Good morning peeps,

sorry I lapsed in my writing after Sunday, let me catch up.

On Sunday afternoon I peacefully washed my socks and undies and towel and long-sleeved top in the bucket and put them to dry as I read my book.
The afternoon went quickly and it was soon time to be back with my churchpeople for a lovely evening service, almost no flashbacks.

After the service the priest offered me 40 minutes before his next appointment, to talk about some of my worries, because I have been so very tense and worried.
His wife made me a cuppa and we sat and talked.
He says that he thinks the distress comes from me letting my defence down because I know that I am safe with them.
I think he is right, in the end, after so many years of horrifying betrayal and condemnation, I have learned that I am safe, learned to love and trust again, because this church, this priest and his secretary and people, gritted their teeth and stayed alongside me until we made a breakthrough so that I could see things differently, could see that these people are not the church of england and that I expected to be hurt and was defensive.
changed perspective means changed attitude.
The 'care' I received from people in the  church of england was never unconditional, and the people giving care always had their own problems and were projecting those onto me and taking control of my life, but in this church they walk beside me without steering and they will not put me under pressure because they know I snap easily, it will be a slow steady walk and we will see where we end up, in the meantime, they have given me some quality of life again and I love them.

...just a second we're not broken just bent
and we can learn to love again

anyway, the priest had to go for his next appointment and I was still all choked up, and I realised I had left my backpack in church, so I texted my secretary friend and she came down and got my backpack and made me another cuppa and asked how if I was any better and I told her I felt very rough.
She said we can have lunch at the shop on Wednesday and  have a natter then. She will get me more gas for the stove as well.
So that is good.
Now I am cooking with gas! haha, isn't it funny how things change, it is real luxury having a gas stove. I remember how great it was when i was with the vagabonds, doing tea on the gas so easily instead of struggling with the hexamine stove.

so I went off to bed down for the night, but had a troubled night again, tense and distressed, in and out of sleep.
after 1am I was up because I couldn't sleep, and as I wandered miserably around, I saw a gang of drunk young men leaping up on the church car park gate and bouncing on it, the gate snapped and they laughed and said 'oh it's broken' and went off laughing and larking around.
I was devastated. they hurt my church! I love my church.

I felt very sad, i did not sleep much more that night, I let the church know about the gate first thing, because the gate is heavy and if anyone tried to use it it might fall and hurt someone, so I let them know, and some church people came up anyway and we looked sadly at the gate, it is ruined and will cost a lot to replace :(
The gate had to be taken off, and that has caused much confusion.

I wandered down to the other church for tea and toast.

I had an idle day, wasn't concentrating on writing anything so  went and did some light gardening at church.

In the evening I waited to get a cuppa at church, no-one turned up to unlock, so the choir were stranded outside, and they tried really hard to recruit me :)

They got let in and I got my cuppa eventually, the priest's wife startled me with her rather colourful depiction of what jumping on the gate should have done to those lads :) I never knew she could say things like that. cool.
And when I was full of tea, I wandered off to sleep.
slept through the night! :) fairly peaceful, just a distressing dream into flashbacks first thing, my therapist will not be happy about that. He wants me to have EMDR because of things like that, but it cannot be arranged at the moment.

Anyway, I got up in the bright early morning, 6.30am, it was tempting to stay lazily in my soft blankets but not an option this morning.
I lit the stove, made tea, filled the bucket and washed my hair and then what I could wash fully clothed, brushed teeth, did mouth wash, combed hair into clips, changed socks and packed up and wandered down to the toilets to do the rest of my wash.

Checked that my money was in, it was, and came here for a cuppa.

I will see all me pals later for a cuppa and a natter, I also have haircut today, my poor hairdresser has been very ill and he looks so tired but he has said he can do my hair today.