Nightmares, Daymares

Nightmares into flashbacks, the Diocese of Winchester and their complicit authorities and police and courts were the theme of my nightmares, and I woke into flashbacks.
It is supposed to remain cold, but the sun through the window is warm, I put the bed linens in the wash and am just trying to wake up.
All I have is an hour or so of mowing and trying to find my satnav and charge it before I go to the farm and then the new delivery driving job.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

The blogs are statting up again, part of that seems to be Ashenden being an attention-seeker again.

Well it has been a freezing day, the people I was working for commented that it had to be cold if I was wearing a jumper, they asked if I would ever wear a jacket, and I said when it got down to -10.
I have worked hard enough to upset my neck, so I have the heavy machine on it.

I had the farm after that, sleepy henz and dux.

I got home, very cold and tired, and had to go and see what the welfare and shops could offer. I didn't really have money even for essentials, but no choice, when it is things like milk, deodorant and suchlike, there is no choice. The welfare don't do those, they do bread and vegetables, so I got bread there and the essentials at the shops.

My cough is no better and it is exhausting, and I looked longingly at the coff medicine in the shops, but I can't afford it. I have to pay bills tomorrow and Friday.

Someone texted me to offer me a trial shift delivery driving tomorrow evening, there is no knowing if it will work out, and I have very little petrol or money for petrol, so we will have to see.
If you peeps want to donate for coff medicine or petrol, please do.

I didn't know my half-uncle was a councillor, you learn something new every day, don't worry, I didn't tell him I was his long lost niece, I wouldn't want contact with my relatives.

Haha, lets do 1988 again https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwlxeYA1SQI

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

This morning I woke to the phone, the last of the three gardens due today was cancelling, three cancellations, the ground is too wet from yesterday's rain.

I was quite depressed.

Eventually I went up to the welfare, and there was food.

And then I went and worked at the care home for the afternoon.

I was still very depressed this afternoon and evening, watched DVDs but without interest, and so I went to the Samaritans for a while, which was helpful.

It has been bitter cold this afternoon, and in the shade it was cold and dark as I worked.

Monday

Good evening peeps,

A little stat from Winchester on the blog this evening. Hello Winchester.

The church have been whining and lying again.

Hey, that is what they do. God sees them.

It poured with rain this morning, I don't know what I did, the morning went.

At lunchtime I went to the welfare, but they had no food today, the delivery didn't arrive. The lady who runs the community gardens was there, and we had some tea and a chat.

I was going to go and work but the rain came back.

I am so short of money I had to look for a delivery driving job even though Max is barely fit for it. I got someone who said they would call me if they need a driver.

I have been watching Buffy and Hollyoaks, and worrying about money. It would be nice if the Bishop kept his promise to pay for my accommodation, it is low rent but even low rent damp accommodation is hard to pay for when you are disabled self-employed gardener in the winter, with your life crippled by the church's evil, there is simply no money.

My cough is really bad, being here is a bit like being back in the lodging house, I can't keep my lungs clear.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

Well a busy day for the most part.

I went to the sister church and then back to my church to help out. We had a nice meal as well.

Then I have had a quiet evening, a brief venture out and about, and watching 'Humans' on DVD.
It is still cold, but the temperatures are rising as the rain comes in.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

It has been another cold chilly day. I have always loved the cold, but these days, indeed since the church made me homeless and left me with asthma, I have trouble with cold air. The chest infection doesn't help either, I coughed until I was sick today. I am sure you wanted to know that. And I am still crackling.

Anyway, I was being lazy today. I got up slowly. I was in the shower when the landlady called round. I heard a shout of laughter from the kitchen, a real yelp of hilarity and I wondered why.

Well, the other day someone accidentally threw away the bananas I was maturing for banana bread, and left the new bananas, so I drew a cartoon of a cross chef telling the world not to throw the bananas away, and the landlady wasn't expecting that, so she laughed out loud.

The landlady was here to do some work, so we had a cuppa and some banter as she worked. She is lively and practical, a bit like me.

When she had gone, I did cheese rolls and leek and potato soop for lunch, the soop was from a packet, but it was alright.

Then I went to the welfare for some more rolls, I got some apples as well. There was cherry donuts there, no-one has heard of them, but I didn't take any.

I walked along the seafront in the wind, struggling to breathe, the sea was lively.
I had a quick errand to run, and then it was home to do chores.

