3.30am, I wasn't sleeping, I was having terrors about the church, so when it started to rain I got up.
I stashed my bedding and walked into town, it was about 4am by the time I got into town, McD's was full of drunken all-night revellers but I got a bottle of orange juice and a cup of tea, and went back out into the rain rather than stay in with the revellers.

Thomas was sitting alone on the steps, smoking, he is alone in his porch now his porch mates have moved on, and the rain must be soaking the porch now.

I went down to the lockers and got my things, and sat in the shelter of the bus station to sort my things out, then I went in the toilet and had a thorough wash and took my meds and changed my underwear, socks and teeshirt.

Time is creeping on, 4.30, I walk back to McD's as the rain continues, I get a cup of tea and wait until McD's starts serving breakfast, I get a bagel with philadelphia, 5.15am and it is still dark, good, winter is coming.

I go out and walk in the dark, the rain is easing up, I walk onto the dangerous ground where the addicts prowl, I don't know why, but there is no one, just revellers heading home.

I go and sit on the tram stop and make faces at people on the trams, it is quarter to six and almost light. people and buses are increasing in number.

I get a copy of the free paper and go back to McD's to read it, it has stopped raining.
7am, the free shuttle bus is running and I shutle up and down until the library opens at 8.15am and then I sit and read.

10am, I am supposed to be doing maths and English tests today, this is not a good day to be doing tests as I have been up and out in the rain since 3.30am, but I go ahead anyway.
It is very stressful being in the learning centre, I hate it, I am trapped and crowded, my English is too high a standard for them to teach me, but it is the maths that I want anyway, my maths is not good because of learning difficulties, and that shows on the test, they want me to start maths next week, but there is no way I can cope with the learning environment.

I meet my friend for lunch, we have a jacket potato in a cafe, very nice, the weather is going to get worse so she said I could stay over with them if I could get to them after 11.15pm as they are out until then, God, this is going to be a long long day.

I spent the rest of the day in the library, and then went to the soup run.

Soup run was good, and I got talking to some of the volunteers, they invited me to walk round with the soup run, and they prayed for me as I was in pain.
There was a guy who was drunk and kept getting down on his knees and asking the volunteers to pray for him.

I ended up with FAR too much food, 10 packets of crisps!? they must think I am a bit hungry!
They were very nice to me.

Nearly 9pm and I am so tired that I am afraid that I will fall asleep somewhere, which would not be good, it is Friday night and this town is exceptionally dangerous on weekend nights.

I go and put my food in my locker, then I make my way up to McD's again, my phone is dead and I ask them if I can charge it because otherwise my friend won't know where I am when she comes to meet me at the bus stop.

I sit in McD's, charging my phone because they are kind to me, it is raining again, and the place is full of drinkers and partygoers, not long to go and I will be able to sleep again.

I charge my phone for 25 minutes, it is a cranky old phone, but now I have enough battery.
I go to the bus stop and shelter in a porch as I wait 21 minutes for a bus.
Someone tries to beg bus fare off me, but I have barely enough money for myself and they are obviously not in need.

I get the bus and make my way up to the area where my friend lives, I shelter in a doorway as the rain is torrential and wait for my friend, she comes to get me and we go home and have a cup of tea, and I fall into a deep sleep as soon as I lie down on the floor.

That was a long day.

I still don't update the blog very well.
I have been on more picnics, been to see castles, been to church.
Been staying at my friend's house, and getting as upset as usual about being indoors.

Hi, sorry I am not updating the blog as I should.
Hard to update because I am battling despair and the weather.

Had basic skills tests today, did really well in English apart from communication and comprehension of conversations - typical!
Maths was harder and I am supposed to do a maths course now.

It's so hard to write anything these days, so hard,
I feel so ill and defeated.

On Monday evening I continued my walking challenges and walked a few miles to the out of town soup kitchen, it wasn't worth the walk.
I got back to my sleeping place early and slept, my friend is staying indoors with his friend, so he is not in his porch at the moment.
Tuesday: My money is running out, I get a cuppa at McD's and get my meds from my locker, I go to the daycentre and take part in messy paint-ey art class, then I go to where my friend is picking me up, we drive to the place we are having a picnic, it is a big old manor house with parkland and deer.

We have a lovely picnic and I roll down the hill a few times -which I regret later - a combination of the nursie massaging my injury sites and the rolling triggers pain and migraines.

Anyway, after the picnic we go and have a nice cup of tea and then we go to look round the manor house which is a museum, then we have ice creams. We see the deer and I try to get some pictures on my new old camera phone.

My friends give me some money to keep me going, I never ask or expect anything.

I go back to my friends' house and we watch a movie and have supper.

Then I go to my sleeping place, bed down and sleep with just a wake up in the early hours again.
I wake in the morning feeling like I have been run over by a tram, I ache all over and am in pain, damn hill rolling, I must grow up one day! :(

I stagger down to the tram line and get the tram into town and get a cuppa at McD's, I go and sit by the church and my friend comes for communion and I go with her, after communion she offers to buy me breakfast, so we go to a cafe and I have a bacon roll and tea and she has a cappucino.

Then I go to the daycentre and make a nuisance of myself for a while. Then I go to the homeless drop in at the church. I end up chatting to the female nursie there.

Then I go back to the daycentre for lunch.
The staff warn me that the weather is going to be terrible tonight. So I text my friend and take up her offer of letting me sleep in the garage.
She says she will collect me later.

I make my way to the library and suddenly start feeling very ill, my belly hurts, I feel sick.
It is torrentially raining and I take up residence in a toilet cubicle in the library until it is time to go and meet my friend.

I think I will be ok now, feling better. I get soaked waiting for my friend. We get to her house and she starts thinking about supper while we watch a game show, and then I start being sick.

I was sick a lot, fortunately always in the toilet or a bowl. There is a bit of blood as well.
I had a bath and was sick some more and my friends ask me if I want to sleep in the front room, which seems sensible under the circumstances, I lie down and sleep on the floor in a pile of bedding, there is a window open but the house seems too hot and dry for me and I am aching and queasy and ill.
I sleep and dream, something about Woolwich, where the hell is Woolwich and why am I dreaming about it? I have funny dreams, the other night I dreamed I was holding the olympic flame but it was a candle and it melted and I asked the people around me if any of them wanted it as a souvenier.

I got up and felt dreadful again but I wasn't sick, I had a cup of tea, but I didn't want food.
My friend dropped me off in town, I had a meeting at the daycentre with safeguarding because of the bogus counsellor man, the meeting was short and sweet, he has had a slap on the wrist and the church are aware of things, that is the end of the matter. Phew.

I had another cuppa but no breakfast, and a shower, then computers, then went to see the nursie about being sick with blood, as I thought it is nothing new, just the usual.

I feel queasy, I think I need morte tea, and a 100 mile train journey.

Sorry bloggypeeps, I keep forgetting to write the blog.
I will go back to Friday and see how much I can remember.

I enrolled on a Maths course on Friday, it will be Friday again before I can do the assessment and start the course, which will get me to a decent grade GCSE equivelant.

