Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

The cat has just found the chicken I put out for her :)

Well what a day. I got on with some work while I waited for my hair appointment, and got a perfect score on a transcription project, I like the company, they pay automatically without you having to put in for a payout. I haven't finished the article I was doing, the company it is for are grungy, I don't like them or their articles, but on a brighter note I got 100% on the book review that I did. So that was work today.

I went and had my hair done. Welsh ladies usually have beautiful hair, and the Salon I went to were very Welsh, they even forgot I have an fairly English accent and they spoke to me in Welsh, which was fine.
 Eisteddwch yma os gwelwch yn dda

But they did the haircut that my hair has been missing since my hairdresser vanished a year ago. I am well impressed with my new Welsh hair, I look like a Welsh lady now :) and it was affordable. And I didn't have to worry about parking.
 It won't last, my hair is completely feral, like a drunk hedgehog, it does it's own thing, I was thinking about getting straighteners, but they cost a lot.

After the haircut I checked the cat and then went for a longer adventure than planned.

I took my friend's car, as arranged, the car is the heavy Passat that they said I could have if Max broke down or failed the MOT too badly. The Passat is running well and also passed it's MOT like Max did, but it is a heavy diesel.

I have been having breathing problems, presumably due to allergens and the stress of change of location and lifestyle, but during that first 10 minutes, driving the Passat across town, it felt like my lungs were going to pop out.

I had my satnav with me, as it is better to use my own that I am used to with my work, so I followed the satnav and was very careful with an unfamiliar car and unfamiliar roads. Ha, I had the funniest experience though.

My friend had said the car had loads of diesel, and I had taken her word for it and not even looked at the gauge, although I had sat and familiarized myself with the controls before I sat off, I think the engine was off at the time, and then I was so focused on trying to control the car and drive unfamiliar routes. So when the fuel warning light came on, I was a bit worried, Welsh roads are endless and fuel can get scarce.

I was in luck as there was a small fuel station, however, I didn't know which side of the Passat the fuel cap was! I went for one side and it was the other, and because the Passat is huge compared to Max, the fuel line wasn't going to stretch, but worse, I didn't know how to undo the fuel cap! My friends had been meaning to get my driving the Passat while they were here but they had got in such a last minute panic for going away that it got forgotten, along with various things, but I am independent, so I didn't think it mattered.

Anyway, so scrambling vainly with the fuel cap, parked the wrong side, I pulled my phone out and texted my friend, and then spotted the fuel button in the car, undid the cap, couldn't get the fuel line to stretch, and awkwardly scrambled the big car round to the other side of the pumps, and fueled up. The attendants in the teeny petrol station were nearly dead from laughter by now. And I sniggered too, and lumbered the Passat off to continue the journey after paying and explaining it was my first time driving the car.

On I went, and there was the junction where I could either go to the coal museum, which I really want to, or to Abergavenny, and I decided I couldn't wait to see Abergavenny again, so I headed that way.

The familiar sight above Abergavenny, and this is the Passat, see what I mean about her being a heavy machine compared to our Max?

I really enjoyed the drive down from Abergavenny to Brecon, and at Brecon I remembered the way.

Out onto that fast road that I used to drive along with Daffyd/David Williams when I was learning to drive, when I was a spotty teenager, and it is still an amazing drive. And before long, there is that turning, and the Griffin, still the revolting colour that it has always been.

'Verr-an-Vach! HAHA! And guess what, Martine, I never took your advice on men, and I am glad I didn't! I wish the English would invent their version of the unpronouncable in English sound that the Welsh and Hebrews have always had. FelinFatch means Water Mill, although if you look Water Mill up in a Welsh dictionary, you will get a different word altogether. I don't know where the mill is, but there is a river down there that I used to wade in with the retired collie.

 Griffin. 

So, here is the farm I worked on.
Unfortunately I was not able to get you the views that I used to see every day, partly because there was a haze over both the Brecon Beacons and the Black Mountains, and so the pictures really didn't show them, and because I didn't go right up to the farmhouse and the back fields where the views were so good. But every day, even though I was unhappy, I thought the mountains were beautiful, and I preferred the Black Mountains, their shape is more angular, more sharp, than the Beacons.

I did go up that endless track, and stopped some distance to the farmhouse, if the farmer is still there after all these years, and he might be if you look at the crop and sheep management, he will still be a bully and a psychopath, so I had no wish to see him apart from to tell him what I thought of him and to tell him that after all these years and with a broken back, I am a skilled landbased worker. He wouldn't recognize me, I was elective mute and my background and autism hadn't been diagnosed, I was an easy target for him.

Anyway, on to more cheerful things, I didn't nick the combine and drive it through his haystack, I just continued my journey.

See what I mean about the haze on the Black Mountains? You can't see the view I used to see.

Anyway, on I went. I survived it, peeps, I survived it.

That's what I mean about the black mountains being angular compared to the beacons, I wish I could get a really good picture, but I can't. But don't worry, I have better pictures of the Beacons.

 I had a long drive home, I was driving well with the Passat, used to it now, and overtaking the slower vehicles on the dual carriageway.