I got some writing and editing done this morning. And I will continue with that.

I have done some chores, the washing is in the dryer, and the dishwasher is on, my tasks this weekend are to tidy cupboards, wipe the fridge, a quick hoover and mop, and that is about it.

I am watching...guess...Miracle on 34th Street.  Supper was beans and sausage.

Tomorrow is a lively one with church, I am at our sister church, then I go back to my church to help with some things.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

It was cold today.
I did the morning's work without a jumper, and nipped home for a jumper at lunchtime because I knew I would need one, I got my hi viz jacket as well, as I was working at the farm in the afternoon.

At the farm it was cold, I got the tractor and was ambling round the orchards, with hens stalking me and skittering out of the way in front of me.

The geese and ducks got jealous and made a fuss, and one duck kept escaping to join us.

I got the work done quite quickly, and someone brought me out a hot coffee before they went out.

I came home and was reading a book, and then I went for a walk, and had fish and chips on the seafront.
The sea has calmed down a lot now. It is cold outside, and that combination of cold and chest infection made it hard to breathe, I have coughed up loads today but I am still crackling.

I really didn't want to watch Hollyoaks, just glanced, Mac obviously beat Jack up and nearly killed him, but Mac being a snivelling bully is getting old now.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Well another windy day. I spent a lot of time looking at waves on the sea. I wish the sea could be the sea that it was before my abuser made it into a different sea and the church destroyed me.
This is the time of year for flashbacks about that.
I woke up in flashbacks this morning and I couldn't do much.

I went up the farm to scrabble around in the barn, and the farm man came out to chat, I have to do the mowing again already, and from next week they are away for three weeks so I will be at the farm a lot. They have recommended me to some new people in the district, who will apparently be in touch when they have settled in.

I got one of my boxes of books from the barn, and have been absorbed in reading one, I didn't even bother will Hollyoaks, I just have series 10 of Are you being Served? on DVD.
I don't really like the later Are you being Serveds, they ran out of material and it wasn't much good after Mr Lucas and Mr Grainger left.

Not much else to say except, will one of you buy me my Jackie Lawson advent calendar this year or do I have to use my limited cash?

And my chest is crackling like hell, no improvement.

Lets have some music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80rHyABCb20


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_3bDjzYFno

Wednesday

I am so tired.

This morning I helped in the community gardens and I was given a free lunch.

Then my friend phoned and I went to meet her and collect some things.
They are on their way now, so that was goodbye.

I wish you love, I wish you love,
wherever you go on,
and there'll always be a part of me
that will never be alone.

Some people are one in a billion, and they are.

Anyway, then I went and worked at the care home for the afternoon.

I came home and haven't done much, watched a bit of DVD and TV without interest, and put the washing on.

I couldn't get the expensive stuff that the hospital told me to take for my cough, so I got the nearest thing, but I am still coffing like I am dying.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

A grey and windy day.

I collected a car load of stuff for my friends who are moving home, and then I went and got on with work at the care home.

Not much else to say. I went and looked at the sea, it was waving, so I waved back.

I watched Are you being Served when I got home, and then Hollyoaks.

I am tired, it is hibernation season, I don't want to do anything.

It is nice to have Max working again.

I was given more Gourmet teapigs, so I have been happily enjoying those.

I have several problems at the moment, one is the chest infection, and the other is that I am producing a lot of salivation and froth, these things combined are not nice, but hopefully not permanently, I have been having this problem for a few weeks now.

Last night I don't know what I was dreaming, the usual vague horrors about the church, but I was tired and didn't catch my dreams, the dream about Bobster lingers at the moment. He may be dead, maybe I will never know. I wonder how Vic and Mikey and everyone else is doing, big shout out to you all, street brothers and sisters, I never forget you and this time of year especially, I think of you out there, and I know that I am never far from returning to join you, even though those of you who I knew will have moved on.

Remember this?

http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/2nd-anniversary.html#.WhSidlVl_cc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9YMXUgtHu0

Monday

Good evening peeps,

Well Max went in for repair today, at last!

You know how there have been complications with his last few repairs and a lot of stress and money.

Well this time that was reversed. When Max went wrong the other week, I took him into the nearest autocentre and got a quote, and they quoted for what they told me needed doing. I didn't think about it at all, I just texted the car's best friend for his quote, and told him what the autocentre said. His quote was better, unsurprisingly.

