Welcome

welcome to the new blog.

Why a new blog?

Well several reasons, the splitting of the old blog was confusing, I didn't want some information shared with people who wanted to follow the day to day blog, and I simply didn't have time to edit and define the old blog as it became too big and time consuming.

The old blog got tired as I lost heart early this summer after a crisis, and so it became intermittent.
Here is a fresh new day to day blog that will suit all readers.
The old blogs are remaining online in their old place.

I look forward to reconnecting with old readers and sharing with new readers.

I intend to re-start this blog by telling you of the last few days in the next post.
J.

3.30am, I wasn't sleeping, I was having terrors about the church, so when it started to rain I got up.
I stashed my bedding and walked into town, it was about 4am by the time I got into town, McD's was full of drunken all-night revellers but I got a bottle of orange juice and a cup of tea, and went back out into the rain rather than stay in with the revellers.

Thomas was sitting alone on the steps, smoking, he is alone in his porch now his porch mates have moved on, and the rain must be soaking the porch now.

I went down to the lockers and got my things, and sat in the shelter of the bus station to sort my things out, then I went in the toilet and had a thorough wash and took my meds and changed my underwear, socks and teeshirt.

Time is creeping on, 4.30, I walk back to McD's as the rain continues, I get a cup of tea and wait until McD's starts serving breakfast, I get a bagel with philadelphia, 5.15am and it is still dark, good, winter is coming.

I go out and walk in the dark, the rain is easing up, I walk onto the dangerous ground where the addicts prowl, I don't know why, but there is no one, just revellers heading home.

I go and sit on the tram stop and make faces at people on the trams, it is quarter to six and almost light. people and buses are increasing in number.

I get a copy of the free paper and go back to McD's to read it, it has stopped raining.
7am, the free shuttle bus is running and I shutle up and down until the library opens at 8.15am and then I sit and read.

10am, I am supposed to be doing maths and English tests today, this is not a good day to be doing tests as I have been up and out in the rain since 3.30am, but I go ahead anyway.
It is very stressful being in the learning centre, I hate it, I am trapped and crowded, my English is too high a standard for them to teach me, but it is the maths that I want anyway, my maths is not good because of learning difficulties, and that shows on the test, they want me to start maths next week, but there is no way I can cope with the learning environment.

I meet my friend for lunch, we have a jacket potato in a cafe, very nice, the weather is going to get worse so she said I could stay over with them if I could get to them after 11.15pm as they are out until then, God, this is going to be a long long day.

I spent the rest of the day in the library, and then went to the soup run.

Soup run was good, and I got talking to some of the volunteers, they invited me to walk round with the soup run, and they prayed for me as I was in pain.
There was a guy who was drunk and kept getting down on his knees and asking the volunteers to pray for him.

I ended up with FAR too much food, 10 packets of crisps!? they must think I am a bit hungry!
They were very nice to me.

Nearly 9pm and I am so tired that I am afraid that I will fall asleep somewhere, which would not be good, it is Friday night and this town is exceptionally dangerous on weekend nights.

I go and put my food in my locker, then I make my way up to McD's again, my phone is dead and I ask them if I can charge it because otherwise my friend won't know where I am when she comes to meet me at the bus stop.

I sit in McD's, charging my phone because they are kind to me, it is raining again, and the place is full of drinkers and partygoers, not long to go and I will be able to sleep again.

I charge my phone for 25 minutes, it is a cranky old phone, but now I have enough battery.
I go to the bus stop and shelter in a porch as I wait 21 minutes for a bus.
Someone tries to beg bus fare off me, but I have barely enough money for myself and they are obviously not in need.

I get the bus and make my way up to the area where my friend lives, I shelter in a doorway as the rain is torrential and wait for my friend, she comes to get me and we go home and have a cup of tea, and I fall into a deep sleep as soon as I lie down on the floor.

That was a long day.

I still don't update the blog very well.
I have been on more picnics, been to see castles, been to church.
Been staying at my friend's house, and getting as upset as usual about being indoors.

Hi, sorry I am not updating the blog as I should.
Hard to update because I am battling despair and the weather.

Had basic skills tests today, did really well in English apart from communication and comprehension of conversations - typical!
Maths was harder and I am supposed to do a maths course now.

It's so hard to write anything these days, so hard,
I feel so ill and defeated.