I got home and fed the cat and got supper. Went over to the shop. Did the bins when I got back, and have been idly watching the usual loops on television. I have taken to working in the kitchen as I sat here to wait for the courier who takes my friend's work and it is a habit, the TV down here is freeview, while the upstairs TVs are sky, the one in the lounge has gone faulty, and I don't watch TV at bed time, so I am missing out having to change hundreds of channels for something to watch when I don't even want to watch TV.

Tuesday

Anfonwch filiwn o bunnoedd i mi, diolch.

Good morning peeps,

I was dreaming all night, some of the dreams were bizarre, I was trying to stop a ship from crashing and sinking in the bay, and the bay was St. Aubins as well as the Great Ship Bay.

But the dreams were much sadder after that. I dreamed of my old community and friends who Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt violently separated me from, some of whom are long dead and gone now, I dreamed I was there and they were there, but I was seperate from them, I was taking part in everything I took part in, but my friends and I were seperate. I guess that dream was an expression of grief.

I am out of relapse really, and the day is cooler, but I am not going out yet. I have done all the cat care, the cat needs  a lot of looking after because it is old and ill. It has gone to sleep now.

I have an article to work on, 500 words, I am on 67 with that, so it will be in before I go for a haircut and then finally start my sightseeing trips. I want to go down the mine, I wonder how scary that will be? And if it will put too much pressure on my lungs? The relapse yesterday was so bad that my lungs and throat didn't even want to work, but I managed a meal in the evening and slept and now I am almost back to normal. My muscles are not right, and they just seem to give up with fatigue after travelling. I could have done with a walking stick yesterday, and yet today I am pretty much OK.

It is grey and cool today, which is ideal for me.

Monday night

Good evening peeps,

I sat here at the kitchen table while my friends got into their panics over their holiday, and then off they went.

I was so tired that I didn't want to go out, but I also didn't want to waste my holiday on fatigue, so I went out and mooched round the shops. There was a man and a lady talking loudly about Jimmy Savile and the Royal family and going on about how he was supplying them with children. They went on talking really loud and I was so tempted to go over and tell them not to forget the church of england's role in it all.

Anyway, I found a haircut place and booked a haircut for tomorrow, my hair is really bad, I hope they don't make it worse.
But I was so exhausted, that any trips and sightseeing became out of the question and I came home and slept for three hours, still relatively little pain, although I am drugged, but the exhaustion that travel causes is ridiculous.

I need to go and get some groceries.
Tomorrow I hope to get some sightseeing and some work done. I did a book review while I was travelling yesterday and submitted it, and it was accepted. But I feel that I am wasting time by not doing writing work because I am so tired.

Felly, sydd am nofio yn Wysg, mae'r un olaf yn colli eu siwt nofio

Monday

Fe wnes i golli Justin mewn twnnel ddoe.

Cyfarchion o gartref fy mhobl, mae'n dda bod yma.

Today is grey  with a slight breeze. I am in very little pain today, but quite tired.

Yesterday, as you know, I had great difficulty with my day's travelling, a long journey is daunting to me under any circumstances, and yesterday's circumstances were pretty bad. It was a very hot day and the trains had no air conditioning, or it wasn't working. There were huge train problems with delays and cancellations and overcrowding as a result, it was also the end of the UK half term, which made it even worse, and travel at the weekend is always an awful thing, which I would normally avoid, but my friends go away again and I had to get here in time to learn to look after their poorly old cat and get to know everything here.

Anyway, the train I was waiting for yesterday was crowded but thanks to my neck brace, which was like a scarf in that heat, I got a seat, and I got here.

I was worried about the impact of yesterday, although I did meds, hydration, exercises, neck brace, and anything that would help me.

I got to the station and my friend collected me, showed me round town briefly and we went home and had a lovely stir-fry, which reminded me about eating properly, because I don't. And then we watched some comedy and then I slept on the sofa. They have a nice long sofa, and once I had got my arm to settle, I was asleep. The long sofa meant that the pillows wedged firmly against the sofa arm, so I could keep my head and neck in place, and my head was supported enough for me to sleep comfortably and without any side effects, I really need to get my head supports at home sorted out, the new pillow I got was useless.

I woke at about 7, there was some early sunlight before grey cloud came down and I had slept through the night, exhausted, I was still tired but not in much pain, which is amazing after yesterday.

I had a wash and got dressed. My friends have the same small loaf as I use, and butter and peanut butter, so, hundreds of miles from home, I had my usual breakfast.

Then we went dog walking. The dog likes several 5 Kilometer walks per day, so we had a long walk, and I was walking better, I was OK, it's just that my lungs are low, something here is really triggering my hayfever, which hadn't bothered me this year until I got here. But I walked OK. Yesterday my lungs had to endure cigarette smoke and perfume, another delight of travelling.

Now my friends are preparing to set off, and we are having some omlettes or something. I am tired. I could do with being asleep. I think we need to invent teleporting, to make travel less difficult.

Last legs

I am on my last legs, exhausted, aching, struggling to walk. I won't tell you about my adventure, because that is a rare secret, normally I tell you everything, even the toilet, but today no, all I will tell you is that I am soon boarding the last leg to Wales, and I am very tired and struggling. I will be glad to get there now, a nice shower and an early night would be good if my friends can bear it.

Next Leg

Hey peeps,

I am having fun driving everyone mad with updating on different platforms. I got of the train on one platform, and the phone rang, so I had fun struggling through the barriers with the phone in one hand and my backpack and suitcase in several other hands, woohoo.