Now weeks have gone by while I have tried to raise the money for repairs, Max has been driveable with care and so I have done as little as possible.
But today when he went into for repair, the surprise.

Not all the work quoted by the autocentre needed doing! Naughty boys!

So the car's best friend was able to do the work for cheaper and return the parts that weren't needed.

Anyway, it was a mild and rainy day, I couldn't get much done. So I sulked and skittered about on the internet.

We have a spell of mild rainy weather this week.

I was dreaming about my old mate last night, Bobster, not Bob Hill, but Bob who used to look after me on the streets. I don't know if he is still alive, if he was and I was to ever see him again, I would grab him and never let go, and he wouldn't mind, he always said that he would be mine if that is what I wanted, but that he would never do anything unless it was what I wanted, he was a gentleman, very restrained, he wanted to go out with me, but he kept me safe and stayed beside me at night in the bad weather without ever misbehaving. And that was impressive, Vic would sleep beside me chaste, but he and I were like brother and sister, and Bobster wanted to go out with me.

This is for you Bobster and if you are out there and alive, lets get married. I love you, I never forget you and what you did for me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkhE9qjbTLo

Ha, that reminds me, someone asked me out earlier, I couldn't believe it! Adult relationships are not my thing at all, even though I have just proposed to Bobster on my blog. This guy earlier, he saw me and he kept smiling, and he came over to me, he was so nice, so friendly and chatty, but it was clear he wanted a date and I had to say no, very politely, he wrote his number on a salt sachet in case I changed my mind. Wow. I don't have the normal feelings that presumably normal adults do, I don't want sexual contact from anyone and I have no real need for intimacy or closeness, and it would probably drive me nuts. I wonder what would happen if Bobster read the proposal above and then this paragraph?

I am chatty this evening, and tired despite not working.
You know when I went to Winchester for North Walls recently?
There were two adult situations there, very different.
The first was this scrummy lesbian, she and I exchanged a few glaces, but nothing more. She may have been thinking 'Who is that weirdo?'
But my church friends who read the blog won't like that. Don't worry mum, I'm not gay, I just like girls.

But the other one was a young man out drinking with his mates, he asked me out, in all seriousness, no doubt the drink talking, but he and his mates weren't laughing at me.

I restrained replying with 'EEK! I'm not a cougar!' but I did feel like an old matron when I politely turned him down. I felt old. I can't remember where my youth went. Oh I can, I was being abused and destroyed by the church of england.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

The high stats on the blog would indicate another church attack, Dogs returning to their vomit, poor lost souls, Jesus said so much about them. I will leave my peeps to gather the info and eventually the church will pay for their lawless behaviour.

Yesterday I was aching and headachy all morning and it was raining, so I didn't go and do the small amount of work I wanted to do. By the time I felt better and the rain eased, it was getting dark.

Miracle on 34th Street is on Netflix, so of course that has been on repeat.

I had to take cat food up to the rescue centre for my friend, I didn't know they had a charity shop, I got a copy of 'Mr Mercedes' for 25p, and have read that over the weekend. I tried to read it before and found the jump from the original lovely characters, who simply died, too much, but this time I read it through.

This morning I woke to a nasty shock, the room was buzzing.

I had woken at 5.30, went to the loo, opened the window to cool down and hoped to doze.

I do not know who or what had disturbed the wasp's nest next door, but I had a room full of wasps at some unearthly hour. No one had told me about the wasps nest, as it should be dormant at the moment.

For several hours I had to battle wasps, so the other pre-church tasks got left.
I am not fatally allergic but I do get a bad reaction to wasp stings, so I didn't need a room full of wasps.

I yelped to the landlady, shot in and out of the shower, and headed for church.

Church was great, my usual sitters were away, so the centre row lot grabbed me and squashed me in. I dunno why they don't trust me to sit alone, maybe because of my habit of mooching around under the seats and looking for gum when no-one keeps an eye on me.

I did get my shoobox in by the way. A goodly stuffed and packed shoobox.

I also helped with carting shooboxes around.

I also found a book at church that I wanted, so I borrowed that as well.

I came home and watched films, including Pirates of the Carribsomething, while reading the last of Mr Mercedes.

I went to the welfare and they fed me slop, talked at me and booted me out with a bag of food.

I have done some housework, prepared for tomorrow, and am just watching 'Are you being Served?' while I wind down into bed, there are no more wasps and the nest is to be dealt with now, but my brain is still seeing and hearing the wasps, like a mini PTSD.

