Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

Well a bad day here.

No work today, just pouring rain.
I overslept and woke up with my head and shoulder hurting.

I struggled with the book. It is still not ready.

I didn't eat until early afternoon, which is stupid as it makes the pain worse.
In the end I went and sat in a cafe and read a book.

I am supposed to have a music lesson this evening but I feel awful.

Monday evening

I am scared to go ahead and publish 'Destruction' but I guess it is like the choice that Jesus had. He chose to ride up to Jerusalem and be crucified, and there isn't exactly a way out of my death at the hands of the Church.

Anyway, enough with the grim stuff. I just went to get a cup of tea and my neighbour cornered me, she wants me to go to the gym and classes with her, argh. I am supposed to be doing gym anyway but how do you explain to a normal person that you are in such poverty that you can't afford gym clothes or trainers? I can't afford normal clothes and I am a mess.
But she also gave me a box of caramel tea as a thank you for me giving her earplugs. She was sleeping badly but now she sleeps well.

I still intend to publish Destruction tonight or tomorrow.

Monday Afternoon

Good afternoon peeps,

I am a bit dizzy. Someone sent me £10 for food, (Thank you). When my blood sugar drops and then I eat a meal, my blood sugar shoots up and I get this uncomfortable state of sleepy daze. But at least I have eaten.

I went to work this morning, the weather was grey and drizzly and I did two sites on my own before ending up working with my workmate for the last one, the drizzle and rain was fog on the sea and the fog horns yelled crossly all the time.

I was only doing a half day before coming here and continuing to work on 'Destruction' which will hopefully go to publish tonight.

The stalkerstat is still acting as if my blog is astounding, I want to know why. Stalker reader, in case you don't know, someone who views the  blog very frequently is a stalkerstat, what are you looking for? You have a Linux browser and the stat says that you are in Sheffield but that it likely to be a bounce rather than genuinely Sheffield. If you are looking for articles on the church, that is on my other blog.

I am listening to a good old favourite that someone in Jersey put up when my case was being splashed all over the news in 2013. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kx_LbzasKU

Ooh, 'Goodnight Anna' Just reviewed up again nicely! Look.

'This is a difficult subject, and this excerpt isn't the kind of thing I usually read. But that's part of the pleasure of being on this site.
I have to admit that I wasn't expecting to be gripped by this, but I found I was. Anna's voice is so clear and straight that you instantly warm to her and believe everything that happens to her, as well as the way she reacts and feels about it all. And the strange characters she comes across are clear and various and utterly believable too. She paints a picture of a sort of nightmare world that exists just out of everyone else's line of sight, a world I seriously hope never to have to become used to myself. I salute Anna's pluck, and her survival through it all. She never feels sorry for herself, she stoically accepts her lot at the hands of an undescribed and unidentified set of 'destroyers', in a way that never feels unreal or made-up. 
I like the very simple language, with short sentences and chapters and simple repetition of words, with no spare, very much like the life that Anna herself is leading. I'm not sure how large a readership a story like this would attract, but I hope it does well. I imagine Ken Loach would love it.
It reminds me in a strange way of a film I much admire, called 'Dirty Pretty Things', which was about illegal immigrants in London, also somewhat surreal and finding hope and life in the most difficult and constraining of circumstances.'

Monday morning

Hey peeps,

It rained hard yesterday, starting with church and all day into the night.
So Max didn't get a wash, he got a shower instead.

I completed the final editing of 'Destruction' and will be finishing it and publishing it tonight.

The week looks rainy, and I only have a half day on the gardening team today, but at least I will be able to buy food this evening.

I will be at work in an hour, but right now I am all pyjama'd and drinking tea, how rude.

The stalkerstat is still going bonkers and ignoring my invitation to join me on twitter and actually speak to me.

Sunday

Good lunchtime peeps,

Well busy busy.

Last night was a late night with the book.
I am more than a third through the editing so it will be ready today or tomorrow.

I didn't sleep well and I woke up in the early hours and vomited for no apparent reason at all, I had to run for the bathroom suddenly. There wasn't anything to vomit as I hadn't had supper.

Anyway, I went back to bed, woke later and got sorted before going to my foster-church.

Haha, no change there, I walked in and ended up being invited to the cinema straight away.
My diary now reads: Music lesson Tuesday night, Cinema Wednesday, Writers Circle Friday. Coffee at some random time to be arranged.
No rest, social butterfly.