Here I am, the actual adventures of this leg, if they kick off at all, have not yet begun, because I needed rest and food and things. The train was hot and crowded and cramped and it was everything that my useless body doesn't like. So right now, sitting down and eating and drinking and resting is a good start. I did have a litre of squash and my meds and neck collar, I was very good and looked after myself, but this is still one hell of a journey for me. I will leave here in a few hours and will arrive in Wales for evening.

Well, things are pretty much the same here as they always were, apart from the generator having gone, but a kind and helpful lady rushed to greet me at the very convenient replacement, and so I can journey as I used to for a few hours, and see who I can find of those who I knew.

As for the phonecall, that is to do with the thing I am not telling you, and it may come to nothing, but who knows?

Now, the next step is to go and ask the Christian Barge dwellers if they know what has become of my mates, and if the Christian Barge Dwellers are not here, there is a man who hides out in that symbolic building above the car park, and that man will be astonished to see me and will confess all regarding my old mates. Hm, this may be fun or fruitless, but what matters is, that before the phone rang, as the train came into the station, my heart leaped with joy and there was a lump in my throat, it is like being reunited with a dear old friend. Welcome back, Anna!

Now, I go first to the South, follow the river from the archway with the rats and blood and urine, where I used to sleep so peacefully, and see who I can find.

That was a fun story :) 

Welsh legs

Morning peeps,

I have a wee cough. a wee cough, gettit? Must be this tonsillitis that is still plaguing me since I saw the dental hygenist, I get real bad tonsils because the NHS never did anything about them, I thought it was getting better yesterday, I keep treating it, but it has gone angry again.

Well I was all sorted and packed, struggled to get to sleep, was dreaming sad dreams when I woke with the first alarm at 6am. My landlord was already busy in the garden, he gets up at 5.

I got breakfasted and showered and off we went, he didn't just drop me in town, he dropped me at the travel terminal, which was great, saved lugging me luggage onto the bus and finding fares for old grumpy or Andrew. Ha, you got a mention, Andrew, shout me when it's next Pizza Night!

I was in plenty of time at the terminal, the sea was shining as I wandered along the walk.
We were in time leaving, but not coming in, I had missed the connection by three minutes.
I am camping happily in an old favourite cafe of mine, with strong coffee and my computer, while I wait for the next connection in just over an hour, I don't mind too much. My ticket is flexible.

Next stop isn't actually Wales, I arrive there tonight, but I made it this far, which is good. I am several hours from home now and I worry about Max and Rebecca being good while I am away. Will they be good? Will the crazy neighbours spray Max with gravel while they do mad reversing and turning?

What will happen? Will I ever make it home? This world away from home is very big and full of people and cars and things, where do they all come from? What if I get lost? Why are people smoking when it hurts my lungs?  Who am I? Where am I? What's my name? I'm P. Bailhache, reading documents on a plane!

Tonight my mystery stop en-route will be revealed and hopefully pictures as well.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

I had a bit of a lie-in this morning after yesterday's madness and hard work.
I got up and mooched through my routines, not much pain really.

I went down to the travel hub to check a few things about my travel tickets as I didn't book them, my friend did. That all went well.
Then I had to go and get a suitcase, I think my old one only lasted for that last working holiday, the Scottish one. I have got what they call a cabin case, which is fine, everything fits, and I will have my backpack. I am pretty much packed, last few things in the morning, and then my landlord is dropping me off to the first leg of the journey, I am setting off early, but this household wakes at 5am, so that is OK, I have detour in mind, and am looking forward to it. It isn't what I have been not telling you about, that is another potential addition to my trip. Holidays are scarce, make the most of them.

Anyway, so, due to it being grockle season, my ventures took some time, and then I came home and have got on with chores, packing, and a bit of work.

Pretty much all ready. Just watching films and doing some writing.

My landlord fixed the blue bike, all I have to do is stop him adopting it now :)

It has been a warm and sunny day, but the sea was a tad boring.
My meds were dispatched on Tuesday but didn't arrive in time for holidays, I will have to survive on the dregs, they are only for stopping my insides from bleeding.

It feels a bit strange to have completed all my checklists and packing, I thought it was supposed to be more stressful than this, I don't go away often, as you may realise. I did all my wandering when I was homeless.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

I had a bad night last night with flashbacks and I woke up tired. I also have this tonsil infection which was probably from the dental hygenist.

I dragged myself out of bed this morning, set off through the fog at 20mph behind every grockle who can't drive at more than 20, who hates grockles? I do, you forget about them during the winter, but then they come back.
I got to work a few minutes late, but they owed me a few minutes from when I stayed on before.
I worked and work, hard clearance work. 7 ton bags, several tree stumps and some happy customers and a very annoyed spine. But my work wasn't over.

I tried to do the bad habit, go on to the next garden in the same area without stopping for lunch, because I was worried about being late for my dental appointment, but it was now 1.45 and I hadn't even had a snack and had done hard work, so my blood sugar had dropped and I was getting the beginnings of hypoglycemia.

So after 15 minutes, I gave in and went and got food, as well as petrol and my mail from the mail handling centre, and then I returned to work.