Tomorrow is a bit of a day :)

The Church of England is a massive abusive lie, using Jesus and God's Name for their money, lawlessness and abuse of power. And they go on harming me, relentless. But as I have said before, Sampson brought the pillars of the temple down in his last minutes, and if that is what it takes, I will do that to the Church of England.

Friday

Good evening,

Well I am tired. I didn't want my supper much, I just ate the potatos and veg and now I want to sleep.

I didn't work hard today, I was still aching from yesterday.

I had nightmares last night and woke up upset.

I woke up coughing this morning, I have a chest infection.

Just been running idle errands and doing idle tasks today.

I got food from  the welfare, but I let a little schoolboy have the only donuts, I had got them but he looked so sad at no donuts, that I let him have them, he was ever so respectful waiting his turn for food, it makes me sad when the little ones come in on their way from school, to get food for their families, it shouldn't happen in the UK in this day and age, but here there are many poor families and I am lucky not to be a mother, not to have to worry about feeding anyone else. I only take a reasonable share from the food, bread, vegetables and potatos, and sometimes a little pack of donuts. In a few months, when spring comes, I won't need much or any welfare, all depending on Max and if I can replace him before he dies.

Thursday

Hey peeps,

My arm is screaming with pain and I am exhausted.

Today I worked on the farm, worked very hard.
The ride on mower is working so I was mowing the orchard. I caught my face on a branch, I have a scratch, and probably a bruise by tomorrow.
Wow I worked hard, I am aching but I have no idea why the good arm is pretending to be the one that was injured when I came off my motorbike, it is hurting in the same place and same way as the other one does in wet weather.

I got home having had no lunch and it was too early for tea, so I did beans on toast, and I baked my vanilla cookies, someone came round just in time to try and appreciate them.

Hollyoaks isn't much good at the moment, and it is raining, so I will go to bed and hopefully be too tired for the distress that has haunted my sleep recently, I just distress though the night about the church, asleep, not consciously, but it affects me in the morning and makes it hard to get up and get going.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

Tired.

Hard work.

This morning I did hard work garden clearance.

I was given biscuit dough today, so I have baked chocolate biscuits, they smelled excellent and turned out OK for an amateur, so I will do some vanilla ones tomorrow.
I was also given gourmet teapigs, so I feel like a Queen at the moment with my gourmet tea.

This afternoon I went to work at the community gardens, that is called giving something back, because the welfare feed me at the moment.
I did go shopping at the welfare and got bread and salad.

I am so tired.

I am boiling potatos for the same sort of meal as yesterday.

Hollyoaks is grim.

Tuesday

Hey peeps,

High statting from the UK, welcome to new readers.

Well I worked hard today in the cold chill, and did well. And even enjoyed my work.

Got home, and had to wait anxiously for a contract to pay me so that I could pay the rent. Got that done.

Watched Hollyoaks, Street Mate, and put 'Home for Christmas' on.

Did all the housework, bins, laundry, dishwasher, hoovering, mopping, surfaces.

Now I am hot, tired and sweating, I need to jump in the shower and have soap suds.

I did me a good meal again, boiled potatoes with butter, fish cakes and Italian salad, but same as yesterday, I lost my appetite and didn't want to eat, I chomped the potatos and salad, and put the fish cakes in the fridge.

Last night after I ploughed through my supper, I had to get up in the night because I had tummyache when my dinner hadn't bothered to digest. Maybe winter does this to you.

I hear that the Jersey Deanery is masturbating it's ego in public rather a lot, including pretending to be 'Christians' outraged about same sex marriage, don't worry about it, you won't find a Christian among those duplicitous and arrogant people who have suffered nothing in their well-fed lives.
Their destruction of me is the final verdict on the matter. They are in no position to speak, let alone judge others.

Monday

Good evening peeps.

It feels good to come home from a hard day's work, muddy hands, aching, knowing you done  honest work.

Despite the ailing car, I got my day's work done.
I came home, eager to see if the snowman in the hall had scared the life out of my mate when he finished nightshift, it had, so that was OK.

The snowman is a massive fibre optic thingy and I love it!
There is that snowman and two other Christmas toys, just because the loft needed sorting out, you remember last year I had no money until the last minute so there was nearly no Christmas, and I love Christmas, this year if I live and the church's police don't attack again, there will be lots of decorations, tons.

