Tuesday, 10 January 2012
yesterday was a bad day, I went to the Samaritans in the evening and had a cup of tea with them, which helped. Then I went back out but I didn't want to go to soup kitchen, so I wandered back towards my bedding.
On the way I met a load of people in fancy dress dancing in the lane outside a pub. So I sat and watched them, they really annoyed a woman driver who was trying to get threw. I sat on the ground and watched, and talked to them when they finished, I ended up walking with them to the next pub and making some friends as they explained to me what they were doing and why - the reason I am so vague is as usual, to protect my location from the diocese. But anyway I made some new friends and had a glass of apple juice with them and that cheered me up and distracted me until midnight when I went to bed down.
I slept soundly through the night, I had to get up when someone came along to deliver wood chips nearby and asked if they were in the right place. This sleeping place is just too exposed and public, I can't really sleep here any more. While I was asleep I dreamed of work, hard work putting kerbs in, and having to 'prove my worth' as I always did with heavy work, showing the lads that I could lift the heavy tools and then showing them that I could actually lift kerb stones off the van!
I went to the market and used my last coins on a cup of tea. Then I went to the medical centre and I saw a nurse straight away and she couldn't help so she made me a doctor's appointment for this afternoon.
I went and had a nice long wash and change.
On the way I met a load of people in fancy dress dancing in the lane outside a pub. So I sat and watched them, they really annoyed a woman driver who was trying to get threw. I sat on the ground and watched, and talked to them when they finished, I ended up walking with them to the next pub and making some friends as they explained to me what they were doing and why - the reason I am so vague is as usual, to protect my location from the diocese. But anyway I made some new friends and had a glass of apple juice with them and that cheered me up and distracted me until midnight when I went to bed down.
I slept soundly through the night, I had to get up when someone came along to deliver wood chips nearby and asked if they were in the right place. This sleeping place is just too exposed and public, I can't really sleep here any more. While I was asleep I dreamed of work, hard work putting kerbs in, and having to 'prove my worth' as I always did with heavy work, showing the lads that I could lift the heavy tools and then showing them that I could actually lift kerb stones off the van!
I went to the market and used my last coins on a cup of tea. Then I went to the medical centre and I saw a nurse straight away and she couldn't help so she made me a doctor's appointment for this afternoon.
I went and had a nice long wash and change.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Sometimes the blog is too long, people read bits and say they have read it. That is going to make it difficult.
I just went to the charity for a cup of tea. As I walked back I noticed that the shoes hung on the telegraph wire have multiplied. My schitzophrenic pal in London would go mad if he saw that, he thinks people leave shoes for him to find.
I just went to the charity for a cup of tea. As I walked back I noticed that the shoes hung on the telegraph wire have multiplied. My schitzophrenic pal in London would go mad if he saw that, he thinks people leave shoes for him to find.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
wow, what an evening!
Well I went to the churchyard and ate some cake that I was given by the charity earlier, I brewed a manky tin of soup that I found but it turned out perfectly edible and filling.
Then I went to the doctor's appointment. I told the doctor that I didn't know what on earth he could do but that I was struggling in despair with memories and flashbacks and that I knew medicine wouldn't help much and that he was already looking for psychological help for me.
He is a good doctor because for the first time ever without pen and paper I was able to talk about the bad, from the church matters to the growing up with my family and the things that mum and dad said and done, I told him about dad's death and about the riots and the moving on and the religeon, and he understood everything I said, I told him about the church trying to make me out to be mad and I told him about the regression and abuse and cover ups and the way the church lied in court and on statements, I told him about being knocked about by the police and being imprisoned when I suffer severe claustrophobia. The doctor understood all this and I managed to say it all coherently and without breaking down.
It was five O'clock, my doctor's appointment, and I left there at twenty to six, I bet his other patients were hopping mad, but I felt a lot lighter and finally, at last, some of what makes me the mess I am is on my medical records. The only other records of all this are the mental health asessments after the diocese had me trapped and tried to say I was insane and a brief explanation to my GP in Hometown as to why I ended up homeless.