On Friday night I went to soup kitchen but I was fed up of being pawed and pushed about by the addicts and fed up when the staff took to asking me, in front of everyone, where I was sleeping. So I got rather cross, I also got worried about how irritable and snappy I am getting, the depression is deep, and I have had too many traumatic events recently, the hospital ordeals, the bogus counsellor, the being flooded out and the attempted assaults and threats by the addicts.

I took the advice of the daycentre man and didn't try to pitch my tent as I get too distressed, I slept where I have been pitching the tent and was perfectly comfortable, but didn't sleep deeply. Waking in the early hours is becoming a habit again.

Saturday morning, I move quickly and leave nothing but a little puddle to show that I was there. I get the first bus into town and go to my locker where I go through my routine of stashing bedding, taking my meds and getting what I need for the day.
I have a wash in the toilets and go to McD's for my breakfast.
Then I spend most of the day in the library as there is no daycentre or outreach open.

In the evening I read my book until the daycentre opens for it's weekend evening outreach, I chew some supper and have a shower and read my book, but I don't enjoy being there, and there is the usual problem with drunken immigrants getting kicked out.

I get the bus to my sleeping place, I sleep undisturbed.

The first bus on Sunday morning is quite late 8.10am, and I am up by 6.15am, so I play on the playground gym equipment, doing some light exercise, and I get the cheap newspaper and read it and I play games on my phone, I am used to having to pass time.
I get the bus and go into McD's for a bagel and a coffee, it is Sunday after all. My friend is absent from early communion and I go to have a wash in the toilets.
Then it is time for church, I have been looking forward to it all week and a bit nervous that my hopes will be dashed and it will be horrible.
It is not horrible, it is lovely, I get to church and start drinking tea, an elder comes up and asks about my week, I tell him it has been a struggle, he asks more and I tell him. He says there is a food parcel for me, and he goes to get it, it is a hefty parcel. He asks if there is anything more that the church can do for me, I ask if they can pray for me, he says that after the service they will gather some people to pray for me.

Other people come to greet me and chat, a couple invite me to have lunch at their home after the service, yes! at last a Sunday afternoon not spend miserably waiting for the evening to come with nowhere to go.

The service is the usual, good. Afterwards one of my friends adds to my food parcel and arranges to collect me for lunch club picnic on Tuesday.
The elder and two others pray for the problems I have been facing with the alcoholics and addicts recently.

Then I go with the couple to their home, they have invited another lady too, and we have a good meal and lots of chatter, then I embarrassingly start dozing, the combination of tiredness, a good meal and a warm hous makes me dozy. They tell me I am welcome to doze, I end up asleep for a few hours.
When I wake up we go to the evening service and afterwards the church puts the olympics closing ceremony up on a big screen and we have coffee and nibbles and watch the ceremony and chat.

Then it is my bed time and I go to get my bedding and scoot up the hill because I have no money left for bus fare. I bed down in my old drain and no-one disturbs me as I sleep snugly, I wake vaguely in the early hours for no apparent reason and sleep again.
I get up at 6.30 and stash my bedding. There is an immigrant sleeping nearby, I pray he hasn't seen me as that would put me and my bedding in danger.

I go into town and get a cuppa, then I start an adventure that I don't want to start. The daycentre in town will close for two weeks soon, and I have to take myself to the out of town daycentre, walking, to familiarise myself with it, I have heard good things about it but I am nervous of it and the walk.

I manage to walk there, and find it easily! I am interviewed, as new clients always are, and one of the fist things the lady says is that she wants to see if there is a charity that will help with the costs of an agent to get my life story published! I am amazed!
She takes a list of things I will need, clothes, food, a spare sleeping bag, and gives that to the stores, and I line up for breakfast and a cuppa, breakfast takes a long time to arrange here, half an hour, but I get lots of tea.
I am asked if I want a hand massage, I have had this at another daycentre, it is a comforting therapeutic thing, much needed safe physical contact and soothing of tense muscles, she does my back and shoulders as well, I have a shower, change some of my clothes and get my breakfast, then I read, drink tea and have lunch, the new daycentre will be good for me, and I leave with my bundle of new things and get a bus back to town, stash things in the locker and come to the library for music and blogging and reading until this evening.

Last night was cool and clear, I woke properly at 3.50am, needing the loo, after a long time of needing the loo but being unable to wake properly.
I slept again and was reluctant to wake for the alarm at 5.15am, too depressed and too comfortable.

I knew I could be spotted if I didn't move, so eventually I did. It was 6.15am as I struggled yet again with the tent. I was nearly spotted by a dog walker.

I got to town and had some tea, I didn't have long to wait for the lbrary to open, and then the daycentre.
At the daycentre the staff talked with me about my life and future and I had breakfast, a shower and lunch.
My friend was at the other daycentre most of the morning, and he came back loaded with goodies.

I had lunch, wandered to the church, my friend was not around, but the verger made me a cuppa.

Then I went to  the lockers, swapped my morning bag (wash kit) for my afternoon bag (computer, notebook and pen) and came to the library, it is warm and cloudy outdoors.

Hello, welcome back to the blog.
After leaving my friends in Sattelite town I was deeply depressed and unsure what to do, how to go on surviving, and so the blog faltered as I wandered about unhappy and aimless.

so what happened? Well I went from Sattelite town to chavtown for a while but the homeless population in Chavtown had doubled and it was rather stressful and thin there, I learned that the outreach there were no danger to me as they had decided, with the help of a formal letter from me or not, to leave me alone.
I slept well in my porch in chavtown, and dealt with some major festivals such as the torch relay and the Lord Mayor's parade, which left town too crowded for me and further frazzled my nerves.
I then helped with a local festival on behalf of and for my friends, this reminded me of the old days when I used to help out at events, I had a lovely time and it helped me after my nerves had been further frazzled when the old emnity between me and my former friend flared. No harm except trauma came of that, I wish I knew how to be assertive, not react when I am hurt and how to conclude and walk away.


Anyway, I left chavtown after helping my friends with the festival, and I went back to Sanctuary, my old home on the coast, and said hello to my old friends. Then I travelled further afield and captured a new town, and that is where I am now, and an awful lot has happened since I got here!

I arrived here alone and depressed one evening, I made a new friend the next morning and she developed a regular habit of buying me breakfast or coffee, she is part of a church that is friendly to homeless people and offers some outreach, so I go there regularly to have a cuppa.
I was swiftly pointed in the direction of other outreaches as well, including the daycentre, and soup runs.

The daycentre have become a big source of support, I have a good breakfast and shower there each day, and I use computers there, access some medical help, get clothes, and drink tea of course.
There is also art class and books to read.

Shortly after arriving here I was sitting on the church steps, feeling very low, when a man came over and said 'you're homeless aren't you?' he was a quiet, clean, sober older man, I said I was, and he invited me over to meet his friend, another quiet, clean, sober older man, they were both rough sleepers, and they became my friends, we would meet at 5.30pm every day to have a cuppa and a chat, and also at the daycentre in the morning, and they helped me through a sad and thin time.
Then one day the first of the two men decided he wanted to return to his home town, so he went, leaving the remaining two of us bereft, but we have become very good friends indeed, completely platonic but very good friends, we help each other  through the bad days, we have a laugh, we survive together.

another friend I quickly made was another long term homeless woman who stays outside of most homeless outreach including the daycentre, doesn't get benefits but is clean, sober and very funny, she is always laughing and having fun, and I look forward to meeting her at the church for a cuppa. She lives in a tent.