On Monday evening I continued my walking challenges and walked a few miles to the out of town soup kitchen, it wasn't worth the walk.
I got back to my sleeping place early and slept, my friend is staying indoors with his friend, so he is not in his porch at the moment.
Tuesday: My money is running out, I get a cuppa at McD's and get my meds from my locker, I go to the daycentre and take part in messy paint-ey art class, then I go to where my friend is picking me up, we drive to the place we are having a picnic, it is a big old manor house with parkland and deer.

We have a lovely picnic and I roll down the hill a few times -which I regret later - a combination of the nursie massaging my injury sites and the rolling triggers pain and migraines.

Anyway, after the picnic we go and have a nice cup of tea and then we go to look round the manor house which is a museum, then we have ice creams. We see the deer and I try to get some pictures on my new old camera phone.

My friends give me some money to keep me going, I never ask or expect anything.

I go back to my friends' house and we watch a movie and have supper.

Then I go to my sleeping place, bed down and sleep with just a wake up in the early hours again.
I wake in the morning feeling like I have been run over by a tram, I ache all over and am in pain, damn hill rolling, I must grow up one day! :(

I stagger down to the tram line and get the tram into town and get a cuppa at McD's, I go and sit by the church and my friend comes for communion and I go with her, after communion she offers to buy me breakfast, so we go to a cafe and I have a bacon roll and tea and she has a cappucino.

Then I go to the daycentre and make a nuisance of myself for a while. Then I go to the homeless drop in at the church. I end up chatting to the female nursie there.

Then I go back to the daycentre for lunch.
The staff warn me that the weather is going to be terrible tonight. So I text my friend and take up her offer of letting me sleep in the garage.
She says she will collect me later.

I make my way to the library and suddenly start feeling very ill, my belly hurts, I feel sick.
It is torrentially raining and I take up residence in a toilet cubicle in the library until it is time to go and meet my friend.

I think I will be ok now, feling better. I get soaked waiting for my friend. We get to her house and she starts thinking about supper while we watch a game show, and then I start being sick.

I was sick a lot, fortunately always in the toilet or a bowl. There is a bit of blood as well.
I had a bath and was sick some more and my friends ask me if I want to sleep in the front room, which seems sensible under the circumstances, I lie down and sleep on the floor in a pile of bedding, there is a window open but the house seems too hot and dry for me and I am aching and queasy and ill.
I sleep and dream, something about Woolwich, where the hell is Woolwich and why am I dreaming about it? I have funny dreams, the other night I dreamed I was holding the olympic flame but it was a candle and it melted and I asked the people around me if any of them wanted it as a souvenier.

I got up and felt dreadful again but I wasn't sick, I had a cup of tea, but I didn't want food.
My friend dropped me off in town, I had a meeting at the daycentre with safeguarding because of the bogus counsellor man, the meeting was short and sweet, he has had a slap on the wrist and the church are aware of things, that is the end of the matter. Phew.

I had another cuppa but no breakfast, and a shower, then computers, then went to see the nursie about being sick with blood, as I thought it is nothing new, just the usual.

I feel queasy, I think I need morte tea, and a 100 mile train journey.

Sorry bloggypeeps, I keep forgetting to write the blog.
I will go back to Friday and see how much I can remember.

I enrolled on a Maths course on Friday, it will be Friday again before I can do the assessment and start the course, which will get me to a decent grade GCSE equivelant.

On Friday night I went to soup kitchen but I was fed up of being pawed and pushed about by the addicts and fed up when the staff took to asking me, in front of everyone, where I was sleeping. So I got rather cross, I also got worried about how irritable and snappy I am getting, the depression is deep, and I have had too many traumatic events recently, the hospital ordeals, the bogus counsellor, the being flooded out and the attempted assaults and threats by the addicts.

I took the advice of the daycentre man and didn't try to pitch my tent as I get too distressed, I slept where I have been pitching the tent and was perfectly comfortable, but didn't sleep deeply. Waking in the early hours is becoming a habit again.

Saturday morning, I move quickly and leave nothing but a little puddle to show that I was there. I get the first bus into town and go to my locker where I go through my routine of stashing bedding, taking my meds and getting what I need for the day.
I have a wash in the toilets and go to McD's for my breakfast.
Then I spend most of the day in the library as there is no daycentre or outreach open.

In the evening I read my book until the daycentre opens for it's weekend evening outreach, I chew some supper and have a shower and read my book, but I don't enjoy being there, and there is the usual problem with drunken immigrants getting kicked out.