Yeah, Church was great. As usual. You know why I don't go often, apart from the flashbacks? Well I hate to think of the evil people who have destroyed me being in church at the same time and really believing that they are Christians and I am evil as they speak and listen to the same words. I feel revolted.

Anyway, no matter, the foster church aren't evil, they are very sociable.

Yesterday I got too lots of washing done, all my clothes, the bed linens and bathroom stuff. Unfortunately I put my white towels in with a lime green bath mat and hand towel that aren't mine, and my lovely white towels are now pale green. No matter, they were nice as white towels but green suits them alright.

I got all the housework done yesterday and 60 pages of 'Destruction', and now home from church I am doing a roast dinner and I now have another task as well as Destruction. I got home to two emails, one from the boss, with confusing instructions for tomorrow, and one with a rather frantic plea for me to finish my guest posting for a website in time for the deadline, so I am working on that guest post
 as well as 'Destruction'.

I got another review for Goodnight Anna. Interesting because someone has noticed the fault that I know I have. I can't make 3D characters because I am autistic, my characters are based on words and actions and nothing more, no characteristics. I agree with the review. The reviews are short, not full length, they are done partly on a stars rating system and partly on a brief commentary as below.

This was well written. I like the dialogue and the setting. You could have described the characters more fully and provided a description of their facial features, facial expressions, and clothing. The plot was good. Your descriptions are well done, but you could have illustrated the gestures, etc. of the characters more than you did. I have trouble with this myself. "Show don't tell." Overall though, this was an enjoyable read! 

Best of luck,

Saturday

Good afternoon peeps,

Well I woke up early this morning but was too sleepy so I ended up trapped in a place between sleep and waking, the place where terrors and sadness lurk.

Eventually I got up, but it was a slow start.

I have been trying to prepare 'Destruction' for publication, but of course it is too traumatic, so I get upset and anxious.
People online have been supportive, which is nice, but I am sitting here still not able to focus on the book, even with new ideas for additions to it. Not, of course, changing the story, but enhancing the reality of what happened. It is a bit like 'The Churchwarden' I have to close my eyes in order to write it, and that detracts from it and makes it a less full book.

Anyway, at least I got the rent paid today, the rent here is steep, but that is the price I pay for my safety and welfare, it was impossible to go on with the stress of living in slums while trying to fight for my life against the church. But anyway, the rent meant I ended up with only £2.97 left. So I took my emergency small change to coinstar and turned it into £1.79 and used my £2.79 on a packet of chicken thighs which will make a few meals. So at last, at 3.30 I had a late lunch or early supper, of chicken with the remainder of my rice. Now I have chicken with potatoes and carrots for tomorrow's lunch, and enough bread for toast tomorrow morning.
 It's hard to live like this, but I am used to it. No one here is poor like me, because this is specialist housing and they don't usually take disabled gardeners here, I just sneaked in. They don't notice all that much as I keep myself to myself.

Anyway, so I have eaten and my washing is done, including bed linen. The place needs a slight clean and tidy but apart from that all I really have to do is get this book done. I have caught up with my writing module at university, and I will be having extra tuition with the music from next week.

It is a very cold clear day, and I would like to be out and about, but life isn't about what we want, it is about what is necessary.

Friday

Good evening peeps.

I am procrastinating as I do sometimes, but don't hold it against me, some people call it leisure but I don't have the luxury of leisure, not while my life is in danger and I have suffered the serious injustice that I have suffered.

You will be pleased to know that the weather forecast improved and I went and did a good day's work, catching up my gardens as well as ensuring that there is likely to be enough money for the rent.
The rent is paid monthly here, which isn't ideal as I am not great at budgeting.

It was a cold day, but not as cold as yesterday, but with light rain or sleet falling.

It took me hours to warm up when I got home, and then I had to go out again when someone remembered to pay me, so I could buy food.

I think that is about it, I must get some written work done this weekend.

Thursday

Hey peeps,

I am all tucked up in bed.
I wish I felt comfy, but I just feel ill. I am going to sleep after Hollyoaks.

I didn't want to get up this morning, the lead weight of the Church of England is dragging me down, and presumably they intend to make the Dean's departure in February the event of my murder also, and I guess it will be a relief. The damage to me by the Diocese of Winchester is too severe.

I went to work this morning, and I got a text from my workmate, he hadn't dropped any ton bags off for me, he would have to go to the tip first.
It's hard to work in the freezing wind with no ton bags, the wind blows everything everywhere.

