Yesterday evening was one of the longest most empty and depressed evenings there was, I walked and walked around with nowhere to go and no one to talk to, I felt lost, lonely, sad, low, useless. I got enough stickers for a cup of tea at one point and I also discovered that the shopping centre was open late and I could use the loo there, it is so different from last year when there was nothing and nowhere to go. But still it is lonely and miserable.
I was so tired yesterday, I felt like I never woke up. And by 9.20pm I was collapsed in my blankets and asleep immediately, I never even brewed a drink on my stove as I planned to, never mind soup kitchen, I was exhausted.
I woke briefly in the night for the loo, and that set off the night terrors about the church and what they did. I slept and dreamed of the Bishop deciding he was not retired and coming back to his old Cathedral, I dreamed about the Cathedral with it's pompous clergy and clean choirboys, I dreamed about a couple in county A who had decided something about living on the park and ride route for their children's sake and they were talking about how there were three park and ride routes, no idea what that was about.
I dreamed lots of dreams last night and had lots of distresses but I can't remember all of it, there was light rain forecast but none fell on me, I was warm and comfortable and slept until 7.30am this morning, I got up feeling tired.
I remember a dream I had just before I woke, the usual fear dream, I dreamed I had been spotted by the owners of my alleyway, that they had opened a door that is not in use and were putting a dustbin out, I got up and grabbed my bag and a blanket and ran away, I was chased and hid in some rubbish, but when I was found, the people who found me were not chasing me, just guarding the rubbish, and they were ok.

Anyway, when I woke up and stashed my bedding I went to the market, I need a break from the usual tea stall so I went to one of the other stalls that I know, I had a tea and toast and sat on the bench feeling tired, my friend from the tea stall came over and said hello, I think he realised I wasn't really awake though.

I went and had a thorough wash and meds and change of clothing, I was a bit worried because this morning I am bleeding quite a lot when I poo and on it's own, I have a feeling that that may be caused by the anti-inflammatories, I gather that they do that.

I am doing well for stickers today, which is good as I am running out of money. I have very little food left apart from chocolate and christmas goodies as I didn't get to soup kitchen last night, I wonder if I will have the energy to get there tonight?

I sat in church and read a bit of my book earlier, I have to get through today and then the library is open tomorrow and I will be ok until it closes again on Saturday afternoon, Sunday will be ok with church and staying with my friend and then there will be a few more bank holidays to endure before everything returns to normal. But the worst thing is being out of money for a long time and not really wanting to see my market stall friends because they got too involved and I was getting stressed, it just needs time and space.