I get the bus to my sleeping place, I sleep undisturbed.

The first bus on Sunday morning is quite late 8.10am, and I am up by 6.15am, so I play on the playground gym equipment, doing some light exercise, and I get the cheap newspaper and read it and I play games on my phone, I am used to having to pass time.
I get the bus and go into McD's for a bagel and a coffee, it is Sunday after all. My friend is absent from early communion and I go to have a wash in the toilets.
Then it is time for church, I have been looking forward to it all week and a bit nervous that my hopes will be dashed and it will be horrible.
It is not horrible, it is lovely, I get to church and start drinking tea, an elder comes up and asks about my week, I tell him it has been a struggle, he asks more and I tell him. He says there is a food parcel for me, and he goes to get it, it is a hefty parcel. He asks if there is anything more that the church can do for me, I ask if they can pray for me, he says that after the service they will gather some people to pray for me.

Other people come to greet me and chat, a couple invite me to have lunch at their home after the service, yes! at last a Sunday afternoon not spend miserably waiting for the evening to come with nowhere to go.

The service is the usual, good. Afterwards one of my friends adds to my food parcel and arranges to collect me for lunch club picnic on Tuesday.
The elder and two others pray for the problems I have been facing with the alcoholics and addicts recently.

Then I go with the couple to their home, they have invited another lady too, and we have a good meal and lots of chatter, then I embarrassingly start dozing, the combination of tiredness, a good meal and a warm hous makes me dozy. They tell me I am welcome to doze, I end up asleep for a few hours.
When I wake up we go to the evening service and afterwards the church puts the olympics closing ceremony up on a big screen and we have coffee and nibbles and watch the ceremony and chat.

Then it is my bed time and I go to get my bedding and scoot up the hill because I have no money left for bus fare. I bed down in my old drain and no-one disturbs me as I sleep snugly, I wake vaguely in the early hours for no apparent reason and sleep again.
I get up at 6.30 and stash my bedding. There is an immigrant sleeping nearby, I pray he hasn't seen me as that would put me and my bedding in danger.

I go into town and get a cuppa, then I start an adventure that I don't want to start. The daycentre in town will close for two weeks soon, and I have to take myself to the out of town daycentre, walking, to familiarise myself with it, I have heard good things about it but I am nervous of it and the walk.

I manage to walk there, and find it easily! I am interviewed, as new clients always are, and one of the fist things the lady says is that she wants to see if there is a charity that will help with the costs of an agent to get my life story published! I am amazed!
She takes a list of things I will need, clothes, food, a spare sleeping bag, and gives that to the stores, and I line up for breakfast and a cuppa, breakfast takes a long time to arrange here, half an hour, but I get lots of tea.
I am asked if I want a hand massage, I have had this at another daycentre, it is a comforting therapeutic thing, much needed safe physical contact and soothing of tense muscles, she does my back and shoulders as well, I have a shower, change some of my clothes and get my breakfast, then I read, drink tea and have lunch, the new daycentre will be good for me, and I leave with my bundle of new things and get a bus back to town, stash things in the locker and come to the library for music and blogging and reading until this evening.

Last night was cool and clear, I woke properly at 3.50am, needing the loo, after a long time of needing the loo but being unable to wake properly.
I slept again and was reluctant to wake for the alarm at 5.15am, too depressed and too comfortable.

I knew I could be spotted if I didn't move, so eventually I did. It was 6.15am as I struggled yet again with the tent. I was nearly spotted by a dog walker.

I got to town and had some tea, I didn't have long to wait for the lbrary to open, and then the daycentre.
At the daycentre the staff talked with me about my life and future and I had breakfast, a shower and lunch.
My friend was at the other daycentre most of the morning, and he came back loaded with goodies.

I had lunch, wandered to the church, my friend was not around, but the verger made me a cuppa.

Then I went to  the lockers, swapped my morning bag (wash kit) for my afternoon bag (computer, notebook and pen) and came to the library, it is warm and cloudy outdoors.