Very soon after arriving here I was no longer alone, my new homeless friends, the church staff and congregation, the daycentre and outreach staff, and the congregation of another church that I chose to join means that I already know quite a few people even though I am shy and antisocial.

We have soup kitchen a few days a week, and that is good. Some outreach is closed for the summer, which is a pain, but I rarely go hungry, one person or another feeds me.
My posessions are in a big locker, but unlike the chavtown lockers, I do not get any money back. So I have to carry a bag with me and try not to access the lockers too much, otherwise I have to put more money in. But at least my things are safe and dry, and I don't have to carry too much.

Toilets in this town are scarce, so I am grateful for my radar key, and there is a toilet near the lockers, so if I time it right then I can wash and change in the morning or evening when I go to the lockers.

A man from church decided he could 'heal' me, and if you know my story you will know why this caused alarm. Anyway, i gave him a chance as he claimed to be a counsellor and I have started to feel ready for counselling, sadly it was a disaster and he tried to force me to accept that my lifestyle was wrong and he wanted to find me accommodation immediately, even though I am not ready to live indoors.
I ended the 'counselling' relationship, and that made him angry, and he made excuses for himself and blamed me for things not working, but my concerns came to the attention of the homeless health team, the daycentre and the church, and I was astonished to find that they were sympathetic to me and bending over backwards to help me, and still are.

I nearly left town at this point, I scouted out the neighbouring cities to look for a place to overwinter, but everyone surprised me again by asking me to stay.
So here I am, at the moment.

I am part of a church lunch club, and the people are kind and generous to me, it is hard to leave this town.

I was flooded out of three sleeping places recently by torrential rain, highlighting the difficulty to find a safe, dry spot to sleep, and I took the advice of many people and bought a small tent. Last night was my first night in the tent, and I was a bit scared, felt vulnerable, and had nightmares, but I got some sleep, which is what matters.
As well as a new tent I have a new sleeping bag and blanket to replace those ruined by the rain, I also have a new set of clothes and new boots, as everything was getting ragged and smelly.

Recently a drug using immigrant tried to assault me, I was carrying my bedding bag and gave him a hefty whack with it, he sat down, and I called the police, apparently there were onlky three officers on duty for the area that night, and so it took them half an hour, in which time I followed this immigrant as he staggered around and swore, and whacked him with the bag every time he turned on me. I also got photos of him on my camera phone, but by the time the police turned up, I had had to give up following and was waiting with someone who offered to wait with me after they saw some of his aggression.
The police said the man fitted the description of someone who had been reported by other women for accosting them and attempted assaults, so they went after him.

So with the flooding and that incident, I didn't sleep much for two nights, and now I am sleeping lightly and feeling stressed.

It was also recently that I went to the hospital and was given three new diagnosis to do with my internal problems, they explain why I have had some much trouble with sme things for so long. I am awaiting biopsy results that will probably be clear, and I am on double doses of meds and will be re-tested at some point.
Oh, I forgot to say I got taken to casualty with some of these probnlems a while back, got released at 3am, so another sleepless night. It was a weekend too, imagine casulty on a weekend night! :(

I am trying to work out where I am with my life and the future, and I feel very low and confused.

The library here has vending machines and loos, and is big enough for me to have space to myself.

Nothing else to tell you unless I have forgotten anything.

Hello Bloggies,

The blog ratings have dropped, is someone on holiday?

I was wide awake at a nice early time this morning, and no-one else was up, so I staggered into the kitchen and got a cuppa and plugged myself into the computer, then the others got up. I was one of the two out of four of us going to work today, and that felt good.

I had a wash and headed to work, it was cool and cloudy and I got a good day's work in and enjoyed it.
By the end of the working day my legs were very stiff and painful and I was very tired, so I headed straight back here.
There was good food and I had a cool shower and lay in the garden and read my book.

Sadly my friend is in danger of losing her job, through no fault of her own.

We watched a funny film anyway.

Here I am, doing a spot of writing.

Hi Bloggys,

I did go swimming, and enjoyed it. I managed to lose my wristband in the pool and wasn't sure what to do as it was in the deep end and I am not fit to dive yet, so I embarrasedly asked the lifeguard, and he got someone to dive and get it for me.
Anyway, I swam for an hour, it was lane swimming rather than larking about.
Then I tootled back here and wondered if I will feel like I have been in a car wreck when I wake up tomorrow, because I have not swum for years now, last time I swam was when my life was collapsing and I was in crisis and I nearly drowned because I couldn't swim because I was too ill and I was sailing and capsized the boat.

Anyway, I am going to be working tomorrow, so I hope I haven't done too much harm.
It was nice to be out in the evening as well.

Hi Bloggys,
I always feel like writing 'Hi Bloggywoggys' but I am afraid of getting highly bollocked for being non-pc.

Yesterday was a lazy day, and last night I slept without any real terrors, the distress is always in the background, but it didn't break out into full blown distress, so I slept, and I woke this morning and went to the daycentre, I got my disabled person's railcard today, and I went playing pitch and putt golf with the other homeless people, and we had fun despite the weather being hot.
Then we had lunch at the daycentre, spag bol, and I read a book, then I went shopping.
I got a swimsuit and a hat to keep the sun off and some teeshirts.

I passed by a subsidised gymn, they are offering cheap sessions, including disabled and rehab sessions, so I went in, but there was no one there to talk to me, so I took contact details and emailed them when I got back to my friends' house.

When I got back to my friends' house I lay in the garden and read a book, my friend came back from work and his noisy friend came round and the member of family who is off work was here, so we had a nice buffet tea, my other friend is working until late this evening, I did my laundry and hung it out to dry as I read my book in the garden, then a big thunderstorm came along, so I rushed my washing back indoors.

I am hoping to go swimming this evening.

Morning bloggypeeps.
I almost feel like saying what a lovely morning, even though it is sunshine and blue skies, not my best weather as I get sick in the sunshine.

:) But I slept ok, well I fell asleep at about 00.30, which is still too late for me, woke at about 01.30 needing the loo, and then slept until 08.13 precisely, with no real terrors or flashbacks, sometimes the flashbacks tried to creep in, and I drowned them out, which I can't always do.

So here it is cup of tea time.
Last night when my friends got back, they brought one of the family with them, she had suddenly been made redundant :( so she has come to live here.

Today is Sunday, skive off church day, I still have a church shaped gap in my life, I don't really feel like going to my friends' churches, though I have nothing against them.

What has been happening?
Well on Wednesday my friend came to talk to me, it helped a bit, but barely touched on the things that distress me.
I can't really remember the rest of wednesday, I was tired and I slept, I woke up at 2am on Thursday in the worst distress ever.

Eventually I slept again, and I got up in the morning to go to work at the nature reserve.
The weather was very hot. And I got too hot, I had been feeling tired and not too well to start with, so I finished at lunchtime.

I got some lunch in town and went back to my friends' house and had a cold shower, then I tried to rest, but their loud friend turned up so I went out and rode on buses and went to soup kitchen, I wonder why their friend always turns up when I have been at work and am shattered and need to rest?
Anyway, when I went back to the house I went to sleep.