The doctor said he would push for me to get psychological asessment and that there was a lot of trauma there and that it might be helpful to re-assess my Asperger Syndrome in light of that as well, at least I think that's what he said, he said I do present some classic Asperger profile but it isn't too severe, I told him it seems to vary, I think it may vary because of the trauma. It helps when someone else calls it trauma, it validates what has happened, everything that has stayed inside me in a melting pot for so long.
Talking to the doctor has helped to calm the memories and flashbacks down again. I will see him again on Sunday for the appointment that was booked last sunday as I tend to see him every few weeks at the moment. He is a very efficient doctor, I am lucky to have such a good doctor, the Samaritan man who originally spoke to me about this surgery and this doctor was right when he recommended them.
Anyway, at 5.40pm when I left the surgery I was already 10 minutes late for the meditation and by the time I got there there was only 10 minutes left, so I sat quietly in the hall, not daring to go in. When they all finished and came out to make tea they said I could have crept in if I had wanted to. I was too unsure.
There was lovely tea and cakes, I had three cups of tea and a bit of cake and a handful of peanuts and two biscuits. They told me I would be welcome to come to a midweek service and lunch tomorrow, so I will go to that.
Earlier I got a text from my friend, she said she had washed my spare clothes, she had washed three tee-shirts, loads of socks, a pair of gloves and a blanket. I am happy with that.
Well I went to the churchyard and ate some cake that I was given by the charity earlier, I brewed a manky tin of soup that I found but it turned out perfectly edible and filling.
Then I went to the doctor's appointment. I told the doctor that I didn't know what on earth he could do but that I was struggling in despair with memories and flashbacks and that I knew medicine wouldn't help much and that he was already looking for psychological help for me.
He is a good doctor because for the first time ever without pen and paper I was able to talk about the bad, from the church matters to the growing up with my family and the things that mum and dad said and done, I told him about dad's death and about the riots and the moving on and the religeon, and he understood everything I said, I told him about the church trying to make me out to be mad and I told him about the regression and abuse and cover ups and the way the church lied in court and on statements, I told him about being knocked about by the police and being imprisoned when I suffer severe claustrophobia. The doctor understood all this and I managed to say it all coherently and without breaking down.
It was five O'clock, my doctor's appointment, and I left there at twenty to six, I bet his other patients were hopping mad, but I felt a lot lighter and finally, at last, some of what makes me the mess I am is on my medical records. The only other records of all this are the mental health asessments after the diocese had me trapped and tried to say I was insane and a brief explanation to my GP in Hometown as to why I ended up homeless.
The doctor said he would push for me to get psychological asessment and that there was a lot of trauma there and that it might be helpful to re-assess my Asperger Syndrome in light of that as well, at least I think that's what he said, he said I do present some classic Asperger profile but it isn't too severe, I told him it seems to vary, I think it may vary because of the trauma. It helps when someone else calls it trauma, it validates what has happened, everything that has stayed inside me in a melting pot for so long.
Talking to the doctor has helped to calm the memories and flashbacks down again. I will see him again on Sunday for the appointment that was booked last sunday as I tend to see him every few weeks at the moment. He is a very efficient doctor, I am lucky to have such a good doctor, the Samaritan man who originally spoke to me about this surgery and this doctor was right when he recommended them.
Anyway, at 5.40pm when I left the surgery I was already 10 minutes late for the meditation and by the time I got there there was only 10 minutes left, so I sat quietly in the hall, not daring to go in. When they all finished and came out to make tea they said I could have crept in if I had wanted to. I was too unsure.
There was lovely tea and cakes, I had three cups of tea and a bit of cake and a handful of peanuts and two biscuits. They told me I would be welcome to come to a midweek service and lunch tomorrow, so I will go to that.