Halfway through, the dental surgery rang and asked if I could come in earlier as the dentist had a crisis at home that he wanted to get back to, and he wanted to get the filling in my tooth before I went away. So I told the house owners who had come home, and I put my tools together and went to the dentist, I couldn't rush because the grockles were still crawling at 20mph.
The dentist's wife had hurt her back, but not too seriously, but she needed his help with the children, so he stayed to do my tooth, and then he headed home and I headed back to work, the filling was only a small one, no drilling or drugs. And I returned to work, got that garden squared up, but it meant I didn't get home until about 6.30, and as you who know me will realise, that all of that could set me up for a relapse or a lot of pain, just before I go away, so tomorrow I am not planning on doing the care home, I will take it easy and get some home-based work done and finish preparing to go away.

There is an exciting new possibility to my holidays, which I am not telling you about, but it is not to do with Wales. I am aching. I am going to sleep soon. The blogs have statted, and Jersey has been part of that, what another attack on me? Fatherless morons.
I hope this tonsil gets better soon.

Wales will take all day to reach. But at least it is pretty much planned out. My landlord takes me the first few minutes of the journey, into town, and then the long and convoluted legs of the journey begin. I get worried about such long journeys as they are very stressful and I must remember my collar. I hope it isn't too busy anywhere, I hope I get lots of hot drinks, and I hope I don't panic or get ill with pain, parts of the journey are by train, which shakes me poor bones.

We have had a lot of fog here, I am always puzzled by fog with strong winds, how does it do that?

Thursday

Good afternoony peeps,

It is a wet rainy day and I think I picked up and infection from the dental surgery, my tonsils are having a right moan, however, I will spare you the gory details.

It's been one of those weeks, a week where things don't go quite right.
I wanted clean clothes for Wales and I only really have two of everything, and I put that two of everything through the wash and on the line yesterday evening, intending to get it in before the rain started today, ha, by the time I dragged my spine off the bed this morning, exhausted after a night's sleep, it was pouring with rain.

The farm had decided to leave the farm duties to me, seeing as I would be up there to mow and strim, but with the weather, I was not sure I would get anything done.
I went and did the duties. I decided that despite the weather, I would crack on with the mowing.
Ha. The tractor key was nowhere in sight. I texted and was told it was hiding in the farmhouse and I could go in and get it, so I did.

And so I mowed as the rain watered me most wetly. I mowed the orchards, a high cut and a low cut as they had got so long, I mowed the lawns, the areas round the veg plots, I mowed the verges and short work with the push mower, and I mowed a track through the field.
I couldn't mow the geese paddock as it was too wild and messy, I was supposed to strim that.
I dug the veg plots, ready for planting, but the rats had been tunneling and I was falling down their holes. The hens tutted and fussed as I dug.
I didn't mow the cottage lawns as there are guests in, and I was probably making enough noise for them already.
I got the strimmer out and did some of the strimming, but by the time I started the paddock, the strimmer was playing up and I was wet, muddy, cold and aching. I only have one spare pair of everything, and I was wearing it, including the wrong bra for heavy farm work, while my normal clothes were all soaking wet on the washing line, what a silly situation to be in, it shouldn't happen.
So anyway, I came home. Took my muddy boots and clothes off, and fell asleep on the bed as it poured with rain outside.

I am just trying to puzzle out my next steps. I have no cash left. I get two small paypal payments tomorrow for writing and music and can't transfer them until I get home, and I can work for cash in the morning and bank transfer in the evening,but I won't get to the bank but in the meantime, my landlord, who doesn't know how poor I am, may wonder why I haven't taken the clothes to the local laundarette to dry them, and I have a bill due out in the morning, only a small one. I wonder if I will be better off when I get PIP and when my freelance writing career develops.
I hope to do a bit of work for the care home on Saturday as well as earning a living tomorrow. The problem is, tomorrow I am trying to squash two large gardens into the day and then rush to the dentist to have the missing filling replaced, so I won't get to the bank or online to sort me money out.

I am applying for transcribing work now, another income stream, I didn't think I could do it with dysphasia, but actually I did quite well on a test. I really need to progress as there is no way I am not retiring from gardening at the end of the season, I am dragging myself through the days, even though I love my work, my body has simply said no, it can't do this work any more.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

I forgot that yesterday existed. It undoubtedly did.
Yesterday morning I woke at 5.45 from bad nightmares and went into flashbacks in stead.
It was pouring with rain and my landlord was up so the kettle was hot. I nipped to the cashpoint and got the rent, and got some milk from the shop, and then wondered what would happen with the weather, I want to get my gardens done before I go.

The weathered cleared and I went to the care home and did a massive weed and tidy up, but I want to get back on Saturday and tend my plants there and cut the hedge if I can, so it stays in order while I am away.

The care home was all I got done in the unpredictable weather, and I came home. I fell asleep when I got home, no idea why, work hadn't been taxing and I had slept through the night.

I woke only just in time to go to my evening shift. Well while Monday night's shift had been busy, yesterday evening was relatively quiet.

I came home and was tired enough to sleep. No memorable dreams, but I woke in the morning in a lot of pain and feeling very tired, painful and depressed, with smatterings of flashbacks. It was hard to move, my spine didn't want to be dragged off the bed.
I did painkillers and nearly threw up, not good on an empty stomach, not clever, but they worked fast, I did the heavy machine and put my collar on, and in a few hours I was almost alright.