I woke up in distress again.

On Friday morning I got up and went to the daycentre and collected my post, then I went into town, missed a train as usual as the bus was running so late as usual, so I went to where my friend works and told him I was in a muddle as to what to do about the whole weekend.
He advised me to go to chavtown, help with the quiz, sleep rough for once, see how I got on, maybe come back the next day and work on the nature reserve and spend the weekend back here and then go to chavtown again on monday for my walking help.

So I decided to take his advice.
I got the next train to chavtown, survived the journey, went to the library in chavtown and left my backpack in a locker and went on the computers, saw V. but he was absorbed in his computer games and didn't notice me.

I went to the bed and breakfast and got a room for tonight, no good me rough sleeping when I am in this state.
I had a shower and a snack and some tea, of course, and watched one of my favourite programmes.

Then I headed for the church where the quiz was to be. I got there and my friend wasn't there, the quizmaster met me and told me that my friend was sorting the food out, he asked if I could do the raffle ticket sales, I did and he was taking the entrance fees at first and then I did both, the sale of raffle tickets went really well and I spent most of the quiz folding the tickets and mixing them up in a tub, then I counted the money from the entrance fees and the bar and the raffle, we did well moneywise. I helped serve the food, which was delicious, and I got to sit and chat to my friends.

It was late when I staggered back to the bed and breakfast, I fell into bed and into sleep.
I woke up at 5am in very severe distress, but I went to the loo and slept again until 8.30 and woke up peaceful but very low indeed, I am in a serious patch of depression that nothing lifts.

I got up and ambled as slow as it is possible to amble, in the direction of the train station. I got a crowded train but got a space in the corridor with no wierdos, got back to sattelite town and very slowly made my way to the nature reserve, I am so tired that the sun and every step is unbearable, I tried to do some weeding, watched trains and talked to people, but no one else was trying to do any grounds work, it was too hot, so I wandered slowly back to my friends' house, everyone is out but they know I will be here. I had a cool shower and have just been watching television and computing.

Good morning bloggys,

I didn't chatter to you yesterday because I was busy and I was tired.

yesterday after all the cold and wet weather it was hot sunshine, and I was working.

I got to work and went through the usual confusion of getting through locked gates.
And I worked, and I got things done, again.
And At 1.30pm I left a work experience student finishing off the painting that will make the area I worked in perfect.
And off I staggered, exhausted, to the Benefits office, to meet with the man who deals with disabled workers.
The man had forgotten most of what we had said at the last meeting, but he remembered that I wanted to work, and he had enquired about supported employment on a farm for me, and he was waiting to hear back, and he asked how I had got on with finding volunteer work, he was impressed with what I told him and that I had been working on this hot day, he got me a drink of water, he asked what had happened about psychological help, I told him I had been referred to special needs.
And basically that was it, I see him again in a month unless he arranges some supported employment in the meantime.

I was so tired and I could hardly walk after that, so I staggered to the bus stop and home to my friends' house, I had a cold shower and tried to rest, my face was burning from the sun, I was all over hot and my skin was all swelled up and everything hurt, then their friend, the big loud one turned up and so I didn't get to rest, there is nowhere peaceful in the house when he is there, so in the end I went out and went into town and spent the evening sitting on a wall and reading a book.
I went to soup kitchen, more to see who was there than anything else. None of my gang were there.

I thought of waiting for the late night outreach and getting a sleeping bag and staying out, it was so tempting, but I was tired and stiff and not sure I was in a fit state to suddenly sleep out, I hadn't got to sleep until 2am the previous night, and my head and neck and legs were painful and I was dizzy, and I didn't want to cause my friend any concern by staying out. So eventually I went back to my friends' house.

I got back there at about 9am but I was barely awake and not very coherent or competent, so I lay down in the conservatory and slept, woke at 2am needing the loo, worried that the terrors would get me before I slept, but it didn't get too bad. I slept and woke when my friend brought me a cup of tea this morning.

And I have spent the morning sitting dozily here, not groggy just slow, I didn't need anything to help me sleep last night.
I have also cleaned all of downstairs and the kitchen and folded the laundry, and had a shower. I am a tad worried that I had upset insides without noticing again, this is bad and upsetting. I am supposed to be waiting for a friend to come over and talk with me.

I realise I have a choice of going to chavtown for the weekend or staying here and stewarding at a local festival. I used to do so much stewarding and marshalling, but I am not sure I am completely fit to do it now. My legs barely stand up to the work on the nature reserve. The man at the benefit office asked about that yesterday and I told him it was killing my legs but that I wanted to do it so never mind the legs.



Yesterday evening I had a text from the boss at the nature reserve, he was very enthusiastic about the work I had done. I am quite bowled over to have a text enthusing about my work as I am not work fit and I work slowly at the moment, and it is rare to have a boss who texts and says he is happy with your work!

I had a text this morning from my friend in chavtown, she was telling me that there is a quiz on Friday if I was thinking of coming home, hehe, I was going to go on monday for my walking help, but maybe I can make it a long weekend, I will miss working the weekend and I will miss the steam trains, but hell I can help with the quiz and see my old friends again!

Hello bloggys.

I woke up still asleep this morning and remained sleepy. I staggered into the daycentre and had lunch. The daycentre was crowded but there was chicken and rice for lunch.
I had a letter waiting for me, it had a small cheque in it.
I went home to get my passport to cash the cheque, and I stopped to clean the kitchen.
My friend got home and we had a cup of tea, then I went into town and cashed the cheque.

I went and got my friends a present and a thank you card for looking after me.

Today I have been looking online for rooms available to rent.

The gloomy weather has faded into a bit of sunshine now.

It was a quiet, no church Sunday today.
I fell out of bed at a reasonable hour and have been on the computer most of today. Writing.
I listened to hymns this morning, while one friend went on church duty and the other didn't.
We had lunch at some point and played scrabble.
watched movies.
And all I have really done is write. Which is good.
I am tired.
Night night.

Hello bloggytypepeople,

Today I woke at 5am needing the loo. I had been dreaming of my old friends in chavtown, which was ok, I went back to sleep when I had been to the loo, but the dog was scratching at the door and I was too woozy to do anything about it.

Woke again at 8.50am, the house was silent. No one was up.

I got up, woozy from the nytol and antihistamines that help me sleep. Staggered into a cup of tea and a shower and clean clothes.

Staggered out of the house feeling half dead. Went to work, expecting to help in the cafe but ended up working in the nature reserve and gardens on my own all, day, there was plenty of tea and biscuits and nice visitors and staff. 

I had another go at the model railway controls and I could have spent all day in there on the trains, it is awesome.

Outside I climbed up to the viewing platform to watch the real trains on the mainline, there were no steam trains today :( but I watched a freight driver have his tea break.

A good day's work.

Got home tired.

My friends' family who own the dog came to collect him, and stayed for hours.

I am here trying to work out how to ward off the flashbacks and fall asleep :(

This morning I went to the daycentre. Tag was there, he was going on about blood clots in his leg, he seems to have a new problem every Friday to put his life in danger, maybe he gets his giro on Thursday.

