I was lying in my blankets feeling depressed and was very surprised when the summerhouse lady came in and sat for a chat, she usually only says a brief hello to me occasionally.
she talked to me about my life and health and tried to persuade me not to move on! I was surprised.
It is hard to think of moving on anyway and she brought tears to my eyes with her persuasion. We had a lovely chat and I feel kind of choked up.

I had my supper here in McD's and I used tomorrow's bus fare on it, so I will be walking into town in the morning.

My deed poll arrived and I am now someone else.

Hello new blog reader.

Today has been frustrating, I had to deal with trolls invading a happy and close-knit group that I founded on the internet, they were backstabbing chat-room type trolls and they disrupted a happy close group before I booted them out and changed the settings to protect my lovely people in the group. All is well now but that took up too much time.

I also keep needing to go outside and walk around, something to do with disbelief that I am actually leaving this town.
My friend is now a verger at the church nearby so I popped in to heckle her :)

Last night I went in McD's and syphoned their wifi, then I went home to bed, I am really battling depression at the moment, especially at night, but I slept in the end, woke up groggily and a bit late, so I washed and made coffee as I was out of milk, and waited until after 9am to catch the bus as it would be too busy earlier, in town I went to have my earring checked because one ear was hurting. It is a hurty ear, it is the one that gets most infected in the summer (I am allergic to the sun), there is no infection in it apparently, I just have to wait and see if it settles down.
I had breakfast at the market, a nice cup of tea and some thick peanut butter on toast.
It is cloudy, misty and drizzly here.

It is a misty type of day, cloudy, murky, today has been about trying and failing to write, trying to deal with my friend who I fell out with, and just feeling low.
I am also thinking of the road ahead, I will be moving on in two weeks, after my next session at the walking clinic.
It feels scary to be leaving the summerhouse, and indeed leaving this town and my friends here.

But it is time.

The depression is still overwhelming, so are the bad memories, so it can be hard to be alone in the summerhouse at night, last night I accessed wifi from the summerhouse and tried not to be alone. A ladybird kept buzzing around me and trying to tell me it was a wasp, so when it climbed into my tin mug I put the tin mug out the door, which baffled me in the morning when I forgot I had put it out.

I woke early with my alarm and wandered dozily out of bed and out the kettle on, packed my bag and headed for the bus, the bus was nice and quiet and soon I was in town for tea hour at the market.
I had a wash and a wander, and here I am, the bad memories are hurting me too much.

A bit of unexpected rain has rained on the town this evening, good.

I wish the wireless had a better signal, it keeps losing it's signal.

This morning I took my little netbook to the computer man at the market, he adusted the word processing programme and reset the wifi thing, and talked, he talked about how I should have a boyfriend, this is a comment that I am sick to death of, I said no I shouldn't, he said why not? and then launched into something about how women can 'just go out and get it', oh can they? I thought it was men who did that, anyway I took the wind out of his sails because he said well why didn't I agree? and he asked if I was gay or bi, ok, thats enough computer man, I told him I belief in marriage and faithfulness and that I have no interest in relationships.
hm.  wish people would get over this thing about me needing someone, I am enough trouble to myself, never mind taking on someone else and making their life as bad as mine.
Big Issue man was also going on about me needing someone, grr.

computer is working apart from the letter n.

My heart is torn three ways
where I was
where I am
where I will be

Spring is here
overwintering is over
and the road lies ahead
where does it lead

I remember my home
but I am exiled
I owe this town my life
but my heart is out there
on the endless road

I went to my walking clinic today, that was ok, he talked about possibly taping my ankle but he didn't in the end, he adjusted the new insoles that I got, and he made today into a half-session to save me money, which is great, the new insoles are comfortable and the therapy wasn't too bad, he checked that I could do my exercises ok, and that was it.

So I have been sitting here worrying about the other blog and I have been struggling with bad memories and distressed at the way the church invalidated me, I feel invalidated, day and night, alone and with friends, and the way that silly woman spoke about my other blog and the fact that the main supporter of the other blog has gone makes it really difficult. I hoped the blog would tell my story but it barely does and I am too traumatised to properly relate my story.

Yesterday afternoon was the usual empty space, I did have enough stickers for tea, stickers are plentiful at the moment, so I had a tea and went to the samaritans, but I got the wrong samaritan again, it was an muddle.

I got there and this samaritan man, he came into the room with me but he wasn't the one who was going to talk to me, it is a small room and he kept moving around too close to me, I have no idea what he was doing or why, and he touched me twice, once on the back almost under my arm, which is too intimate and once on my shoulder. I was getting very wound up, I was I had no idea why he was in the room with me and getting too close if he wasn't going to see me, he tried to get me to sit down but I was not at all comfortable, so I left, the woman who was supposed to be seeing me was faffing around in the hall and had her back to me as I left when I got sick of this wierd man.
But I was rattled by this and went back to ask what was going on, I asked the man who was in charge and he obviously didn't want to tell me that but in the end he did and he also apologized. I didn't stay and talk because there was only him and that woman there.