Earlier I got a text from my friend, she said she had washed my spare clothes, she had washed three tee-shirts, loads of socks, a pair of gloves and a blanket. I am happy with that.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Last night I went to the samaritans for a cuppa and a chat, I was lucky enough to get two cuppas and some biscuits there. Then I collected stickers, I found enough for a cuppa and decided to save them until the morning. I gritted my teeth and went to soup kitchen, but it was alright, one of the soup servers recognized me and stopped to chat for a while, we talked about weather and bedding and clothing and London and all sorts of things, and he made sure I had provisions for the next day - two packs of sandwiches, a slice of cake, a big cookie (english biscuit not American cake).
So soup kitchen was a success.
I had trouble bedding down or even thinking about bedding down, even though I was tired, eventually I went to the alleyway but realised I had forgotten my sleeping bag and pillow. But I had plenty of blankets and the two small duvets and it was nearly midnight, so I bedded down tired and was asleep straight away.
I woke up every hour, not cold but tense, other people have been in the alley and left beer cans and the people who own the alleyway are obviously not happy with the situation and I was afraid that any minute there was going to be an invasion of one kind or the other, but there was nothing.
I got up at 6am, the night started cold but it had clouded over during the night and was damp instead, there has been rain and damp at night every night recently.
Last night I dreamed a lot, I dreamed I was in France and I dreamed I was in town in thick snow, having snowball fights with protesters and homeless people.
I stashed my bedding and took a clean teeshirt from the clothing bag and went to McD's for a cup of tea.
Then I walked around and looked for stickers, I currently have four, so I am hoping to get two more before lunch time.
So soup kitchen was a success.
I had trouble bedding down or even thinking about bedding down, even though I was tired, eventually I went to the alleyway but realised I had forgotten my sleeping bag and pillow. But I had plenty of blankets and the two small duvets and it was nearly midnight, so I bedded down tired and was asleep straight away.
I woke up every hour, not cold but tense, other people have been in the alley and left beer cans and the people who own the alleyway are obviously not happy with the situation and I was afraid that any minute there was going to be an invasion of one kind or the other, but there was nothing.
I got up at 6am, the night started cold but it had clouded over during the night and was damp instead, there has been rain and damp at night every night recently.
Last night I dreamed a lot, I dreamed I was in France and I dreamed I was in town in thick snow, having snowball fights with protesters and homeless people.
I stashed my bedding and took a clean teeshirt from the clothing bag and went to McD's for a cup of tea.
Then I walked around and looked for stickers, I currently have four, so I am hoping to get two more before lunch time.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Well as I sat at the computer earlier I was dozing off, and when I got up to go and have a break and look for tea stickers I could hardly stand or walk, even though I had taken my meds earlier, so I went and mercifully found two stickers quickly and got my tea, I took another dose of painkillers and anti-inflammatories and ate a sanwich with it.
Now I am back at the library, the tourettes man is in a good mood, he is normally swearing quietly and muttering but today he keeps yelping happily and even yelled 'hallelujah' at one point, which made everyone smile because they are used to him swearing. Once some lads told him to stop swearing and he swore even more.
Today I will go to the midweek service and the lunch afterwards and then I will go to the charity and try to deal with paperwork and documents. :-/
Now I am back at the library, the tourettes man is in a good mood, he is normally swearing quietly and muttering but today he keeps yelping happily and even yelled 'hallelujah' at one point, which made everyone smile because they are used to him swearing. Once some lads told him to stop swearing and he swore even more.
Today I will go to the midweek service and the lunch afterwards and then I will go to the charity and try to deal with paperwork and documents. :-/
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
I went to midweek worship and meditated deeply (dozed), and then there was a sumptious lunch: homemade soup, tiger bread, cheese, fruit and nuts and proper teapot tea, it was very nice. Then I collected the key for the shed where I will be keeping my bedding! :) The people said that anytime they are there and I would like a cup of tea I can call in there :)
Then I went to the charity and we had a major paperwork session and that was helpful, I also had two cups of tea and some biscuits there.
Then I went to the charity and we had a major paperwork session and that was helpful, I also had two cups of tea and some biscuits there.
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