I wanted to do my washing, but the washing facilities at the daycentre were heavily in use, so I didn't.
I went into town and asked the chattery shop connected with the homeless charity if I could volunteer for them, they said that clients aren't even allowed to help in the charity shop, they told me that the other charity shop that I was interested in would be too pressurised for me, and they suggested a few other charity shops that might be suitable.

I asked my friends if I could use their washing machine, so now my washing is cooking in their machine.

I have been studying, though it causes flashbacks.

Morning bloggys,

I didn't sleep until 2.30am, not because I was cold, I think I slept alot during the day because I was ill and then I was too alert at night, and full of flashbacks.
It was a horrible night, but in the end I slept but was too hot and woke up groggy and sick.

I dreamed of the past, my friends and abusers and the village and my friend who is dead.

I am off to the daycentre for clean clothes and brekky, my friends have been too busy to shop so there is not much to eat here, and their family are still here so they have been eating things.
They all got home at half past midnight as well, which helped to keep me awake maybe, but I don't mind, they had a good time :)

Well good evening bloggies, I have gone from not writing much to writing a lot more.

Everyone is out, so I have had a bath and had a pot of tea and took the dog for a walk to the shops, had supper, completed one of my online courses and am working on other courses.
I am tired and I feel a bit unwell and queasy, but never mind.

:)

Hello bloggys.
I went back to sleep and only woke at 16.30 when all my friends were preparing to go out for the evening.

Now I have the house to myself so I am having a tv and DVD fest, I am watching vicar of dibley and at 17.30 I will watch my parents are aliens.

I feel a lot better, except when I cough, and the whole headache is still there when I cough :(

hello bloggys, I am just doing some online courses, my headache and sickness has faded out a bit, thankfully.
My friends are at work, but their family who are here are very busy, they have tidied the house and are making plans and ironing clothes as they are taking the anniversary couple out for a special evening this evening.
I am just sitting in the corner trying to be out of the way, and computing.
I probably need to eat something, and I have only had one cup of tea so far today.

Good morning bloggypeeps.

Oh dear, I am proper poorly this time. Usually when I am ill it is something specific like a migraine triggered by the pain in my neck, or problems keeping food down because I have a wonky digestive system.
At the moment I am cold, which never happens, and I have a raging all over headache that isn't a migraine and my stomach keeps doing somersaults, I have only had tea and water and it wants to hurl those back up.

Last night I tucked down in duvet and blankets but I couldn't stop shivering, my feet wouldn't warm, and in all my rough sleeping career I never had cold feet. After a while I got back up and put an extra top and extra socks on, tried to take my temperature but the thermomenter was wonky and told me my temperature was 34.7 C, haha, anyway, I put another blanket on and eventually I slept.

I dreamed that I was ill and couldn't wake up, I dreamed my sister put some chocolate biscuits by my bed for when I woke up and I woke up at 11.30  and there were events going on, a lady was singing beautiful songs including 'when a child is born'.
I woke up thinking I had really overslept until 11.30, but it was 8.30, my friends had gone to work and their family were sleeping in, I still felt very cold and headachy, as I do now. But at least I have no work or appointments today, so I am going back to bed soon. :(

Hi Bloggypeeps,
you seem to be reading avidly, what would you like me to tell you? Sorry I am not doing my regular updates in detail at the moment.

Well, yesterday I scrambled into town late and tense and went for a volunteers interview.
(late because the stupid buses here never run on time).

I was having the screaming horrors about the interview because I didn't know how I was going to explain myself and my life, but it was ok.
I filled in forms and had a chat with a lady who went through a vast wealth of opportunities, to make a long story short, I was working half of yesterday in a nature reserve, with plenty more work where that came from. Think about that, not only am I back to my old beloved work, but it is on my terms, no pressure and I am a volunteer again! Those of you who know me and my story will know how I loved my volunteer work which I used to fit round my 'real' work, and how devastated I was about losing that part of my life.
There are plenty more opportunities of volunteering, and even my old stewarding and marshalling at events jobs, though I have to be more careful about those because of my health and state of mind. But I could almost be a full time volunteer if I wanted to.
The side effect of working again so far is pain in my legs and feet, stiffness and hobbling, hopefully it will wear off as I continue.
I almost worked today, but there weren't enough people onsite today, so I will do saturday.

Today I caught some trains and ended up some miles away, went to the daycentre in this new town, drank tea, got talking to a man who is most probably schitzophrenic and reminded me of a cross between my old 'friend' Carl and my old friend 'P'. He took me to a church that was doing homeless lunch, and there we had spam sandwiches and tea, people gathered round and talked, as they do, and then I escaped as the guy I met was a bit clingy and I was getting worried because he was obviously a lonely man, he kept on about trust and asking if he could trust me, he told me lots of girls had used him, and I do believe him, he is vulnerable and confused and hurt, but I am not fit for a relationship and neither is he, he said what M. used to say about me, that he liked me because I was one of the only girls he met who wasn't on drugs or an alcoholic.

Anyway, I had a wander around the town and looked at potential sleeping places and bedding. I like this town and I was so tempted to sleep rough here, I wanted to run away from home. But I was so tired and unsure of myself, so I texted my friend in sattelite town and explained how I was feeling, he said they would prefer me to come back or they would be concerned, I do not want them concerned, and I was so tired, so I came back, there is a full house here again, but I am glad to be back and sleep in my soft duvet in their conservatory, I feel tired and sick and shivery, my right hand keeps on and on twitching, maybe because of physio on my neck and shoulder, not sure if it is a memory of the spasms I got in the past, but basically who cares. I am tired.

It is my friends' official anniversary today, so they have nice cards, and yes I remembered.
It is cold and I feel tired, the flashbacks have been an endless stream and there have been some tears as well. :(
Ok bloggies, I need to stop the emotions and look at tucking down, I could have slept hours ago and I think I could do a marathon sleep now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEvdEBSymOI

I like this song.

I feel like I am waiting and everything has ended anyway.

Morning bloggypeeps.

Yesterday I saw V. in chavtown, he told me he had just got out of jail for hitting a policeman.
Hm.
He looked a bit high.
Whatever happened to him being a special constable and all the rest of it?
He said he was 'smashed out of his face on Vodka' at the time.
I hope it is just a phase, he is too good to be in trouble and turn bad.

Anyway.
It was a brief day in chavtown. The walking help went well. And that is all I really went for.

I did go on the computers and do part of a health diploma.
But no work.

There were thunderstorms and a rainbow.

On the way back to sattelite town the train operators decided to tip everyone off the train at a station and change the trains around. People heading for sattelite town were offered a nice fast train but with a 15 minute wait, so I had a pleasant wander and sat in this little country station which is vaguely familiar.

The fast train had a very eccentric guard, very unguardlike.

Anyway, we arrived in Sattelite town and I found I had lost my bus ticket and had no cash and very little phone credit, there are no post office cash points in this town and it was late evening, so I used my last text to text my friend, but he was at house group and didn't get the text. So a security guard lent me his phone and I phoned my other friend, who came to collect me.
The muddle shows my state of mind.

Hello Bloggypeeps.
Guess where I am?
yes, chavtown.
I had some walking help, very painful. But my walking problems are significantly better now, I was given some more exercises to do to strengthen the muscles.