I went to the shed and changed my socks and deodorised my boots because I smell terribly homeless despite having washed and everything.

Then I walked up to my friend's house, I had supper with her and her neighbour and we watched some television, then I had a bath and it was bed time, I didn't sleep very deeply at first, woke up needing the loo several times and then dreamed terror dreams about everything and woke up having the terrors.

Had boiled egg and toast for breakfast, then I gave my friend a thank you card because a certain other person recently implied I am ungrateful, that certain other person is from the other church and she and I have fallen out :(

Here I am, librarying.
Today is mild and cloudy.

I couldn't cope with church today, I tried, I went to my old church after coffee with a thank you card for my friend who helped me out the other week, she gave me two vouchers for each daycentre and a banknote in return, I talked to my other friends there about film club and the fact that Jesus still needs dusting, really badly. And also talked to my friend who I will stay with this evening.

Then I toddled thoughtfully in the direction of the other church, they told me I was welcome to come in for coffee but they had run out of milk, my bad jokes pal was there and I gave him the vouchers for the daycentre that I don't use, he was happy with that and we talked rubbish to each other and any ears that wandered close enough :) what a sociable morning.

Then I went and exchanged some of my banknote for a nice roast dinner, I really am an extrordinary homeless person, don't you agree?

My netbook is refusing to access any wifi and I can't fix it until tomorrow, so I am here in the hot library, standing up on aching legs to compute, I also have interesting books to read though :)

It is a hot summer's day in february here :)
I am having the terrors and flashbacks and hell despite the smiles.

bye bloggypeople, see you later.

I phoned an NHS centre 65 miles away, the phonecall was a struggle but they said they would check my asthma, so I happily journeyed 65 miles to check out this new town. I like it.

The centre was in a very rough ethnic minority clinic, there was just one doctor on duty and the wait was more than 2 hours, but at least I got my lungs checked.
I seem to be fairly clear, my peak flow is not very good though, but the doctor gave me a new prescription for ventolin, which is good.

So I headed back to the station, the last train was about 20 minutes wait and I had been in a crowded waiting room for more than 2 hours and I needed a hot drink, so I scuttled as fast as I could hop in the direction of McD's and got a hot chocolate and scuttled back to get the train by the skin of my teeth.
Teeth do not have skin.

Got 'home' at about 11.15pm and was glad I was in the bed and breakfast a minute away from the station.

woke up this morning feeling very relaxed but because I was indoors the terrors overwhelmed me.
showered, ate and tried to go to church but failed.

I woke once in the night needing the loo, so I got up and looed, had to hold the furniture and stagger, I cannot put weight on this ankle without boots on, normally in the summerhouse I sit on the floor and crawl about.
Then the terrors and distress started but I managed to get to sleep.
Woke with the usual neck pain, thankfully it is quite faint.

I have had a brief walk around and went to the daycentre but it is too crowded.

today is sunshine and clouds.

I just watched the bit where Mulberry died.
it is hysterical when he got up off the mortuary slab and went looking for his clothes and scared the hell out of the hospital staff! :-D

Hello bloggypeople, I am in the bed and breakfast, this is because my hair badly needed washing and I needed to sort it out, and I decided a night or two in here to wash thoroughly and sort things out would do me good.

I fell in love again recently :) hehe, well you see, there was this sitcom called mulberry that used to be on the BBC when I was about 11 and we had a television for a while, it is a brilliant and underrated series that was axed and forgotten but I have located it on Youtube (and it is hard to locate - type in mulberry S1 Ep1 and go in sequence from there), I found it when I was looking for the theme tune which I knew and liked. The storyline is about an angel called Mulberry who's father is death and who's mother is springtime, mulberry is supposed to be apprenticed to his dad and is assigned to an elderly wealthy lady as her servant, it sounds grim and gloomy but it is the most touching and tender and hilarious comedy with the sad and serious undertones, I love Mulberry I always loved him, and his waistcoats, and it is so uplifting and cheering to be watching the whole series on Youtube at the moment, it is helping me.


Here I am with a cuppa and my darling Mulberry. :)
chest pain, yes but it is very faint now, I am recovering.

It's a funny old day, I am kind of dozy. Still getting chest pains, I emailed Asthma uk and they say I need to see a doctor, they say it sounds like I need a course of steroid tablets, fair enough, but I cannot easily see a doctor, so I may have to pop over to the walk in centre in the next county.

Friday is cup of tea day, I had a cup of tea at my old church earlier and saw my friends, I checked out how to spell one of my friend's names because I wasn't sure and I owe her a thank you card for helping me out the other week. I also just had a cuppa with my art gallery friend.

