I went to the samaritans after the library closed last night. It wasn't much help but I needed to be somewhere out of the wind and cold between 16.30 and 1900 when I was due to go to my friend's house.

When I went to the Samaritans they did as they do soemtimes, stood in the doorway and said 'can I help you?' I never like the 'can I help you?' it is what hostile shop assistants say, and if the Samaritan stands in the doorway when inviting you in so that you can't actually come in then it is a bit awkward or impossible, I am no good at people in doorways anyway, so when I got this greeting I went away and waited a while hoping that the samaritans would change shifts, I went back but was greeted the same way again, this time was a bit easier and the lady stopped standing in the doorway and came out, she wasn't on my wavelength at all, not in any way, but she said why didn't I come in and have a cup of tea? I thought that was a good idea, but she had no understanding at all, I felt like an idiot and so I talked like an idiot, she spent ages blocking the room doorway as she fiddled about with the lights and after an uncomfortable half hour she wanted me to go, what an embarrassing episode, usually the samaritans are quite good, but this woman really had no understanding at all of homelessness and claustrophobia and really just wanted me to go and live indoors, she was embarrassingly patronizing and not taking any notice of what I was saying, she kept interrupting as I tried to answer her questions, and kept changing the subject. Horrible, I was relieved to be out in the cold again, I went to McD's and exchanged stickers for a hot drink and started heading towards my friend and her neighbour's house, I got temporarily waylaid by a carol concert but it broke my heart too much so I wandered on.

I walked up the road and I remembered my dad, how I wish I could hear his voice saying 'Shalom motek', I started crying, I have been indoors for three nights and it has left me emotionally distressed and full to the top with bad memories and sadness, the fact that Christmas is fast approaching and the church have ruined my Christmas forever doesn't help.

I got to my friend's neighbour's house and she let me in, the neighbour had cooked a magnificant fish pie with vegetables and salad, very tasty. Then we sat by the fire a while and then we all went to my friend's house to watch television.
When the neighbour went home I had a bath and a bedtime cuppa and slept in the spare room instead of the conservatory because my friend felt bad about putting me in the conservatory.

I slept, but I woke several times in distress, I was having nightmares, vivid dreams and I was tense and upset even in my sleep, eventually in the early morning I slept more deeply and my friend woke me up with a nice cup of tea but it was hard to get up.

One of the dreams I actually remember was not distressing in itself, I dreamed I was in Africa, the culture was so different, I was with other people but I don't know who, we were in a hut, a great big African man told us that on Tuesdays they didn't use electricity or blessings, he was very stern about this.

I do not know what this dream was about, I do know that one thing I always longed and hoped to do was volunteer work in Africa, but due to my own poverty and struggles I never got a chance, I nearly did when St. C's used to send working parties to an African country, but the church problems overrode that. I remember some of the cult church people with Greg and Alice's Son and daughter in law and family showing off in the paper about their work in Africa. I have always been too poor to help others very much, but I tried very hard to help through volunteer work.

Anyway, after breakfast with my friend, we decided that I will stay with her on Friday night and we will go shopping early on Saturday to avoid the crowds (only the crowds will have the same idea, wont they?). My friend is going to get me a new pair of jeans as these have gone at the seams already.

My friend made me a packed lunch and I made my way back through the bright cold morning to town, the one advantage over the highbrow church people who belittled me so much is that I love these cold mornings, they are beautiful, but most people just think it is cold and it is winter and that is bad. I love winter, it is beautiful and less crowded than summer because in the winter everyone tries to stay indoors, in summer people are everywhere until late at night.

I am surprised to find the tea stall closed, I am told they are having a day off, they never mentioned it and they don't usually have a day off.
I go to the other tea stall and get a milky coffee.
I have had a number of messages from P. He forgot about me, he missed his bus, he asked if I wanted to stay with him last night, but obviously I was staying with my friend, so I couldn't.

I am a soup of bad emotions at the moment.