I forgot something about yesterday.
As I was coming out of the bus station after my wash, someone said 'excuse me' but I didn't think they were talking to me, so I walked on, but they said it again and came after me.

I realised that it was John, a man who lives in a little flat and is part of the underworld because he has problems and lives in poverty. ('the underworld in my world means the homeless and the poor and ill people who are housed but are as if they are homeless due to poverty or illness).

John told me that my friend 'whatsername' was staying at his flat and that I could go and see her if I wanted to as he was off to another city to deal with family issues.

I realised he said 'excuse me' because he couldn't remember my name any more than he could remember my friend's name, we are just nameless females who wander in and out of his flat with no hanky panky and we tidy his flat for him, my friend who is at his flat is the homeless girl who has a cleaning obsession, and he doesn't know how to clean or look after his flat so her company is obviously beneficial to him, though he may be fleeing because he untidies as she tidies and makes her impatient.

He lights a cigarette and I remind him not to let the smoke get me, he obligingly moves off and walks in circles as he talks, he tells me he has just come to his senses and realises how much hurt and harm he has done while he has been ill, I think his illness is some serious mental illness, he tells me he is broken and suicidal to come to his senses and realise he has hurt people.
I tell him that whatever he did while he was ill was not his fault. But he doesn't want to believe me.

He runs off to catch his coach and I realise that I am not sure if I remember his flat number anyway, so I am not sure I will be going up there and disturbing the blissful cleaning fest by putting the kettle on!

Anyway, today I went to the college with my pal, he didn't bring the dog in case he had to leave it in the car for a while and it is a hot day.

The college is nice, it is residential and if I go there I can have hydrotherapy pool twice a week. :) that will help my legs.
I liked the college, but would be a big challenge and there are obstacles, I ended up crying my eyes out in the car park, with my pal trying to encourage me.
I haven't said no to college and they are apparently willing to offer me a residential assessment, but I feel so hopeless and useless about it.

We came back to the city, but I havenn't stopped crying, the memories and distresses being triggered are horrendous.

I went to the daycentre and ate some lunch vaguely and read my book vaguely and talked to the staff vaguely, and in half an hour I will be going to see the therapy man. Oh what fun! :( God I feel awful.