I really needed to work while the rain held off, but I struggled to get sorted and have any time to work before my dental appointment. So I worked on music reviews and put in for a payout.

My dental appointment was with the hygenist for a thorough teeth clean and some tips on teeth care. The appointment was half and hour and it was good, I have never seen a hygenist before, the dentist has sometimes cleaned my teeth, but it was nice to have a thorough teeth clean and discussion, see no-one actually ever taught me to brush my teeth, and my jaw means my teeth are crowded, so it is hard to clean some of them well. Anyway, the hygenist was really nice, and she asked if I had antibiotics as a child, because of the bars on my teeth, and I told her no, they were from illness, she said she understood that, it is a stress reaction, the teeth stop growing at that point. It is funny to hear it from a hygenist, because it was always something I knew only vaguely.

Anyway, nice clean teeth, but there was a problem, when I got home, I realised that the cleaning had knocked a filling out! A front filling, you know hot they can do a shallow filling with white paste? One of those, it must have been loosened by the water jet or brush or knocked by the metal bits. I have emailed them. I would like it fixed before I go.

Anyway, after that, I tried to go and work but I was tired, distracted, not feeling great, dental appointments upset my poor jaw, and so I went to the mail handling centre but nothing I was expecting had arrived.

I came home and started a deep clean and tidy of my room, a thorough sort out of paperwork and other things, and packing for Wales. I also hoovered and dusted and wiped. All sorted.

I am supposed to be mowing the farm tomorrow but the weather looks bad, I am running out of days to get my remaining work done before I go.

Monday

Hey peeps,

Its a bankolody Monday, one of those days designed to confuse us Aspies.

I have been writing and reviewing and things.

I didn't have much money or petrol to go out, so I have only been to the supermarket and clothing bank. I got a bottle of milk and some chops, and then nearly sent the kitchen up in smoke by leaving the chops cooking.

I got an unsurprising text this morning, asking me to work this evening, which is fine but I have almost no petrol. I got Max fixed and MOT'd and paid the rent and bills but I have been left a bit short, I haven't had many driving shifts due to the new guys grabbing all the shifts, and a number of customers are away and have family for half term so I have less gardens to do as well.

It has been very hot again and the neighbours have been very noisy, so not an ideal situation, and the thunderstorms have been missing us.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

Well last night someone was having a fireworks display and then they stopped because a massive thunderstorm came thundering and storming in.
I didn't want to finish my bed time routines because I wanted to watch the lightning, and it was like last time, continuous lightning and lots of thunder, great fun, we get a good view, and it rained heavily, so I had the windows and blinds open even as I went to bed, well it was the only way to get me to go to bed, and I was tired.

This morning I slept until 9.30, I must have been tired, some vivid dreams but not nightmares. But I was in pain when I woke, my head and neck hadn't been supported properly.

And I was still in pyjamas when I got emails from my friend on the cliffs, she was bribing and tempting me with fresh scones :) I felt bribed and tempted, so I showered and dressed without bothering to wake up or take painkillers, and I headed for the cheese scones.

It was another hot day, and my friends and their family were living in the garden. We had coffee, and I got to  meet the new baby, who was grouchy with the heat. The children kept us busy, you know sometimes I wish I had been able to marry and have a family, well when I see the children, no matter how lovely they are, I know I don't have the patience to be a parent. The scooby gang have endless patience with the children and I can certainly be big sister when I am round, but I couldn't be a mother.

They were trying to work out whether to attend a local festival, one that my late friend loved, but it was decided we would relax in the garden instead. We had a delicious lunch, they never fail on the delicious food, and we had cake and strawberries and cream for dessert. I always feel when I am there that they live in paradise, I know it isn't true, but I love their life. After lunch the children were put in the paddling pool and we had a cuppa and then I took the dog for a short walk round the field. I can't walk her on the cliffs or beach until or unless my back responds to treatment, and the beach and cliffs would be busy with dogs and people on the half term bank holiday and neither I nor the dog are keen on lots of dogs and people.

Then it was time for me to go, complete with a bag of fresh scones. I drove along the cliffs and it was very busy, so I came home and got on with chores and writing. I have been very busy. I hoovered all the cobwebs and spiders off the ceiling, I am not scared of spiders but not keen on sharing, some of them bite, some of them wander over me and my computer, my landlord has a spider as big as a mouse in the downstairs loo, it waves as it wanders past.
I have had three gardening cancellations for the week, so I am going to take it take it easy this week, I have been so tired and the pain is constant.  I will put a lot of effort into my remaining customers if the weather allows, because work will be disrupted for two weeks after this week.

When I got home, my landlord cheerfully announced that he had been dismantling the blue bike, he loves bikes, he loves taking them apart, and the blue bike needs a new tyre, so he took that opportunity to dismantle her, and he will fetch me a tyre during the week, I told him he can have two shillings and sixpence for that.

I am just watching Yes Man and considering nipping to take some things to the clothing bank. I have a bad choice of noisy neighbours or closed windows and too hot, it is really hard for me to focus on writing with the neighbours partying it up. Ha, Good luck to them, I wish I could party it up, but I would rather be very quiet and work. I would also rather they didn't do dangerous driving and nearly hit Max after he did so well in his MOT.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

My abusers are really kicking off aren't they? God strike them dead and make them take their lies with them to hell.