I saw my old friends at the daycentre, and I had a chatter with Scotty earlier.

I don't think I will be doing any physio on my shoulder and neck for the moment, something is out of place as a result of the physio, it is painful.

I did a short Irish course last night and passed the assessment. I am certainly back into my learning, though it upsets me a lot because of the memories.

Hello bloggypeeps, how are things?

Well it has been a hectic few days.

All my friends' family have descended in the last 24 hours because of a wedding anniversary and renewal of wedding vows. I asked if I should butt out and go and sleep rough for a few days, but they wanted me to stay.

So I stayed. We all went out for a meal last night at a pub, which was all very nice. The only problem for me was that my head and neck and shoulder were hurting, and when we got home I really felt ill from that and from what I think was an allergic reaction to artificial sweetner in the pudding.

Allergic reaction includes bloating and swelling up like a whale, throwing up and diahrrea and feeling awful.  The best thing I could do was go to bed, and I knew I would sleep, and I did, I slept from 9.30pm to 7am this morning when I needed the loo. When I had been to the loo I went back to dozing.

My friends went off to church as they were reading testimonies at both services, I stayed behind with the two young ladies of the family who are both a few years younger than me, and we all got ready to go to the second service where the renewal of vows will be done.
The girls both wore tasteful dresses, and I almost wished I had a tasteful dress, but I looked ok in new jeans and my black and white top and with a smart new haircut, so off we trotted to church, and enjoyed the testimonies and renewal of vows. Lovely.
Then it was home for a Larkin style lunch :)

Well what has been happening, terrible insomnia, I think this is caused by being semi-indoors and being overwhelmed with distress and despair.
Anti-histamines are better at helping me sleep than nytol.

The psychological interview was a complete disaster, no understandable communication and great distress, so I went back to the doctor and was referred for 'special needs' psychological help, and I have a feeling that that will be easier.

Physiotherapy on my shoulder and neck was painful, and has triggered a lot of pain at the moment, I have a theraband and lots of physio exercises to do each day, so far so good.

The rainy weather has eased up a bit.

If I was ever an indoorsperson I would love saturdays like this, lazy reading, DVDs and good food.

Hello Bloggypeeps.
I went to the doctor today, got anti-histamines because it is hayfever season and I don't want it to impact on my asthma, also got a new kind of medicine for my insides as the old one was not working and I am getting terrible upsets, the doctor wanted to examine me but I freaked out.

I went to the benefits agency and had a chat with them, they are enquiring to a certain place about some part time supported employment for me, and I also took their advice and made an appointment with the volunteer office in order to see if I am in any way fit to volunteer.

Indoors peoples' idea of fun is lots of silly senseless American television with no real meaning to it, they really need to be introduced to the thrill of bin raiding and scavanging.

I pruned the gigantic rose that clambers over the front of the house, it bit me a lot but I won.
Then it rained.

:) welcome back to my returning blog readers! It has been quiet without you.

Yes I sleep almost indoors, not quite, and it is the limits of my tolerance, all this hot dry bright indoorsness, but I am trying. :) ;)

I have good kind friends. They are doing their best to help me with indoors things and 'normal life'.

We went out in the car to collect something, it was a number of miles away, it felt good to be on the move but it also felt sad, because I wished the journey was longer and and I wished I could be on the move again and I wished I could drive, and I had flashbacks, I always do in the car.
I wish someone could wave a magic wand and the hurt would go.

Good morning bloggypeeps,

Today is Sunday, sciving off church day.
My friends went out to their respective churches, and I stayed in because I am in a quiet mood where I can't do church.
I cleaned the kitchen, tidied the house, took the dog for a walk. The dog rolled in fox poo, so he is in the garden complaining miserably because I didn't let him in the house.

what did happen the other week? well, I got stressed trying to prepare myself for a special event, my old friends couldn't get here and my newer friends didn't understand how important the event was, so I was deeply stressed and barely clean and neat enough and I felt sad because of my old friends not being there and silly because I was not really smart enough, it got too crowded and claustraphobic for me and I walked out of the event.
So, I ended up upset, so did my friends.
I had left all my things at their house and because I ran away they went home, I had no way of getting home or making contact as my phone and wallet was at their house. Someone kindly gave me the bus fare home.
We worked things out.

The next day I went to church with one of my friends while the other friend was working at the other church. It was ok, and then in the afternoon we went to the house of one set of their parents, about 35 miles away, it was nice, good food and lots of it, plenty of tea, then I went for a walk while they talked, I had a walk to a park nearby, there was a small ice rink and I had a stiff and painful skate, and felt very happy about that.
Then I went back, I ended up having a good chat with my friend's mum, who is a samaritan and it did me good to talk to her.
Then we went home.
For most of the week I stayed home in the morning while they were out at work, because they were waiting for a parcel to be delivered and I waited in to sign for it.
Then the dog belonging to the other parents came to stay, and I took to walking him, and realised how scared I am of open spaces and people on open spaces, and people in town, it is not madness, it is agorophobia.
After all these years of not understanding!

My friends want me to stay here for now, sometimes the horrors of what has happened makes me want to run away, but we take each day at a time.
Being here is dragging the bad memories and flashbacks out, but that may be a sign that my closed down system is waking up a bit.
I started studying again during last week, and enquired about an OU access course as well, but the OU are notoriously awkward to people with communication problems or who have unusual circumstances, and at the moment that is a stalemate.

Anyway, considering what has happened, and what my situation is, studying and all my other attempts to better myself make me feel useless and depressed, and make me want to give up, as well as causing flashbacks, I was trying so damn hard with my education when my life was taken off me.

Anyway, I have had a taste of living in a family home, lots of good food and tea, movies, talking, dog walking, this is a real family home, not the arrogant houses of the people who have damaged and abused me and left me on the streets destroyed.
But the one thing I cannot do without extreme discomfort, is sleep in a bed in a house, I still sleep on the floor of my friends' conservatory.
And even just being in the house and sleeping in the conservatory is on the very limit of my tolerance, and the bad memories and guilt and shame and depression and distress still overwhelm me, despite having been to confession and all the rest of it and supposedly being forgiven by God, being condemned by church leaders when you are vulnerable is an unhealable wound.

The weather has remained constantly wet, with strong winds sometimes, and the temperature has dropped sharply recently, at night I hear the rain drumming on the roof as I struggle to sleep.
I am not sleeping well indoors, and I dread bedtime and the dreams and depression, but I also know I would be in real difficulties if I was out in this weather with no proper shelter day and night for all this time, it has rained for a month or so now.
I wonder if they could drain off the groundwater that is everywhere and fill the reservoirs and end the droughts in parts of the country.

Here I am, I have skipped a few days again and not even made up for the gap the other week yet.

Well, I went to the daycentre on Thursday and got told of the new opening hours, something like three hours a day, oh well. Then I went to town as usual.

Nothing really happened on Thursday.

Friday - Yesterday, I woke up depressed and distressed, checked at the daycentre for post, went to a nurse appointment, she did my inhalers and referred me for a doctor's appointment next week.