Hello, welcome back to the blog.
After leaving my friends in Sattelite town I was deeply depressed and unsure what to do, how to go on surviving, and so the blog faltered as I wandered about unhappy and aimless.

so what happened? Well I went from Sattelite town to chavtown for a while but the homeless population in Chavtown had doubled and it was rather stressful and thin there, I learned that the outreach there were no danger to me as they had decided, with the help of a formal letter from me or not, to leave me alone.
I slept well in my porch in chavtown, and dealt with some major festivals such as the torch relay and the Lord Mayor's parade, which left town too crowded for me and further frazzled my nerves.
I then helped with a local festival on behalf of and for my friends, this reminded me of the old days when I used to help out at events, I had a lovely time and it helped me after my nerves had been further frazzled when the old emnity between me and my former friend flared. No harm except trauma came of that, I wish I knew how to be assertive, not react when I am hurt and how to conclude and walk away.


Anyway, I left chavtown after helping my friends with the festival, and I went back to Sanctuary, my old home on the coast, and said hello to my old friends. Then I travelled further afield and captured a new town, and that is where I am now, and an awful lot has happened since I got here!

I arrived here alone and depressed one evening, I made a new friend the next morning and she developed a regular habit of buying me breakfast or coffee, she is part of a church that is friendly to homeless people and offers some outreach, so I go there regularly to have a cuppa.
I was swiftly pointed in the direction of other outreaches as well, including the daycentre, and soup runs.

The daycentre have become a big source of support, I have a good breakfast and shower there each day, and I use computers there, access some medical help, get clothes, and drink tea of course.
There is also art class and books to read.

Shortly after arriving here I was sitting on the church steps, feeling very low, when a man came over and said 'you're homeless aren't you?' he was a quiet, clean, sober older man, I said I was, and he invited me over to meet his friend, another quiet, clean, sober older man, they were both rough sleepers, and they became my friends, we would meet at 5.30pm every day to have a cuppa and a chat, and also at the daycentre in the morning, and they helped me through a sad and thin time.
Then one day the first of the two men decided he wanted to return to his home town, so he went, leaving the remaining two of us bereft, but we have become very good friends indeed, completely platonic but very good friends, we help each other  through the bad days, we have a laugh, we survive together.

another friend I quickly made was another long term homeless woman who stays outside of most homeless outreach including the daycentre, doesn't get benefits but is clean, sober and very funny, she is always laughing and having fun, and I look forward to meeting her at the church for a cuppa. She lives in a tent.

Very soon after arriving here I was no longer alone, my new homeless friends, the church staff and congregation, the daycentre and outreach staff, and the congregation of another church that I chose to join means that I already know quite a few people even though I am shy and antisocial.

We have soup kitchen a few days a week, and that is good. Some outreach is closed for the summer, which is a pain, but I rarely go hungry, one person or another feeds me.
My posessions are in a big locker, but unlike the chavtown lockers, I do not get any money back. So I have to carry a bag with me and try not to access the lockers too much, otherwise I have to put more money in. But at least my things are safe and dry, and I don't have to carry too much.

Toilets in this town are scarce, so I am grateful for my radar key, and there is a toilet near the lockers, so if I time it right then I can wash and change in the morning or evening when I go to the lockers.

A man from church decided he could 'heal' me, and if you know my story you will know why this caused alarm. Anyway, i gave him a chance as he claimed to be a counsellor and I have started to feel ready for counselling, sadly it was a disaster and he tried to force me to accept that my lifestyle was wrong and he wanted to find me accommodation immediately, even though I am not ready to live indoors.
I ended the 'counselling' relationship, and that made him angry, and he made excuses for himself and blamed me for things not working, but my concerns came to the attention of the homeless health team, the daycentre and the church, and I was astonished to find that they were sympathetic to me and bending over backwards to help me, and still are.

I nearly left town at this point, I scouted out the neighbouring cities to look for a place to overwinter, but everyone surprised me again by asking me to stay.
So here I am, at the moment.

I am part of a church lunch club, and the people are kind and generous to me, it is hard to leave this town.

I was flooded out of three sleeping places recently by torrential rain, highlighting the difficulty to find a safe, dry spot to sleep, and I took the advice of many people and bought a small tent. Last night was my first night in the tent, and I was a bit scared, felt vulnerable, and had nightmares, but I got some sleep, which is what matters.
As well as a new tent I have a new sleeping bag and blanket to replace those ruined by the rain, I also have a new set of clothes and new boots, as everything was getting ragged and smelly.