It was a hard day and I came home, into a hot shower and then into bed.
I was only going to stay up for Hollyoaks but Short Circuit is on, and I am trying to watch it.

I forgot to say, Sam Mezec only got 50 people at Guernsey last night. The moral of the story is, get a haircut!

I also forgot to say, 'Island Home' was reviewed again briefly today. I get so tempted to post the reviews, not sure if I am allowed to, but I could let you see this one as it is quite succinct and I agree. I had a word limit to stick to originally with Island Home, but I am free to develop it now, and use the reviews to help with that.

Here you go, second review, no bad reviews yet:

'My response - bit more detail of settings would enhance this and further polish of the dialogue. I enjoyed the straightforward chronological order and the transition from one setting and scene to another was done well.

It was a good character study - the attachment of teens to their locality and friendship circle become more important than being in the home of a parent.

In a not overly dramatic way it was a moving story, acknowledging the priorities of a young jerseyman during a family crisis.' 

This is the only advice that I can give myself too

Wednesday night

Good evening peeps,

Guernsey are snogging my blog again. That may be my fault for teasing them. No way, Guernsey! You know what I mean?
Tell Sam Mezec to get a haircut.

My arm hurts real bad, probably from using the leafblower on Monday.

Today I was supposed to be winter pruning apple trees but I was so sick with depression and flashbacks that I had to stop.
I try to live a normal life but I can't always keep it up. So I end up short of money.

Not much else to say. I hope I will be alright for tomorrow's work.

The only thing I really got done today was a load of reviews, but I need to stop doing those and focus on my other work, especially university. I feel so tired all the time and so useless, university seems pointless to me most of the time.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday I just felt urgh, and I didn't feel like doing anything, and this new stalkerstat with the linux browser kept coming onto the blog to see if I was updating, so I didn't.

I was supposed to have a study day yesterday but I didn't. I just did the housework and struggled.

It's funny, last night the flashbacks were more about my estranged family than anything else, and I dreamed about them in the night.
Well at least that is premonition to ignore, because they mean as much to me as the black bags in the rubbish bin, and that is all they will ever mean to me. I prefer adoptive family who give me loads of space, don't talk a lot, and don't abuse me or call me a liar over abuse. My birth family are a bunch of bastards.

It is foggy at the moment so I am not sure about going to work. It's a bit different from working on the team, where turning up was a good idea, my work is my own and I can probably delay it. No one is expecting me, I would just be turning up and working.

Someone has bought a whole load of my books all at once, the ones about the church of england.

That was an awful cup of tea, I hope the next one is better.

Monday night

Hey peeps,

What a day!

I was up nice and early for a shower before I defrosted Max.
Max was hard to defrost, temperatures have been down to -8, and as fast as I defrosted Max, he re-froze. But I was determined and I got him defrosted.

I set off, carefully as it was icy despite the gritters.
As I stopped in traffic, a text came up on my phone, which was on the passenger seat, and I could read it without touching the phone. It said 'The Van won't Start'.
Aha.

I continued, carefully as it was very icy and foggy, freezing fog, very low and with the trees frozen as well as the road. The traffic was stacking the other way and it was clear my way apart from idiot motorbikes overtaking their lanes.
Then up ahead there were flashing lights, hazard lights? Vision was so low, no, it was the gritter lorry having a second go at gritting.

I got to work and parked, my mate wasn't having any luck with the van and had put the battery on charge, so he was delayed.
The trainee managed to get to work despite his bus being delayed by a three-car accident. He was standing looking cold and miserable. I am the lucky one in our group because I feel the cold the least.

I gave the trainee a broom, shovel and bag, and got him doing parking bays and cigarette butts, and I went to do the litterpick. It was eerie walking alone in that thick fog, the birds were quiet and it was like walking through a dream.
The litterpick took two hours and two heavy bags of rubbish.
And by the time my workmate got the van started and got to work through the fog and mad traffic, it was teabreak!

We had a quiet and rather nice day despite the fog and cold.
The fog horns seemed silent until 10am, and the trainee said maybe they aren't allowed to make a noise before then in case they disturb the neighbours!
The most insistent fog horn was the ferry horn, it sounded like it was yelling at any madman out on a boat and in the deep water channel in this weather.

We moved shrubs, worked on borders, cut things back and did this and that. I did a lot of tidying up with the leaf blower, and by 3pm I went to get myself a cuppa, thinking we were finishing at four, and then my mate came and said we were finishing at 3.30, and I didn't mind a bit.
My adoptives randomly texted me and the world just seemed all happy and relaxed.