And hopefully no murder like last year, that was not funny at all, I should think his family have a life sentence of unhappy Christmases now, and that makes me sad.

It will be my third Christmas with my church, and that makes it two years since Bob collapsed as well. This week, I think.

Anyway, today I got fresh meat and some cheese for the welfare potatos, I can't really afford these things but I really wanted some fresh meat and cheese, and then when it came to eating, I have no appetite.

I am watching Airplane while I wait for Hollyoaks.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

Well I woke wide awake at 7am, which will never do for a Sunday, so I went in for a double helping of church.
Church was good, we don't do parades or war memorials but we remember respectfully.
And the person leading was very good.

It was nice to see my peeps, and I got an invite to a Christmas meal, and an invite to tea for this week.
I also got reminders of various other events.
And my shoobox has to be in by next week.
Shooboxes are very important, even if you are very poor, you have to do shoobox and toyappeal to make life better for people who are even worse off.
When I was sleeping rough I got given shoobox for me, but someone nicked it from my storehedge, but when the Lions club heard that, they replaced it with much more stuff.

I don't have much money for me, but I will finish my shoobox by hook or by crook.

I came back for lunch, and then went to the welfare, they patted my head and fed me, as they do.

Now I am bored, watching Self/Less and being bored, the evenings drag at the moment.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

I was very lazy this morning, well to be honest I was suffering from doing that hard work yesterday.

At about midday I went down the welfare to get my daily bread, and vegetables and potatoes.

Someone turned up saying 'Does anyone need a computer desk?'

Awesome, they were moving house, they had a computer desk and I needed one, so I had fun wheeling this computer desk back, taking it apart and putting it back together.

It has rained a lot, and I have had a quiet, boring day really. I can't get into another writing project, so anxiety and trauma get too close. That is the problem with weekends and time off. I need rest, but too much time resting and alone raises all the trauma.

Last night and recently I have vivid dreams about the damage done by the church.

I am reading books, and trying to start the new book.

I already did the housework for the weekend.

Tomorrow is remembrance Sunday, another day when the church of england show off and forget the Bible.
I am all for honouring those who died for us, but a yearly show involving graven images and a lot of showing off, is not so good.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

Well, it was a better day in a way, if you ignore the cat poo and thorns.

It was a garden clearance for some people I used to know, they moved house a few years ago, then I have moved a few times, but they emailed me and asked if I could do a garden clearance as they have sold and are moving a very long way away.
It was so nice to see them again, they are such nice people.

The garden was very hard work, and after horrible cigarette bins at work yesterday, today's aroma was cat poo. Have you ever emptied cigarette bins by the way, full and wet, they smell like sewage.

Anyway, I worked hard, and had lots of coffee.

And as they are moving, they gave me their gardening tools and barrow. It all helps me, they also gave me a box of chocolates, which are on the kitchen table if you want them, (not for long!) and they also gave me loads of advice and leads on possible work, and phoned people about things for me.
It was a very helpful and productive time.
But my hands are still full of thorns.

Forgot to say, 'Lala Land' is on Netflix now, and it is still trashy but I watched it anyway. It really would have benefited from the characters having some depth and a bit more happiness. It drudges.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Not much to say.

I have been doing winter pruning and clearing today.

And all the housework.

I got bread and donuts from the welfare. And crumpets.

Gorst reading my blog as he swans off on holidays paid for by the poor in Jersey, as 'Christian' he should be in Jersey, making sure that those poor, the real Jerseypeople, get a better deal.
Or rather he should be resigning for his destruction of me to cover up for the Jersey Deanery.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

I went to the welfare earlier, they were kind, I had a donut and some tea. No one can mend what the church have inflicted and won't put right, all the welfare can do is pat me on the head and feed me, feeding me is always a good idea, I am good at eating, skilled in fact.

I am really struggling, It has been some time now since the Bishop and Archbishop publicly destroyed me and there has been no justice and the national safeguarding team who set it all up and didn't have any answer as to the differing statements of the duplicitous Bishop and Archbishop, continue to do nothing except destroy me.