Recently a drug using immigrant tried to assault me, I was carrying my bedding bag and gave him a hefty whack with it, he sat down, and I called the police, apparently there were onlky three officers on duty for the area that night, and so it took them half an hour, in which time I followed this immigrant as he staggered around and swore, and whacked him with the bag every time he turned on me. I also got photos of him on my camera phone, but by the time the police turned up, I had had to give up following and was waiting with someone who offered to wait with me after they saw some of his aggression.
The police said the man fitted the description of someone who had been reported by other women for accosting them and attempted assaults, so they went after him.

So with the flooding and that incident, I didn't sleep much for two nights, and now I am sleeping lightly and feeling stressed.

It was also recently that I went to the hospital and was given three new diagnosis to do with my internal problems, they explain why I have had some much trouble with sme things for so long. I am awaiting biopsy results that will probably be clear, and I am on double doses of meds and will be re-tested at some point.
Oh, I forgot to say I got taken to casualty with some of these probnlems a while back, got released at 3am, so another sleepless night. It was a weekend too, imagine casulty on a weekend night! :(

I am trying to work out where I am with my life and the future, and I feel very low and confused.

The library here has vending machines and loos, and is big enough for me to have space to myself.

Nothing else to tell you unless I have forgotten anything.

Hello Bloggies,

The blog ratings have dropped, is someone on holiday?

I was wide awake at a nice early time this morning, and no-one else was up, so I staggered into the kitchen and got a cuppa and plugged myself into the computer, then the others got up. I was one of the two out of four of us going to work today, and that felt good.

I had a wash and headed to work, it was cool and cloudy and I got a good day's work in and enjoyed it.
By the end of the working day my legs were very stiff and painful and I was very tired, so I headed straight back here.
There was good food and I had a cool shower and lay in the garden and read my book.

Sadly my friend is in danger of losing her job, through no fault of her own.

We watched a funny film anyway.

Here I am, doing a spot of writing.

Hi Bloggys,

I did go swimming, and enjoyed it. I managed to lose my wristband in the pool and wasn't sure what to do as it was in the deep end and I am not fit to dive yet, so I embarrasedly asked the lifeguard, and he got someone to dive and get it for me.
Anyway, I swam for an hour, it was lane swimming rather than larking about.
Then I tootled back here and wondered if I will feel like I have been in a car wreck when I wake up tomorrow, because I have not swum for years now, last time I swam was when my life was collapsing and I was in crisis and I nearly drowned because I couldn't swim because I was too ill and I was sailing and capsized the boat.

Anyway, I am going to be working tomorrow, so I hope I haven't done too much harm.
It was nice to be out in the evening as well.

Hi Bloggys,
I always feel like writing 'Hi Bloggywoggys' but I am afraid of getting highly bollocked for being non-pc.

Yesterday was a lazy day, and last night I slept without any real terrors, the distress is always in the background, but it didn't break out into full blown distress, so I slept, and I woke this morning and went to the daycentre, I got my disabled person's railcard today, and I went playing pitch and putt golf with the other homeless people, and we had fun despite the weather being hot.
Then we had lunch at the daycentre, spag bol, and I read a book, then I went shopping.
I got a swimsuit and a hat to keep the sun off and some teeshirts.

I passed by a subsidised gymn, they are offering cheap sessions, including disabled and rehab sessions, so I went in, but there was no one there to talk to me, so I took contact details and emailed them when I got back to my friends' house.

When I got back to my friends' house I lay in the garden and read a book, my friend came back from work and his noisy friend came round and the member of family who is off work was here, so we had a nice buffet tea, my other friend is working until late this evening, I did my laundry and hung it out to dry as I read my book in the garden, then a big thunderstorm came along, so I rushed my washing back indoors.

I am hoping to go swimming this evening.

Morning bloggypeeps.
I almost feel like saying what a lovely morning, even though it is sunshine and blue skies, not my best weather as I get sick in the sunshine.

:) But I slept ok, well I fell asleep at about 00.30, which is still too late for me, woke at about 01.30 needing the loo, and then slept until 08.13 precisely, with no real terrors or flashbacks, sometimes the flashbacks tried to creep in, and I drowned them out, which I can't always do.

So here it is cup of tea time.
Last night when my friends got back, they brought one of the family with them, she had suddenly been made redundant :( so she has come to live here.

Today is Sunday, skive off church day, I still have a church shaped gap in my life, I don't really feel like going to my friends' churches, though I have nothing against them.

What has been happening?
Well on Wednesday my friend came to talk to me, it helped a bit, but barely touched on the things that distress me.
I can't really remember the rest of wednesday, I was tired and I slept, I woke up at 2am on Thursday in the worst distress ever.