Anyway. I was very tired and I slept through the night and woke at about 9am this morning.
I had been dreaming and I did go into mild flashbacks, but that passed.
It was supposed to be raining first thing, so I hadn't put my washing on and out overnight, but when I got up it wasn't raining, so I decided to chance it and put the washing on and out.

I was in luck, despite the forecast the weather remained very hot and humid with a strong breeze, and the washing dried.
I got on with other weekend chores and housework, and biked into town to get toiletries, meds and essentials. I wanted to stay out and scoot round the streets on the bike as I love doing that, but I was tired and the impact on my neck is too much, so I came home.

I have been working on writing and reviews, all my articles were accepted, so I will get a payout next week, and I am halfway to a music review payout as well.

The weather went on threatening as I got on with my tasks, but it remained dry all day until just now and it has broken now in heavy rain.

I did pork chop and loads of rocket salad with houmous, and I went down to the sea, it is a big spring tide, awesome. There were a few police vehicles down there but I couldn't see why.

I have been watching films, I watched 'Bright' which is another Will Smith moody cop one, I like him as a moody cop. I don't fancy him but I think he is a good actor and I tend to like his films.

Wow, still two days of the weekend, I have to be careful with time off in case I get distressed. I have had mild flashbacks today. Now I have to think that I have two more days off unless I am asked to do a driving shift or I decide to do the care home, and then I have a four day working week and then Wales, while I am in Wales I will not be completely unoccupied as I will be animal and house sitting and visiting and writing articles on, various historical sites, and I will be working on my freelance writing career and my books, but I will be alone, which is the thing to be careful of, depression and trauma are sneaky so and so's and they get in where they can.

Tomorrow I am hoping to see my friends on the cliffs and take the dog for a short walk, that will be nice. I wish I could walk the dog for miles along the beach, but I can't.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

Well, despite trauma, I was able to go to work this morning, I had a new client, I don't think I want to keep her, but in five months my 17 year career in gardening will be over anyway, so what does it matter? Anyway, despite the heat and the persistent flashbacks, I worked hard, I caught up with all of my outstanding work, so I can have the weekend off. I have no driving shifts this weekend, yet, but I am on call, and some of the drivers are likely to go off drunk, as they do, so I will work if I am asked.

I didn't get any articles accepted before the payout deadline, so all the ones done yesterday will roll over to next week, my book review was accepted and published though and I did get a payout for music reviews :) I value the music studies I did before the church of england's harm forced my degree to a premature end, it means I can review music, another branch of my freelance writing service.

I got home this evening, tired, aching, full of nettle stings and thorns, but having paid the last bills for the month, at last, I was given a few days grace, because getting Max repaired and through the MOT and getting the rent paid had priority. I had a nice shower, put some clean clothes on, and went and got some groceries.

I have been watching a film about a boy who developed bipolar disorder, and the struggles that he and his parents went through. I haven't caught up the last few Hollyoaks Omnibuses, but it looked like Alfie was developing bipolar, only Hollyoaks being what it is, they portrayed it horribly, they are very crass when it comes to mental illness, and a number of other subjects.
Anyway, that was interesting.

My room is a mess, I only tidied it the other day, so how dd that happen?

I had the urge to get pringles and dip and cut-price shloer, and watch films and read books, that probably means its a bank holiday weekend. I so want to go out on the blue bike this weekend but the weather looks bad. We have put the blue bike in the stable with the other bikes, out of the weather. I haven't been out on the bike all week, too much going on and too much tiredness and pain. I was thinking earlier, if treatment can't do much for my lower back, I will always be in pain. Gloomy thoughts. No good thinking like that, I have managed chronic pain for a long time now and it isn't all of life, some people are worse off than me.

I think the church and their nasty associates have been kicking off, judging by the stats, but I have to grimly preserve my life while no one will restrain them, and I have to struggle on with life until I can't any more.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Relapse isn't much fun. Pain, fatigue, muddled thinking, lapses of concentration. Awful feeling, difficult to describe, but if you think of all the things I have done recently, it is no wonder.

I stayed in bed today and wrote articles and a book review, articles were flowing in and I had a review to do, so I got on with that while it rained outside, I got some work done yesterday but I was struggling.

The rain and cloud have brought some relief but I haven't felt great. I am going to have an early night, which tells you that I am not great, because early night seems the only way out of this fog, but it means I may wake during the night, which doesn't help.

Tomorrow I hope to work almost as normal.

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday was one of those awkward days.

I went to do my work as normal. I had the property managers' mansion first. But they were out and someone had bolted the back gate from the inside. And no one was home. I had blitzed the front gardens last week, so it was the back gardens this week. I couldn't do the back gardens, so I did the side garden for an hour, as that was all there was, and then I had to find something else to do. I am still poor, and having got Max's repairs and MOT, I needed money for the rent.

So I went to do the care home, but there was no parking there or anywhere nearby. So I couldn't. I sat in the hot hot sun and tried to work out what to do.

I decided to go to where my dentist is, even though there was too much time. I was going to go in the library or museum while I waited.
Well the library and museum were both closed.

I went to the churchyard where I used to sleep when I was a rough sleeper. I thought it would be less spooky in daylight, but it was still pretty spooky. I remembered throwing up there, and I did spit some blood this time too.

