Well I have been up since 4am, I was dreaming, dreaming about my family, dreamed they were with me and 'approved' of me again at last.
They were here at my friends house in my dream and they said that my friends were like family to me.
It was sad to wake up and remember that I even lost my family as a result of the diocese villifying me, branding me and sending me mad, because in the years running up to being destroyed by the diocese, I got on quite well with my family, although when Dad died, everyone fell out.
I woke at 4am and the whole weight of how I am destroyed and outcast fell on me, I know you know how I live day to day and try to have a sense of humour, but in reality, my life ended a long time ago, and I am simply waiting on death row for the diocese to finish me off, and there doesn't seem to be any alternative, any way they wont.
Their vain statements in the press about being called to help the lost, last and least is so utter ludicrous, because they are the lost, last least, they are committing fraud and using God's Name to do it, claiming to be Christians and doing such underhand, cruel, oppressive, unforgiving and Un-Christian things, while using Jesus' Name.
They have left me branded with a record and refused to take responsibility for their own wrongdoing and incompetence and deliberate maligning of me and ruination of my name, do they really think that referring me to a charity that supposedly deals with abused kids and giving them their version events is anything to do with helping me???!!!
No-one can help me until the diocese remove their branding of me and take responsibility for their own misconduct, which is conveniently omitted from all investigations.
I see a therapist, but the reality is, nothing can really undo the damage done, and the diocese have no interest in responsibility.
Referring me anywhere without my consent, referring me to a charity like the NSPCC ithout my consent, shows just how out of touch they are, and in their folly and arrogance, it is no good telling them how out of touch, archaic and Unethical they are, the Emperor's New Clothes, I guess, although people do try to tell the diocese, and they don't listen, it is easier for them not to listen.
Anyway, thanks for reading that, things hurt more when you wake at night with sad dreams that can never be true.
I slept on cushions on the floor of my friend's study, I had a sleeping bag, two blankets and my own foam pillow that I brought with me, and some cushions.
I guess it reminds me of being homeless, but also, because it is different from my home, I didn't sleep long enough, which is not good, because there is a very long day ahead.
You know what is funny, when I do a bonkers post like yesterday evening's, it gets loads of hits, I always wonder if that is the diocese or the Ould bully reading it and passing it around to say 'see, she is mad', well if you can judge me mad on the strength of that... :)
Hi there HG - been following your blog the past week and hope you are okay. I mean no disrespect by asking this but I guess to understand better, I need to ask it - why do you feel your sense of worth is linked heavily to the CoE? You come across like a really nice, caring person so I don't understand. But as I say, I don't mean any disrespect and hope you are not too offended by my question xx
ReplyDeleteHi Rosie, thank you for reading the blog and asking the question.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you understand that no matter how well I can write, I am not always sure what people mean exactly, as I am mildly autistic.
I will try to answer.
The church of england have been heavily involved in my life since I was a teenager not long after I left my cult upbringing, and have shaped my life and criticized and condemned and judged and abused me.
It is hard for me to have a sense of self or worth as they continue to be involved in negative ways in my life and against my wishes, they have got me a criminal record that will affect my life forever, and that is just a small part of it, as they continue to be involved.
Have you been reading the other blog? http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/
I hope that helps?
And could my other readers and commenters consider helping to clarify Rosie's question and my reply? Polo or Emma?
Yes I've actually came to this website from the other one, which is so intense and quite frankly rather terrifying for anyone to read much less go through. So I think you are quite brave to be where you are today. You're still so very young so I hope you will be able to start afresh one day and be happy. Also thanks for replying and I will continue following your blog quietly xx
ReplyDeleteHi Rosie, your comments are very welcome, unfortunately my efforts to start afresh keep being wrecked by the diocese, and even now I am trying to 'start afresh' in my new life off the streets, but the diocese are still a threat.
ReplyDeleteI certainly was starting afreash last year when they launched on me with police and press and wrecked everything.
It just seems to go on and on, and as you say, I can only keep trying to start afresh.
You are very welcome to follow quietly or to comment on the blog x
Hi Rosie,
ReplyDeleteI think what HG means by the Diocese wrecking attempts to start afresh is that they are trying to impose 'help' on her that she does not want and is inappropriate. For instance, the NSPCC, when HG is an adult. She is in terror of the, and sees any contact as harassment. The criminal record relates to her attempts to get the Jersey Dean to deal with her abuse complaint against a Church Warden. HG, is that a good summing up?
Sorry, I feel I must add something to my other comment to Rosie. If I am correct, HG, you feel your self worth linked to the C of E because you have only known a cult/church environment in your life and many C of E people have told you you are bad, without listening to your side of the story.
ReplyDeleteBless you Emma, that is a very helpful summary. Yes, your second comment is correct, Thank you x
ReplyDeleteThanks Emma and good to know you have supportive friends HG. Being not autistic myself someone described it as being in a foreign country and nobody understands you as both parties are speaking a differnet language. I find it a damm shame that the "church" feels more bereft about losing the 500 year association with winchester than you. I appreciate you might have displayed various emotions and got you arrested but happenes to the best of us if we have been abused and no one will listen eh? anyway. what i really want to say to you is please please know you have the strenghth within yourself to be yourself. you are a fighter and you have got up inspite of it all. no church should have any stronghold on you, even the catholic ones (i say this respectfully). i think you got a win there. a young lady taking down. 500 year association with some diocese . keep safe stay strong xx ps you are NOT bad. dont let anyone tell you os
ReplyDeletealso you are NOT bad x
ReplyDeleteHi Rosie, thank you for your comments, bless you.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to be rude, but the less we talk about police and arrest the better because I still suffer daily shock at the way I was treated.
And also, if the church had handled the matter correctly, I would never have been arrested, nor did the police handle things properly, from the brutality and detention the day they let my abuser go free to claim he had been cleared, to the so-called warning I never got, but they are also overseen by Jersey politicians who hold church positions and have been supportive of the Dean, to my detriment and also to the point of crossing professional boundaries.
I have posted an email on my other blog that you might like to read. x
Just to add about your mention of my self-worth being tied up in church, yes, it took homelessness and escape from the Diocese of Winchester and the true horror of what they have done, for me to start to learn to be me, not just have an identity in the church, but it is hard when they (especially the Jersey Deanery) broadcast their version of me in the press, and my self-esteem is so low and I have had very little voice to say 'hey, that's not who I am!', hence starting the blogs :)
ReplyDelete