Eventually I slept again, and I got up in the morning to go to work at the nature reserve.
The weather was very hot. And I got too hot, I had been feeling tired and not too well to start with, so I finished at lunchtime.

I got some lunch in town and went back to my friends' house and had a cold shower, then I tried to rest, but their loud friend turned up so I went out and rode on buses and went to soup kitchen, I wonder why their friend always turns up when I have been at work and am shattered and need to rest?
Anyway, when I went back to the house I went to sleep.

I woke up in distress again.

On Friday morning I got up and went to the daycentre and collected my post, then I went into town, missed a train as usual as the bus was running so late as usual, so I went to where my friend works and told him I was in a muddle as to what to do about the whole weekend.
He advised me to go to chavtown, help with the quiz, sleep rough for once, see how I got on, maybe come back the next day and work on the nature reserve and spend the weekend back here and then go to chavtown again on monday for my walking help.

So I decided to take his advice.
I got the next train to chavtown, survived the journey, went to the library in chavtown and left my backpack in a locker and went on the computers, saw V. but he was absorbed in his computer games and didn't notice me.

I went to the bed and breakfast and got a room for tonight, no good me rough sleeping when I am in this state.
I had a shower and a snack and some tea, of course, and watched one of my favourite programmes.

Then I headed for the church where the quiz was to be. I got there and my friend wasn't there, the quizmaster met me and told me that my friend was sorting the food out, he asked if I could do the raffle ticket sales, I did and he was taking the entrance fees at first and then I did both, the sale of raffle tickets went really well and I spent most of the quiz folding the tickets and mixing them up in a tub, then I counted the money from the entrance fees and the bar and the raffle, we did well moneywise. I helped serve the food, which was delicious, and I got to sit and chat to my friends.

It was late when I staggered back to the bed and breakfast, I fell into bed and into sleep.
I woke up at 5am in very severe distress, but I went to the loo and slept again until 8.30 and woke up peaceful but very low indeed, I am in a serious patch of depression that nothing lifts.

I got up and ambled as slow as it is possible to amble, in the direction of the train station. I got a crowded train but got a space in the corridor with no wierdos, got back to sattelite town and very slowly made my way to the nature reserve, I am so tired that the sun and every step is unbearable, I tried to do some weeding, watched trains and talked to people, but no one else was trying to do any grounds work, it was too hot, so I wandered slowly back to my friends' house, everyone is out but they know I will be here. I had a cool shower and have just been watching television and computing.

Good morning bloggys,

I didn't chatter to you yesterday because I was busy and I was tired.

yesterday after all the cold and wet weather it was hot sunshine, and I was working.

I got to work and went through the usual confusion of getting through locked gates.
And I worked, and I got things done, again.
And At 1.30pm I left a work experience student finishing off the painting that will make the area I worked in perfect.
And off I staggered, exhausted, to the Benefits office, to meet with the man who deals with disabled workers.
The man had forgotten most of what we had said at the last meeting, but he remembered that I wanted to work, and he had enquired about supported employment on a farm for me, and he was waiting to hear back, and he asked how I had got on with finding volunteer work, he was impressed with what I told him and that I had been working on this hot day, he got me a drink of water, he asked what had happened about psychological help, I told him I had been referred to special needs.
And basically that was it, I see him again in a month unless he arranges some supported employment in the meantime.

I was so tired and I could hardly walk after that, so I staggered to the bus stop and home to my friends' house, I had a cold shower and tried to rest, my face was burning from the sun, I was all over hot and my skin was all swelled up and everything hurt, then their friend, the big loud one turned up and so I didn't get to rest, there is nowhere peaceful in the house when he is there, so in the end I went out and went into town and spent the evening sitting on a wall and reading a book.
I went to soup kitchen, more to see who was there than anything else. None of my gang were there.

I thought of waiting for the late night outreach and getting a sleeping bag and staying out, it was so tempting, but I was tired and stiff and not sure I was in a fit state to suddenly sleep out, I hadn't got to sleep until 2am the previous night, and my head and neck and legs were painful and I was dizzy, and I didn't want to cause my friend any concern by staying out. So eventually I went back to my friends' house.