I still had too much time and I had thought I had packed toothbrush and paste as well as a flannel and towel. I don't suppose you peeps know  about being a gardener in the summer, it is best to have a wash down before the poor dentist has to see you, or smell you. But my toothpaste and brush and things didn't seem to be in my bag, and as I still had ages, I decided to nip home. It would have been nip, if it wasn't grockle season already and about 20mph was about the average for the way home.

My toothpaste and brush weren't at home, they were in the small pocket of my bag.
Ha.

I went back to the dentist, having had a good wash and brush.

My dentist is very efficient, he gave me the two false teeth that I forget I have.
It was just a routine checkup and he reminded me I have two false teeth by asking if they had been OK, and they have, because I haven't noticed them.
My teeth are just as usual, nothing to think about, I need to remember to clean the bit by the back false one so it doesn't deteriorate.  I didn't need any treatment. I discussed booking a teeth clean with the hygenist, because I don't like the staining I get from being a heavy caffeine drinker, so I may do that.

Dental examinations can upset my jaw, which is bad on both joints, and that in turn can upset my head and neck, so with all the stress, this was a high risk day for pain. I didn't have the right meds with me either.

Anyway, off I went, it was now gone 3pm, but I went to do the care home in the hot sun.
I managed to park at the care home and do two hours before going to my delivery driving shift, those if you who know me know that I shouldn't do this, any of this, because it will make me ill. Nonetheless, I needed to earn the rent.
As I worked at the care home, some clouds came in and some short heavy showers fell.

Then I headed for work. Going from gardening to driving is never ideal, and normally I don't, but that is how today went. Now as you know, Max went for MOT yesterday, so I had emptied him out, and that included the satnav. I am sure you can guess the rest.
I put the tools back in yesterday morning but not the satnav as it was in my room.

I got to work, two deliveries, one from each, both seemingly on the same route, because the boss said, oh this is the one up at the harbour, and I thought I would take that on the way to the one at the port, so off I trotted, no satnav, because I knew these ones.

I got to the harbour, the place I used to work, remember? Before my back got too bad. And I was puzzled, the right close exists but not the right number, after a while I panicked and phoned the customer. Idiot boss, there is another close the same name, the other side of town, which meant I would be going nowhere near the port for the other delivery, I was too stressed. And this wrong delivery's right address was near my home. So I went back, asked if someone else could take the port, and I would take the wrong delivery to the right address and get my satnav. Now I went to the right close and still got the wrong address twice, and then the customer had no change and said she would phone and pay by card, she told me that I was shaking and that I should calm down and it was all OK. It wasn't really OK, I didn't know I was shaking but I felt like a complete idiot and failure.

Thankfully when I got back to base, with my satnav, the boss, who can be moody, found it hilarious.

I only did a few hours, I got home exhausted and in pain. To make everything worse, I have been having trouble with my calf muscles, all week the left one has been tight, then the right one as well yesterday, so I was hobbling. No sign of DVT, so presume it is just from walking.
I did the leg machine and neck machine yesterday, but I had an uncomfortable night and am in a bit of pain unsurprisingly.  I am wearing my new heated collar that is supposed to ease the ligaments and facet joints through heat, it feels like it burns them but it doesn't, and it doesn't make a huge difference.

My first client today is disabled so I start at 10am. It is another hot day, I woke to horribly bright light as I opened the blind in my sleep, I do wonder sometimes what I am doing. I was dreaming about the channel islands, vivid and clear.

There's a funny thing on my stats, Newtown, Powys. Jane Dodds, who helped to co-ordinate my destruction by the church, lives there, and yet it is a constant on the stats, why would this woman who destroyed me and arranged for Lord Carlile to destroy Bishop Bell's victim, be reading my blog? I know the stats are up at the moment, which means a church attack, but why does Dodds gloat? She knows she has done grave and abusive wrong, she's got nothing to gloat about, and eventually she will be dealt with.

Better add to that, if it is my mentions of Wales, Dodds, that's where us poor take our holidays and give your economy a microscopic boost. I am part Welsh and used to work in Wales, I have family there, although they are nuts and nothing to do with me, I didn't grow up in Wales like my cousins but I did my first and second Welsh levels as an adult. I was in Wales this time last year without bothering you, Dodds, so don't bother me, it is nothing to do with you, I love the country, but I hate the lib dem candidate for Montgomeryshire, because she helped to destroy me to cover up for the wrongdoing of nasty old men.

Regular readers, just ignore that rant, I feel very strongly about the people involved in harming me and Dodds was one of the worst and I have no idea why she and her cohort would read my blogs, but Newtown is a small place and it is unlikely to not be connected to her.

Monday

Good evening peeps,

Jersey and the tinpot church kicking off, throw them all over La Coupee and have done with it.
See you in court, boys!

Last night I had terrible nightmares, strangely enough the most scary was about a wedding, a wedding with skeletons, ghosts and ghouls, how symbolic, but I was terrified in the dream, because I was actually in the car or carriage with a skeleton bride and groom, not nice, but I woke, hot and upset, and slept again and woke in the morning into flashbacks about the Diocese of Winchester and the Police. I haven't mentioned it but this past week those same flashbacks have been intense and have been making life difficult.