Things don't get better as the church continue to deny me, make me out to be nuts, condemn me and try to pray me away, their prayers are contemptible, do they think their God approves of them?
Here's my prayer.
God of the Church of England, cast their prayers back down on them with violence and destroy them for their destruction of me, may their prayers ridicule them. Amen

The Bishop doesn't like me telling people he abused and destroyed me, because he wants to pretend that that isn't reality, Which is another reason that the church of england needs to go, the church isn't about Jesus or Christianity or even integrity, which is a part of Christianity. The Bishop's dishonesty and hiding behind lawyers and PR firms isn't Christianity, or integrity or humanity.
Remember that when the Bishop tries to have me put away to silence me.

yak yak yak.

Febreze.

This afternoon I did some satisfying work, clearing borders for the winter, cutting things back.
It is cold and clear and I wish I could go out, but I can hardly walk or breathe.
I got worn out by walking and working earlier.
I wish life had a point.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

It has been a rainy day, and I have been buried in deep depression.

I did publish some things though.

The more I look at that post on the other blog, the one someone else did, the more I am amazed at how succinct it is.

http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/2017/11/i-cant-for-life-of-me-remember-who.html

The Bishop's camp is rumbling, they want me wiped out to silence me.
The Bishop's camp? Yeah, he is actually.
His police are after me, so I am nearly at the end of my life.

I have had tuna and rice.

I feel very low.

Hollyoaks is on.

My dream last night was a wonderfully blended mixture of being bullied by my siblings and being destroyed at Canterbury, so many similarities.

Monday evening

I get so tired, so tired, I have been so tired.

Today was mainly leaf sweeping and cutting spiky things that bit my hands.

Max needs repairs, the bill is the last thing I need.
He will be done on Wednesday but I have no idea how I will pay the rent.

It is winter hours now, and without sub contract or a car fit to earn extra through delivery driving, I don't know how I will get by.

I am so tired all the time, I just want to sleep, and not have to wake up to the horror of everything.

Monday morning

Good morning peeps,

Not too well right now, I could sleep again, the after-effects of the trip to Winchester are worse now because I didn't do proper pain management yesterday.

I have tried with my heavy neck thing, but I just want to go to sleep, my head is bursting and I can feel the strain.

I am updating before I forget my dreams.

I dreamed that I was driving near my old house, and the stupid lady with the blue car was blocking the road and I overtook her and went over the junction but my car turned into a bike and I went into a cemetery that isn't usually there. I thought it was a closed cemetery too, but I found new interrments and graves.
There was one grave that was rainbow colour and it said on it 'The world will have to take me as I am'.
And even in my dream I wondered why such a life statement was on a dead person's grave.

Then I dreamed about beautiful boats.

Then I dreamed that the church were flinging me into court without a voice again and they wanted me to be forced to plead guilty as they had done before.
But I decided that their time for having me forced upon while I had no voice was over, and I was going to tell the judge exactly what was going on.
In reality, the church will get away with what they have done as many times as they like, as all the authorities are on their side and I will never be recorded as me or have a voice.

I feel sick, I really want to go back to bed.

Sunday

Hey peeps,

I slept most of the day.
Not in terrible pain but certainly feeling the after effects, and struggling to walk.

This evening I staggered to the welfare, and they patted me on the head, fed me roadkill stew and some sort of hot drink, and sent me on my way with a substantial food parcel, much needed.

The trip to Winchester had been booked in advance, I can't afford trips anywhere except the expenses paid ones that I sometimes make. But I have very little money, it is winter hours at work now and people keep cancelling and it keeps raining.
Not good.
Combined with the bleak situation of recent events, it is hard to cope.

Anyway, so I went to Winchester yesterday, it will always be my home town, even if I am exiled, but my people are gone.
It is funny, I recognize so many people in Winchester, a lot of them I can't remember where from, some are church people, so I cheerfully flip the bird at their departing backs. So many people living the lie of the church of england.

I am watching Goldmember and trying to type out another Circle post on the other blog.
The Bishop is trying to set his police on me.

Norf Wolls

The brands early on, Winchester High Street dow to the Broadway.

I can't get the North Walls Videos to upload and play, sorry.

The brands are on the move. Buttercross. Sorry my cheap smartphone camera isn't the best for this.

From Jewry Street, the brands are still all the way down to the Broadway despite me filming from the Buttercross for some time.

North Walls 2017 - briefly

I am on my way home, with a bit of assistance from a few kind people.
I couldn't really stand or walk any more, so I am grateful for the help.

