London weekend when I was on the streets, but obviously when I was homeless I couldn't.
It takes more energy than I have, and I was up at 4am yesterday and back here at midnight. Getting back at midnight was good going actually.

I wonder why I can't get the salt taste out of my mouth and throat? everything is salty.

I can't afford therapy tomorrow, and probably not next week either.

Saturday 5am

Well I have been up since 4am, I was dreaming, dreaming about my family, dreamed they were with me and 'approved' of me again at last.
They were here at my friends house in my dream and they said that my friends were like family to me.

It was sad to wake up and remember that I even lost my family as a result of the diocese villifying me, branding me and sending me mad, because in the years running up to being destroyed by the diocese, I got on quite well with my family, although when Dad died, everyone fell out.

I woke at 4am and the whole weight of how I am destroyed and outcast fell on me, I know you know how I live day to day and try to have a sense of humour, but in reality, my life ended a long time ago, and I am simply waiting on death row for the diocese to finish me off, and there doesn't seem to be any alternative, any way they wont.
Their vain statements in the press about being called to help the lost, last and least is so utter ludicrous, because they are the lost, last least, they are committing fraud and using God's Name to do it, claiming to be Christians and doing such underhand, cruel, oppressive, unforgiving and Un-Christian things, while using Jesus' Name.
They have left me branded with a record and refused to take responsibility for their own wrongdoing and incompetence and deliberate maligning of me and ruination of my name, do they really think that referring me to a charity that supposedly deals with abused kids and giving them their version events is anything to do with helping me???!!!
No-one can help me until the diocese remove their branding of me and take responsibility for their own misconduct, which is conveniently omitted from all investigations.
I see a therapist, but the reality is, nothing can really undo the damage done, and the diocese have no interest in responsibility.

Referring me anywhere without my consent, referring me to a charity like the NSPCC ithout my consent, shows just how out of touch they are, and in their folly and arrogance, it is no good telling them how out of touch, archaic and Unethical they are, the Emperor's New Clothes, I guess, although people do try to tell the diocese, and they don't listen, it is easier for them not to listen.

Anyway, thanks for reading that, things hurt more when you wake at night with sad dreams that can never be true.
I slept on cushions on the floor of my friend's study, I had a sleeping bag, two blankets and my own foam pillow that I brought with me, and some cushions.
I guess it reminds me of being homeless, but also, because it is different from my home, I didn't sleep long enough, which is not good, because there is a very long day ahead.

You know what is funny, when I do a bonkers post like yesterday evening's, it gets loads of hits, I always wonder if that is the diocese or the Ould bully reading it and passing it around to say 'see, she is mad', well if you can judge me mad on the strength of that...  :)