I had a surprise when a homeless man who had been aggresive and rude to me for months came over and apologised and shook hands with me, and we sat and chatted and I was reminded how much I miss my role of listening to the other homeless people.

I slept better last night, it was 10am this morning when I was woken up with a cup of tea.
Today has been quiet, the dog has had three walks and a bath, I did one walk alone and one walk with my friend and he did the other walk, so the dog is well walked, the dog also got a bath because the last walk was long and muddy.
We made a cake, a chocolate fudge brownie cake, and we had roast dinner and watched movies, domestic bliss? home? hm.

I wish I could get into writing the blog properly again.
I suppose I can try.
Yesterday in chavtown I was trying to get my work done in the library, but I was too distracted and I wandered in the direction of lunch, which is kept at the market.
I got a cuppa and went and sat on the back of a bench nearby, all of a sudden a tall dark handsome stranger pulled up on his pushbike and said hello, I didn't recognise him behind his dark glasses.
It was my friend M! He looked so clean and sober and alive, he sat and chatted to me in the cold wind and neither of us has enough layers on but we wanted to chat, and he told me about his life, he has a flat now, and he is off alcohol and is avoiding anything to do with alcohol. :)
We had a good natter and then he swept away on his bike, and I hopped down the hill to my friend's art gallery, she was out, harpman said she was at Tesco, so I started weeding the paving in front of the gallery, she was delighted when she got back, and she made me a cuppa.

When I had finished weeding and had several cuppas it was nearly time to go back to sattelite town.
It was a peaceful journey back.
Got back to sattelite town in the early evening and went to my friends' house, they had a houseful but that was ok, there was supper for me.

Unfortunately they had beens looking for advice on how to help me, which is never good, outsiders who don't know me are really no good at advising, and it unsettles me.

Anyway, eventually it was time to tuck down in the conservatory, it started raining heavily so I listened to the rain as I dozed.

I dreamed about one of my family dying and a funeral. Then I dreamed I was out on a boat on the sea, the boat gybed when it shouldn't have and it was in trouble, I asked if I had made it gybe by not doing the main sheet properly, but I was told it wasn't my fault, but my sister was on the boat and she was knocked unconscious somehow, and the boat was filling up with water, so it was really getting scary as I tried to revive my sister and Mike the skipper tried to right the boat.

I was glad to wake up.

I am not sure why the statistics go up sometimes.
Anyway, I am in chavtown, I arrived here on Monday for some gruelling physical therapy to help me walk.
And I have stayed here, the problem is that I have been in the bed and breakfast and that makes me physically ill and causes flashbacks.
I have seen all the usual people and some people who I dont remember, who greeted me as if they remembered me, :) how odd.

I am on my way back to sattelite town later.
I fell over earlier, I was wearing my backpack, and I looked like an upside down turtle. :)

new readers? hm, I will update the blog, I promise, it has now been over a week since I made a proper entry.
also, I wonder why my stats go up every time I come to Chavtown?

what is home like
to a broken heart
who long since stopped believing
in home

what is home like
to someone who came in
from years in the cold
and doesn't know home

what is home like
well it is like this
disbelief
disbelief in a home

how can you believe
in real love and trust
when you have been out there all that time
how can you believe in home

can you imagine real food
the kind you only get in houses
family houses
in a home

can you imagine all the time
that has to be filled
with nice things
family things in a home

in a home there is more time
than when you are out there
scavanging for food
more gentle empty time in a home

Can you imagine playiong games
and studying
as if this was normal
it is normal in a home

Imagine someone bringing you a cuppa
caring about you
not making you feel small
never saying out loud that this is home

can you imagine being distracted
from the trauma and heartache
that left you on the streets
can you imagine coming home

Imagine lying warm and safe in your blankets
and hear the rain falling while you stay dry
no longer on the lookout
safe in home

It is hard to imagine
and hard to believe it might last
and puzzling
suddenly the streets have gone and you are home

Home is love and tolerance so great
that it heals your soul and gives you hope
Home is comfort when the memories make you whimper
home is people and not alone any more

Home is for now because there is no tomorrow yet
for the wanderer who lived in a hedge and dined from bins
home is clean and fed, rested and peaceful
most of all, Home is love and hope and peace

Did anyone reading the blog realise I have agrophobia? cos I didn't until very recently.
I was watching one of my fellow homeless people who is diagnosed with agrophobia and he acted in a way that I stop my self from acting, and the day before yesterday I described to my friend why I cannot just walk in the open spaces by their home, and I realised the distress of walking in town is the same thing.
well at least now I know what is going on.

Hello.

I will catch up the blog, I just wanted to tell you the dream I had as I woke up this morning.

I dreamed I was back on the island, but with my family, my family was talking about going to the beach, my mum was trying to persuade some office blokes in suits to come to the beach, I said to my sister that I preferred being out on the sea, but she didn't understand (and in real life I would have been perfectly happy to go to the beach).
Anyway, the dream changed into a rainy saturday in sattelite town and I was cheered up because I knew no one would be sailing, then in my dream I was sleeping outside on the pavement and police cars and ambulances kept arriving and taking people away, I was worried that I was locked out of my friends' house and they were at work, so I tried to get in and found the door unlocked, but then I was back out in town and I knew I was asleep so I started telling myself to wake up, there were lots of little asien girls walking past and they kept staring as I tried to wake up, and I got trapped in nothingness where there was no one there and nothing, I knew I couldn't wake up and was trapped, then I thought I was dead so I shouted for my dad, and then I woke up.

Hello Bloggypeeps.

You know how I sometimes go offline for a few days if something goes wrong or if I am struggling.

Well that is what has happened.

I just decided to check in and tell you a memory that came back as I trawled the internet aimlessly, there was an article about people in Poland living in sewers.

In a town I was in last year there were immigrants living in the drains that ran under the town, I looked in the drains to see if I could live there, but I had better options.
The problem was that those drains flooded, and the immigrants must have got wet when that happened.

I will catch up with you soon.

Goodmorning Bloggypeeps,

My alarm pigeon didn't wake me up, I hadn't slept very well anyway and I tend to sleep deeper in the last few hours of the night at the moment.
I woke up at 8.15 and my friend is doing her homework as she is a teacher, teacher have too much unpaid overtime.

I am planning on going to confession this morning, in order to make the priest come out of the confession box looking 20 years older :)

It is another grey day.

I didn't go to watch football today, I am not in a fotball mood.
hardly anyone was able to plat today anyway. Tag had got his head stamped on in a fight and was sitting there moaning, there was no sign of cap, and not many others turned up.

I did have a nice long shower and some coffee.

Not a good day bloggypeeps, I am tired and sick and fractious and short of breath.

Still, I went to mass, and I have been looking for some smarter trousers for tomorrow and I got a neck chain for my talismans.

I wonder what is setting my asthma off at the moment :( I keep ending up winded.

morning bloggypeeps.
Google have messed up the layout again.

It poured with rain in the night and now it is clear.
I had trouble sleeping and then trouble waking again.

'Thump' woke me up, he forgot to yesterday.

I am sleepy

well it was raining like mad and I came back to my friends' house in dire need of a nap, I napped and we had fish and chips and watched some television and now it is bed time.

IR had cancelled my appointment, so I went for a pointless walk round town.
Here I am being pointless.