I got back there at about 9am but I was barely awake and not very coherent or competent, so I lay down in the conservatory and slept, woke at 2am needing the loo, worried that the terrors would get me before I slept, but it didn't get too bad. I slept and woke when my friend brought me a cup of tea this morning.

And I have spent the morning sitting dozily here, not groggy just slow, I didn't need anything to help me sleep last night.
I have also cleaned all of downstairs and the kitchen and folded the laundry, and had a shower. I am a tad worried that I had upset insides without noticing again, this is bad and upsetting. I am supposed to be waiting for a friend to come over and talk with me.

I realise I have a choice of going to chavtown for the weekend or staying here and stewarding at a local festival. I used to do so much stewarding and marshalling, but I am not sure I am completely fit to do it now. My legs barely stand up to the work on the nature reserve. The man at the benefit office asked about that yesterday and I told him it was killing my legs but that I wanted to do it so never mind the legs.



Yesterday evening I had a text from the boss at the nature reserve, he was very enthusiastic about the work I had done. I am quite bowled over to have a text enthusing about my work as I am not work fit and I work slowly at the moment, and it is rare to have a boss who texts and says he is happy with your work!

I had a text this morning from my friend in chavtown, she was telling me that there is a quiz on Friday if I was thinking of coming home, hehe, I was going to go on monday for my walking help, but maybe I can make it a long weekend, I will miss working the weekend and I will miss the steam trains, but hell I can help with the quiz and see my old friends again!

Hello bloggys.

I woke up still asleep this morning and remained sleepy. I staggered into the daycentre and had lunch. The daycentre was crowded but there was chicken and rice for lunch.
I had a letter waiting for me, it had a small cheque in it.
I went home to get my passport to cash the cheque, and I stopped to clean the kitchen.
My friend got home and we had a cup of tea, then I went into town and cashed the cheque.

I went and got my friends a present and a thank you card for looking after me.

Today I have been looking online for rooms available to rent.

The gloomy weather has faded into a bit of sunshine now.

It was a quiet, no church Sunday today.
I fell out of bed at a reasonable hour and have been on the computer most of today. Writing.
I listened to hymns this morning, while one friend went on church duty and the other didn't.
We had lunch at some point and played scrabble.
watched movies.
And all I have really done is write. Which is good.
I am tired.
Night night.

Hello bloggytypepeople,

Today I woke at 5am needing the loo. I had been dreaming of my old friends in chavtown, which was ok, I went back to sleep when I had been to the loo, but the dog was scratching at the door and I was too woozy to do anything about it.

Woke again at 8.50am, the house was silent. No one was up.

I got up, woozy from the nytol and antihistamines that help me sleep. Staggered into a cup of tea and a shower and clean clothes.

Staggered out of the house feeling half dead. Went to work, expecting to help in the cafe but ended up working in the nature reserve and gardens on my own all, day, there was plenty of tea and biscuits and nice visitors and staff. 

I had another go at the model railway controls and I could have spent all day in there on the trains, it is awesome.

Outside I climbed up to the viewing platform to watch the real trains on the mainline, there were no steam trains today :( but I watched a freight driver have his tea break.

A good day's work.

Got home tired.

My friends' family who own the dog came to collect him, and stayed for hours.

I am here trying to work out how to ward off the flashbacks and fall asleep :(

This morning I went to the daycentre. Tag was there, he was going on about blood clots in his leg, he seems to have a new problem every Friday to put his life in danger, maybe he gets his giro on Thursday.

I wanted to do my washing, but the washing facilities at the daycentre were heavily in use, so I didn't.
I went into town and asked the chattery shop connected with the homeless charity if I could volunteer for them, they said that clients aren't even allowed to help in the charity shop, they told me that the other charity shop that I was interested in would be too pressurised for me, and they suggested a few other charity shops that might be suitable.

I asked my friends if I could use their washing machine, so now my washing is cooking in their machine.

I have been studying, though it causes flashbacks.

Morning bloggys,

I didn't sleep until 2.30am, not because I was cold, I think I slept alot during the day because I was ill and then I was too alert at night, and full of flashbacks.
It was a horrible night, but in the end I slept but was too hot and woke up groggy and sick.

I dreamed of the past, my friends and abusers and the village and my friend who is dead.

I am off to the daycentre for clean clothes and brekky, my friends have been too busy to shop so there is not much to eat here, and their family are still here so they have been eating things.
They all got home at half past midnight as well, which helped to keep me awake maybe, but I don't mind, they had a good time :)