Homeless lunch earlier, I had no breakfast but I wasn't hungry, I had some soup and a bit of bread, not hungry :(

There were no gossips or addicts there at all.
There was a young lad in a really bad way, he has come off drugs and is in a seriously bad mental state, his friends want to still do drugs with him and use his flat for drugs and he is saying no, so they have taken to attacking him and smashing his windows and he doesn't dare go home, he says that even if he sneaks home he has no electricity left and he doesn't want to sit there in the dark in fear of his former friends.
He slept rough last night but isn't used to it and so he got no sleep, I remember my first rough sleepings, I barely slept either, you have to learn rough sleeping, it doesn't come naturally.
The homeless lunch staff were trying hard to help him, they had been with him to the doctor but he is in a bad way and talking about killing himself and it is going to take weeks for the mental health services to see him, he is due to see shelter today but because he is housed it is difficult for the homeless services to do anything, despite the fact he is scared to go home and is sleeping rough in a terrible state that won't get better from no sleep.
The staff offered to go back to his flat with him but he said no because he couldn't buy electricity.

I spoke to one of the staff quietly and asked if I could contribute towards some electricity if they were going to his flat with him but they said it wasn't a good idea to encourage him to be dependent, which is true, handouts can do more harm than good and I tell people not to give me handouts, and I remember the tricks of the drug addicts in hometown, I also offered my spare blankets if he is going to stay outside but they hope that shelter will help him.
I feel so useless sometimes, the staff said they felt useless too, and they were really trying hard with this poor guy because he has come off drugs, which takes incredible courage and willpower and the withdrawal from drugs is leaving him in a dreadful state and then he has this extra trouble of his former mates attacking him because he is no longer in agreement with their drug taking. He is afraid to go home and his home is cold and dark and he has barely any food. He is in such a mess but how can anyone help?

Homeless people usually help each other, but here in this town that is less the case compared to the other towns where I have been, just odds and ends of fellowship, like when cheerful big issue seller was given a load of packets of sandwiches and he told me he would never be able to eat them all so he gave me some of them and as I walked along one of the beggars was there in his blanket (begging is illegal here) and I offered him sandwiches, sharing and helping each other is one profoundly good and refreshing part of being in the homeless community, it is so diferent from the high society people inviting each other to 'At Home's' whatever they are, that is affectation, homeless people sharing blankets and food and watching each other's backs is real altruistic fellowship.

wafflewafflewaffle :)

Well I didn't call an ambulance last night when the NHS direct website said I should, cos I am not stupid and that site is so flawed, they need to do a separate questionnaire for asthma attacks and not assume I am having a heart attack.
I left a message with the summerhouse lady to say I was having a bad asthma attack and would she check on me, I wrote down all my details in a notebook and put it by my blanket pile, put my asthma card and inhalers there and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning ok, didn't die in the night, so isn't it a good thing I didn't waste emergency staff time? My chest is still very tight though.

My second benefit money is in my new account today, so I went and got a little bottle of body wash and a cup of tea, big spender.

Today is homeless lunch.

It's mild, I am tired and I have chest pain.

I am going to sleep in a minute.

So what has today been about?

Well I was having an asthma attack earlier, but I walked round the doctor's surgeries as far as I could walk and none of them would accept me as a patient because I am street homeless.
So someone phoned round for me but we still couldn't get me registered.

So I have written a formal complaint to the NHS.

Apart from that I have had a quiet day, last night's freezing wind and rain turned into a very mild and sunny day today.
I managed to speak to some NHS people who offer nutritional advice, I can access that help apparently, but not a doctor's surgery!
Anyway, writing a complaint has used up most of my day. HUMPF!

I went to the daycentre and had a cuppa earlier.

Yesterday evening I went to McD's at the summerhouse end of town, but it was too crowded in there to sit in peace and compute, so I wandered off, went to the shop to get milk and they were selling milk that was best before yesterday at 11 pence and it was organic milk so I got some of that, then I went back to the summerhouse and dealt with a big buzzy wasp that insisted on crawling all over my bedding and Patrick and  didn't want it to hang around and bite me in the night so I clouted it.

It was a mild wet night, I slept almost at once and woke at 5.30 with no specific dreams but I needed the loo when I woke and I was hellish depressed as well.

I got up and went through the wash and meds and change of clothes routine, I actually like washing and dressing in the summerhouse, I feel ok being in the summerhouse, just right said goldilocks.
I had a few cups of tea and listened to the radio, this is all really normal and ok.

My ears don't seem to mind being pierced, I used to wear little earrings years ago and I do like to have just some little sign that I am female, strange as that sounds.

Anyway, I was all sorted and off to catch the 6.40am bus, which is not crowded, I had the top deck to myself. I always take my rubbish to the bus terminus and put it in the bin there, there are always teabags and toilet tissues to get rid of every morning and I leave the summerhouse tidy and my blankets neatly folded.

I got into town just before 7am and wandered into the market for breakfast, breakfast was peanut butter on toast and a cuppa.
Then I went to get a clean teeshirt from my stash in the shed.

As I wandered round the bins I met Scotty, he looked very smart and I asked why, 'Everything else is in the wash' he replied, he told me his aunt was ill and his mum was flying to Britain and he was trying to work out how to afford to go and meet her, he asked what I was doing and I told him I was on my bin round and needed one more sticker, he gave me his card of four stickers.

So here I am n McD's, blogging.

Is there anyone out there who can throw me a lifeline? Life has quality in it in some ways but I drown in despair from memories and having to give up on my family and falling out with my friend immediately afterwards