The drive home was careful, steady and problem free. Once home, I took a hot shower and tried to focus on anything at all, I am still struggling with a review. Not really focussed and too tired, I am off to bed in a minute.
It has been a sociable day. My adoptive brother emailed to say that his wife is recovering and is out of hospital, such good news. My neighbour kept me talking for a while, and I got a text from someone I get on well with. Hello everyone, why are you all chatting to me? Do I exist or something?

Humpf, us nortypersons are not sociable animals, but we tolerate social sometimes. People are nice, in small doses.

Here's the Church of England

Sunday Night

Good evening peeps,

I apologized to regular readers that the blog has wandered off tack, this is supposed to be a daily diary.

The blogs are statting hugely because Ashenden is shooting his mouth off again. I don't mind that, the more people who know what he is, the better.

Anyway. Today I have been busy with housework, paperwork, literary stuff, washing Max and doing his oil and water, cooking a nice roast dinner, lots of busy stuff. Yeah, I got a lot done.

It has remained bitterly cold all day, but tomorrow will start with fog, and Max is iced over, so I will have to be up early to defrost him.

Tomorrow I am working on the estate, nothing remarkable, the usual stuff, hopefully no accidental tree felling or old gents falling over this time.

Gavin Ashenden

I am getting a tremendous amount of traffic to my blog from people looking for Gavin Ashenden. This tends to happen when he is attacking people, and this is no different.

He is ranting in the Times about the Koran being used in a Cathedral.
Well a) did anyone notice, the old dears are usually asleep, and b) isn't it a good idea to educate people to stop the blind Islamophobia continuing to rise? c) Isn't Ashenden's attack on the Archbishop more to do with the secret court that he faced? d) The Archbishop should resign, because he is a cowardly corrupt lying crook, not because of the Koran.

Gavin Ashenden spends his life attacking and showing off, and, having never met me, took part in a press and media smear campaign against me, full of lies, some of which is available here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/hg-review-team/very-cuttings/paperback/product-23028126.html

Ashenden isn't in any postion to lay down the law to anyone, aside from his public attacks on me without having both sides of the story, he is a divorcee, which is against Jesus' teachings, and he has relentlessly attacked and slurred abuse victims and the mentally ill, as well as making racist and xenaphobic attacks in the press constantly.
He thinks very highly indeed of himself, and the Church don't appear to have any ability to silence his hatred and rants, even though he is a safeguarding danger.
He really needs a copy of the Bible, I don't think he can ever have seen a copy or read it.

This is Tony the Prof's blog. look at what a churchgoer in Jersey has observed about Gavin Ashenden:

http://tonymusings.blogspot.co.uk/search?q=Gavin+Ashenden

This is Bob's blog, look through this and see what Ashenden was part of:

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/

It is time that Ashenden was asked to step down, he is mean-spirited, untruthful, hateful, prejudiced, proud and boastful, he is bringing Christianity into disrepute and would be bringing the church into disrepute if they weren't already, and the church are scared to face up to him because he is chaplain to the Queen.

Bob

That was a sad dream.

I think it was triggered by me talking about my street brother, Bob, last night, and possibly a bit by the way my dad died.

I dreamed that I was somewhere and Bob Hill was there too, but he collapsed and died.

I was grief stricken, especially as I hadn't been able to get to him and help him.

Even when he died I couldn't reach him. I couldn't find him. I kept trying to find him.

Then there was a long strange process of trying to get somewhere, possibly to a funeral, but everyone was confused.

The someone started accusing Bob of hitting me and beating me up, and I was devastated and said he only hurt me emotionally, but this person wouldn't listen.
They were an electrician or something and they wouldn't listen to me and they started helping someone in a shop to move some things.

I went and found Bob's wife, Anne, and told her that Bob had never hit me and never meant to hurt me and that wherever he was, he had never in his life meant to hurt me or anyone and he was a good honest man.

Anne said she understood, and she handed me a mis-printed menu that used to make Bob laugh, and then we were in a cafe with a load of people ordering food.

That was a devastating dream, I don't understand it.

Bob tried very hard to help me but he hurt me terribly and added to the injuries of the Church of England, and that will affect me for life, but if I could turn back time and stop him from being taken ill, then I would.

Saturday evening

Good evening peeps,

My stalkerstat is after an update.

Hello stalky.
Well I went for a drive earlier, went down to the bay. Nice down there.