Anyway, I had work to do, preperation for PIP, I had finished Max's MOT workup, so at 10.30 I set off to take him to the car's best friend.
When I got there it was funny, because although he appeared scornful of my pre-MOT check at the autocentre, he had gathered all the possible parts we might need, based on the autocentre's assessment of the car, if you remember, there was nothing too serious, no MOT failure points flagged up, just a few things that could indirectly affect the MOT, so he had got the parts, he can get them on the basis of returning them if he doesn't use them, as he is a trade customer, so he had everything ready to take with Max to the MOT and presumably fix him on the spot and put him straight back in, which was impressive.

I was almost tearful to leave Max, I never like leaving him with anyone, even his old owner, I felt alone and vulnerable as I struggled down the hill into town. I went to the library but couldn't get anything done as I waited for my PIP assessment, I was expecting Max's results to come through when I was in the PIP centre, while my phone would be off, but when I gave up on the library and decided to use my coffee voucher for a free coffee, the phone beeped, Max had passed first time.

But it was time for me to drink my coffee and go and be assessed.

I can't gloss over PIP assessments or say anything opposing what other claimants say, it is a gruelling and humiliating process and it dents you. Mine took 90 minutes and I was exhausted.
I think, seeing as there is so much evidence, especially a whole book of x-rays and assessment results, they can't exactly 'fail' me, but it is a question of how they make the award now, the amount and length of it. You know why I need the award, I suppose? To help pay for the repairs to my spine, which the NHS couldn't do even if the local NHS was anything but collapsed. If I can get the spinal treatment now, my spine can be repaired as much as possible, the bones cannot be repaired but treatment can make the broken back easier to live with, but if treatment doesn't happen, degeneration will cripple me completely.

Anyway, I survived, although I was really stressed during and after the assessment.

I didn't walk to collect Max, I don't think I could, my friends were busy working on the cliff top, no one was around to give me a lift, and because Max's costs were just about manageable, I paid the mean grumpy old bus driver for a lift up to the last stop on the hill.
There is still a walk from the stop to the unmarked roads, but it is bearable at a slow steady pace, so I crawled up there, and rounded the corner where me and Val first saw Florence and it was love at first sight,  those years ago when Val was alive and the future was bright, before the church finished killing me.
And there now in big sister Florence's place, was Max, clean, shining, and newly MOT'd, Max, M.F. Nortycar, full brother to Florence, F.P. Nortycar, by the same parents. Max, the car who raced down the cliffs with me in the storm two years ago, when the Archbishop of Canterbury and Bishop of Winchester made that massive attempt on my life.

It was baking hot, but as we drove home, there were stormclouds gathering, reminding me of that race through the storm two years ago. We got home, and the heavy rain fell. But there was no thunder or lightning, just God's tears. Tears for the moon over Jersey, for all that a life could be.

And home. I got on with my chores as usual, and then as I couldn't get the new Humans series to run on the computer, I decided to go for a drive, and I drove up to the cliffs and just drove, enjoying the smooth even action of this car that I adore, Max, the ghost of Anna, who perished in Jersey, Max is the same make and model as Anna, you see, he was compensation. God is Good. Everyone and everything we lose, comes back to us in ways that we cannot imagine, we never completely lose anyone, even if they are no longer there.
It was peaceful on the cliffs in the evening light, the sea was steel grey and it was ever so quiet as we drove.

I came home, watched a bit more DVD and now it is bed time.

Max!

Max passed his MOT at 12.15, and I am drinking coffee while I wait for my PIP assessment, coffee not a good idea, but hell, who cares?
I am not in such good shape, the walk down to town was too much for me and I am very anxious. The walk to collect Max will be the end of me.
Max's extra expenses are just oil and filter change and the snapped cable work on Saturday, I will be able to pay tomorrow and should be able to get my rent and bills paid this week as well. I may be a bit short of cash, but I think things will even out by the end of the week.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

I would have liked a lie in and a quiet day after yesterday and before tomorrow, but no rest for the wicket-keeper.

Last night's shift was not mad, it was steady, like people had already bought their BBQ and party food. And round here the Royal celebrations were muted anyway, no street parties or special events.

As I sped round my deliveries - don't take that literally if you are a copper - There was a lady broken down on the roundabout where I broke down, unbelievable, but she unfortunately had the expensive breakdown firm out, they belong the the same company that run the garage that tried to charge so much for doing Florence's head gasket, I wouldn't like to be that poor lady who broke down. I was quite lucky in a way, not that breaking down just before your MOT when you are worrying about money is lucky.

Anyway, I would have liked a lie in, but although I don't normally garden on a Sunday, I went and finished yesterday's work because I need the money and they needed the work done. I also went to visit a new client, an elderly lady who has been being ripped off by her 'gardener' a man who doesn't know about gardens and hasn't looked after the garden but has been charging her the earth.

Then I came home and got on with writing, I washed the bed linens and my work clothes as well, and hoovered my room, wiped the surfaces, did some cooking, caught up with the weekend tasks basically, until delivery driving.

The driving shift was busy, the customer were sods, we all got stressed but I had a right meltdown, thankfully everyone was OK with it as I am not the only one who does that, but I feel bad when I have meltdowns because it brings up emotions and because the church say I am mad and bad, so I feel guilty about getting stressed and upset. Tomorrow is a big day, I would be more worried if I couldn't feel stressed or emotional, because it would mean I had returned to dissociating.

Anyway, very tired, and in a bit of pain, I will sleep now and hope for the best.