Well it started at 4am this morning, so I am tired. I live a long way from Winchester, for my safety, not because I want to be exiled from my home town, although it is a sad and useless home town since the Bishop and his personal pit bull estranged me from my friends, churches and community there.
There isn't any way of ever putting that right, which is why Jane Dodds' stupid comment about making things 'like they were before' made me so angry. She really didn't have a clue about what I had been though.
It always annoyed me that Bob Hill didn't take in or understand any of what had happened, and thought I still lived at Winchester and kept telling people so. I was driven violently from Winchester by Jane Fisher and the Bishop in 2010/11 to protect the Bishop's reputation, and they didn't stop but kept driving me when I fled.

Anyway, it was heavy rain as I set off this morning, and it rained until 10am.
I had a spare jumper and spare socks with me and I was glad I did.

It was nice to see my Southampton again, my special precious Southampton. Southampton is like a hug, a hug with too much walking, but a hug nonetheless.

Then it was on to Winchester.

Winchester was dozing, so I poked it and it woke up, coughed and said 'Oh, JJ is home'.

I had breakfast, as it was now 8am by the time I had kicked Winchester into wakefulness.

The morning went by peacefully, and I enjoyed tea in a favourite cafe at lunchtime.

I enjoyed popping round to St. Peters, who helped Fisher and Scott-Joynt to destroy me, just to scare the hell out of some of their old gossips.

I wrote a nice letter to some of the people who aided Fisher and Scott-Joynt in destroying me, and wished with all my heart that the Winchester of before then could still be my Winchester, my home town, the Winchester of rolling down the Arbour bank with Poppy in the snow, that was my home town. But it remains the stained and shamed and unsafe Winchester of the church destruction of me.

Here is my nice letter

http://www.opnlttr.com/letter/open-letter-complaint-winchester-churches-nightshelter-and-trinity-centre

I would not have been a rough sleeper and open to rapes and assaults if those people had not aided the Diocese of Winchester in destroying me.

At some point the police turned up, so I strategized, legged it, and watched with great interest as they didn't find me. They continued to not find me until they were busy with North Walls.

An addict collapsed in the road outside McDonalds and the police were there as well, trying to revive him.

I sat on the wall by the site of the old police station, the police brutalized me and abused me there and behaved appallingly, nothing will ever heal that, but if I sit there and pray, it helps.

I found some really good tea before going to North Walls, I didn't have drinks and snacks with me, and it is my last North Walls, so it is no good saying be better prepared next year.

I walked down, I used to be there for hours, like many people, getting all hyped up and excited. But now I am too tired and can't stand, so by 6.15 I was playing with the light sculpture rather than down at the Broadway. There were a lot less police this year.

I splatted happily at the light sculpture for a while, and cried a bit, the light sculpture, the 'pillar of light' is interactive and if you splat it's middle, the lights dance and play with you and I love it so much, I adore bright LED colour lights.
But some children came along and they wanted the sculpture, so they were using the text service to choose the colours and light patterns. I just watched.

Then I had to go and join North Walls.

But I didn't even try to get to the Broadway, it was packed. I stayed up by the Buttercross.
It felt funny, I was doing North Walls differently.

I stood on a bench and I did photos and videos of the brands. I didn't have a brand this year, to symbolize that the flame has gone out and the light is fading.

The crowds and brands grew and grew.

I couldn't believe it when the blues started to move, they have never in my life started North Walls on time!
But yes, the marshalls were shouting everyone to move, and the fire engine was coming through.
There was little by way of bands and parade following it this year, but never mind.

I stayed where I was for some time, the crowds were so thick and I just didn't feel able to walk, normally I would be at the front, and would look back from Jewry Street at the brands all the way to the Broadway.

I videod from the bench for some time and then joined the brands.
And even when I reached Jewry Street, the brands were thick back to the Broadway, it will never get old, that sight, the pride of Winchester. The sight that a terrified seventeen year old saw for the first time and overcame her fear of fire from an upbringing of petrol bombs and malicious fires.

'Winchester! My heart! My Home! My Heritage! Nothing they do will take you away from me!'

As I did the video from Jewry Street, some lovely people, new in town, asked for directions, I had to tell them with a grin that they would have to walk against the crowds to get to their destination, the crowds remained thick and solid down to the Broadway.

I walked Jewry Street, and stopped at City Road for more video and pictures. The usual trapped traffic on City Road was fuming.

And then it was onto North Walls.

Down to the Fire Engine.