I picked up my post, a writer's magazine and a surprise goodybag for being being a student volunteer, how funny, I got a nice pad of paper and posh pen, and a box of peppermints.

I came home and have been working on sorting my things and my space out a bit, and writing, reviewing, networking, looking at short story contests, all the boring writing stuff.
Still, that's what weekends are for.
I have a new neighbour who introduced me to caramel tea and wants me to go to Mass with her tomorrow, oh heavens!

It has been bitterly cold again today and looks set to continue that way.

Saturday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well I had a restless night with lots of dreams.

I dreamed about disasters and earthquakes.

It's funny because I woke up at one point absolutely sure that there was an earthquake tremor here, but nothing has been recorded, so it was a dream.

In my dreams there were people in emergency shelters and there were big waves on the sea.
It was all so vivid and real.

I dreamed that people in Jersey were arguing over the earthquake, Sarah Fergusson and Montford Tadier, I hope I have spelled that right, they were arguing.

Then the last dream I had was of my cousin leaving the earthquake area to get to Leicester to sort out my grandmother's estate.
The problem with that is it is 20 years since my grandmother died.

I woke up feeling strangely relaxed despite the dreams.

It is a cold day again with a hard frost.

I don't know what to do, I should study and write but it is hard to focus.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

Well today wasn't too bad. I did oversleep, no idea why, I keep getting trapped in an endless dream about Jersey, which can't be why I overslept.

But anyway, I managed to wash, dress, scuttle out and defrost Max and get to work.

I wasn't looking forward to work, the weather is freezing cold, especially on the seafront, where we did four hours work to start the day. I thought it was going to be a long cold hard day.

Well we started off freezing cold, but time seemed to go reasonably well, we had a break just to shelter from the cold for a while halfway through the morning before continuing. My workmate was cutting hedges and I was lifting and moving shrubs.

We had half an hour to go when I heard laughter and shouts, which could only mean that the boss had turned up, and he had.

We spent some time discussing work, and then it was time to pack up and go to the next site.

The boss was working with us now as we had a big job of hundreds of trees to plant, which had felt daunting to us, but actually we did well. A cohesive and smartly-paced job.

Then the last job of the day was a regular one, just a quick routine tidy up, and that was it, home and out of the bitter cold.

The horrible Jersey premonition is still on, it is angry, which is odd, the fat well-fed men in Jersey who destroyed me aren't angry, they are smug at destroying me and using their press to do so.

Yesterday after my assignment I went down to the bay and sat in a cafe and watched the waves so clean and crisp, rolling over onto the sand in the sunshine.

I am watching Hollyoaks and considering some norty fish and chips.

Prophecy and Premonition

Premonition is coming from Jersey, huge, nasty, and constant.

Is this it?

But I had a thought earlier.

I was prophesying the Dean's strange 'resignation' through my dreams up to some weeks before I knew about it. Here are some premonition dreams that I had and posted on the blog as part of my posts, you know how I post my dreams.

09/09/16

The third dream was just creepy, Jersey, ferries, and then the Dean. In the dream the Dean's son was missing. I can't remember if he has one of those in real life, but his son was missing. He was getting plenty of sympathy though. Looking all fat and black-cassocked and miserable. In the dream he happened to invade my bit of space by the wall and the rocks and he sat down there. I went over to him and told him I was praying about his son and I was sad about it. He started blustering but I told him this was nothing to do with what he had done to me and that I was praying. He stopped blustering and said 'They should have searched the rocks better'.

I don't like that sentence. It's a premonition, but not about the Dean's son, should he have one. I remember he had a daughter and a grandchild. Someone else will go out on the rocks in real life, and I am not threatening to do so myself. I do have a habit of dreams that actually come before something happens.

29/10/16

I didn't have such a bad night. In fact I dreamed a very comforting dream. I dreamed I was in Jersey, and instead of flying above Jersey as I usually do in dreams, I was walking in St. Helier. I was at the Royal Square and the town church. I went into the town church and wrote a cheeky message in the visitors book for someone I know in Jersey. And outside in Church house, the Deanery were having an officious meeting, as they do, and the Dean saw me and looked furious, his ugliness and obesity were magnified and I laughed at his fury and walked off to see Jersey again, fully expecting the Dean to try to send police after me.

I woke up comforted, it is the first dream about Jersey that hasn't distressed me, and normally I only fly above Jersey in my dreams. It was the early hours when I woke and I had some fruit squash and slept again.