And down past River Park.
Someone fell over, but they were OK.

In the old days you didn't have to hold your wristband up on the bridge, because there weren't wristbands, back when I were a lass.

Oh, the strangest last North Walls for me.

I had made an effort to be later in the parade so that I wouldn't have to stand and walk around on the muddy field, it is such a stress, and now alone, there is no excitement or party atmosphere for me in waiting. No.

There was still some time, as the bonfire was late being lit!
Another bloody tradition.
And then they did this stupid disco stuff, making the fireworks really late.
I was hopping mad because I was sure I would miss the fireworks now, as I had to start heading back.
Eventually the fireworks started.
And they were as good as ever.
I had actually got a seat, on a step, which is a never for North Walls. No seats.
But even so, I had to get walking up the road part way through, and watched as I walked.

I hoped to get a train before they got too crowded, and hurry on home, but no such luck, the points and network failures meant it was chaos, and the crowds poured in from North Walls.

I was panicked. But Passenger assistance flung me into first class on the first train that was running and I had a nice journey thus far.

I am still on my way home, I have maybe 90 minutes or so of travel, and I am utterly exhausted and aching. I am worried about falling asleep before I get home.

Tomorrow I hope to transfer some of the photos and video, maybe, there is always a first time, then you will see what North Walls has been.

And when I am dead, they will still march with their brands, and the pride of my home town will echo, but that seventeen year old who overcame her fear of fire, will no longer be there with them.

Winchester

Please believe me and don't let me down. The Bishop is using the police to hound me and try to silence me again. He was quite happy to destroy me publicly for three years, but he doesn't like a teeny taste of his own medicine when I have reported him for his remorseless destruction of me.

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/jerseys-dean-letter-to-archbishop-of.html

http://www.opnlttr.com/letter/letter-questions-dioceses-winchester-and-canterbury

http://www.opnlttr.com/letter/second-letter-questions-dioceses-winchester-and-canterbury

http://www.opnlttr.com/letter/1st-open-letter-bishop-winchester-0

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JJNP

http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/formal-letter-to-bishop-dakin-2.html#.Wf2KG1u0Pcc

http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/third-formal-letter-to-bishop-of.html#.Wf2J11u0Pcc


That last letter contains an incredible bystander's observation, but I can't for the life of me remember who wrote it. I can't for the life of me remember. No, I can't. But it is pretty sharp.

Friday

Hey peeps,

The Diocese of Winchester have the police after me, again. I did say last year when the police attacked my home without charges, that now the church-police harassment had restarted, I may as well be dead, as it wouldn't stop. I was correct.

Anyway, it has been another day starting with trauma, and going on to work.
I washed the bed linen as well.

I went to do a garden and they hadn't phoned me to cancel, very annoying, then I was doing the care home, and was extremely surprised when one of the directors, who was visiting, came out and shook hands and said they were delighted with my work on the gardens there.
Sometimes the care home drives me nuts because I have a time budget there and there is so much to do, so it encouraged me a lot.

This evening I have been watching Hollyoaks and films.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Well it has been a quiet day, my old lady is away so this morning I didn't work, I was battling depression and trauma anyway.
This afternoon I did the care home. I have had to rethink my winter bedding, the new hanging baskets have small clips so they don't fit, so the winter pansies are all going in planters and tubs.
That made my mate laugh a bit when I grumpily told him.

This evening I have got on with writing the circle blogs on the other blog, yes the full horror of the violence aged 12 is on there now if you are feeling in the mood for horror.

I have watched two films this evening, and Hollyoaks, the first film was a sweet little film about a black couple who adopted a white baby, it's called 'He has your eyes', the second film, just finishing, is Titanic. I recommend the first film, beautiful.

It is cold and foggy, I like fog but it is dangerous.

I dreamed about Jersey last night, and the islands, clear and sharp again, that I was dying and was allowed to come home in peace. I hope I will be allowed.
Do you know something I never mentioned? When it was early days into the massive press stunt that the Bishop and Archbishop launched on me, a number of people offered me a home in Jersey.
You have no idea how much I wanted to accept those offers, but I knew better than anyone how unsafe and untenable it would be.

My letter to the Bishop has statted 1,111 in the past 10 days.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

Not much to say, I was struggling with heavy mowing today.
Continued to write the circle story on the other blog.

Just watching Airplane! Before Bed.

I still get some Jersey premonitions at the moment.