Life is pointless.

Fascinating.
In the last few days I was in chavtown and I went to get my saints medallions, several times I saw a blue flash of light.
I am not into spiritually thingies, but I looked up 'seeing flashes of blue light', and amazingly enough, the blue flash is supposed to stand for Archangel Michael, who's talisman I got on sunday, ready for my special day this Saturday.

last night, found a day ticket, caught the bus, chatted to my friends and went to sleep in their conservatory.

Couldn't sleep for ages, distressed.

Then slept, it started raining in the early hours and I slept lightly most of the time and heard the rain, dreamed I was having breakfast in McD's.

Woke up, dozed about for a while, my friends were getting ready for work, had a cuppa and came into town with one of my friends.

Went in church and nattered to Jesus, went to the doctor and got a referral for psychological assessment.
Went to McD's and used vouchers for breakfast.

Went to the daycentre and had a long hot shower and too much lunch.

It is pouring with rain, here I am typing away and waiting to see Inland revenue about my taxis :)

well that was a smoov and peaceful journey back to sattelite town.

I also managed to get something to eat and drink as I hurtled for the train, usually I am hungry and thirsty on the long journey, especially thirsty, but this time I had food, drink and sweeties, and generally I was left in peace and quiet in my corridor.

ran for the bus, started having trouble breathing, I was earlier as well. missed the bus, took my inhaler, went to soup kitchen, they had nice food parcels and hot spicy soup but no tea, roar was garbling about a book he has got for me, I got soup and food and wandered off, went to McD's where I am now and used the sticker card that gloomy gave me for a tea, here I am, it is still raining.

I have enough stickers of my own for another hot drink when I want it. I am going to catch the bus in a minute.

I went to the dentist and got antibiotics, then I went and had a cuppa with my gallery friend, I wish she wasn't so worried.
She asked if I can ever really sleep comfortably outdoors, I assured her that I can.

It is very wet cold weather.

Right, I am in my last hour in chavtown, it is back to sattelite town in an hour, that long stressful journey, hopefully no wierd men hanging around this time.

I have managed to get my paperwork and letters mainly done.

goodo.

Went to heckle my verger friend.

She gave me a pile of presents and cards for me from my church, but I am not at all in a present and card mood so I politely asked to save those for later and put them with my backpack.

Had lunch with the church and ended up talking to my old friends from Boxing day, who I hadn't recognized at first, I really need to stop being so wary of people, I nearly tried to escape before they talked to me.

It is pouring with rain and I am dragging myself to the dentist shortly.

I made contact with an agency who may be able to help me, several in fact.

I went to the post office, as I walked past gloomy he muttered something about having something for me, it was a McD's card full of stickers, kind of him :)

Then I went to watch Cheerful's pitch while he went to the loo, and had a quick chat with him.

I went to the PO to find out about a form and to get some cash, then I went to the earring shop to talk about earrings, I really want some new ones, some little crosses maybe, but I couldn't find any to suit me.

It is raining as usual, cold and wet, thank You God!

I dreamed about being repeatedly attacked and bitten by snakes.

Then I woke up at 4am because I could hear a very noisy rat running around.

I felt very low, so I went on the internet and then fell asleep again.

slept again and dreamed I was working nightshifts in a well know hardware store and I was trying to find myself something to eat at breaktime - I have no idea where such dreams come from, sometimes I think they are someone else's life and dreams.

woke up late and very depressed.

Here I am in bed at the bed and breakfast, gloomily doing my paperwork, I hate paperwork.

Today has been cold sunshine and severe downpours.

Tomorrow evening I head back to sattelite town.

:( gloomy me :(

Oh well, I have got a new backpack, sorted my life into it, had a haircut, showered the hair cuttings away, done all my things and sorted life out. :)

I just went to have a cuppa with my friend at the gallery, she is gloomily considering closing down as she is struggling with the running costs :(

Too much shopping, too many sweets, not enough solid food, migraine triggers :/

I am seeing my sweet dentist tomorrow because this wisdom tooth site is troubling me.

must brush teef first.

Good morning bloggypeeps,
I am just daydreaming at the computer and being serenaded by Donovan.

Yesterday I didn't get my usual room as I didn't have quite enough money, so I got a little attic room, which was ok, nice views from the skylight and also the lovely sound of wind and rain on the roof.

I didn't sleep very well or deeply, I dozed, felt very depressed in the waking patches of the doze, and fell into a deeper sleep towards morning and overslept.

Got up, ambled into town, checked my account and my next lot of money had come through so I had my hair cut, it grows like a nightmare at the moment and is thick and awful within weeks, so now it is thinned, then I went looking for a new backpack, finally found one on the market, a tall backpack with a waist strap, I suppose that is what I need because the weight of the old one with it's worn and twisted straps is getting too much for me.

I also got some pain relief gel, I used to get it on prescription but I refuse to be dependent on the huge amounts of prescriptions that the old doctor used to give me.

what else do I need now? some smarter clothes for next weekend, and possibly a pop up tent. I talked to cheerful recently and he says that no matter where I put up a tent in sattelite town I will get moved on by the police, he did, but I have a feeling that I can camp in the woodland nearby without being spotted.

time for some underwear shopping!

underwear! ;)

Hello bloggypeeps, I have actually managed to get some work done today, managed to get back to my writing for the first time in many months.
The weather here has been changeable as usual, and just for the sake of more writing (yeah right), I am going back in the bed and breakfast tonight, well, I haven't quite got the hang of sleeping rough in two towns and I still don't have enough bedding here at the moment.

I saw V. earlier, he was being a sk8r boi, it suits him, he has a nice skateboard and I was tempted to ask him if I could borrow it.
I used to have a little skateboard that was meant to strengthen my leg and help me surf better.

Yesterday when I was most miserable I found scotty sitting in a corner watching football on his laptop, a friendly face, it cheered me up.

Do you remember not so long ago when this was the time of day when I dreaded, when you bloggypeeps were my lifeline and I used to have to prepare to go out into the cold and dark for a hungry wait for soup kitchen and fear of the protesters or some of the more horrible people out there?
When did things change?
How did they change?
Was it the lifeline of the blog that brought me back to life, or time the great healer, or my friends here, or all of the above, probably the extra benefit money helped as well.

morning bloggypeeps, I don't know about good.

Flashbacks, terrible, sadness overwhelming, and as for the dreams, they are the most heartbreaking.

I dreamed I was little again, that I was with my dad and siblings and dad was harshly teaching us, I escaped from the teaching group and walked home to Hometown, the sadness got worse and worse, all the shame and unfairness was very real, I ended up in one of the churches in hometown, but for some reason I kept ending up in the creche while the congregation were outside like a pack of scary wolves, the babies in the creche were nice and happy and playing cheerfully, but I was scared to go out of the creche.

Eventually I went out of the creche, someone was looking for my brother who was having an alcohol break during the church service, but I was meant to sing, but the song was too sad so I couldn't sing it, instead I walked away sad and ashamed.
I wanted to go to roughtown but I couldn't because of the shame, the priest who supported my abusers is the main priest in roughtown now in real life and I would never go there, I was too ashamed to go there in my dream as well, but my heart was breaking to be in County A and the shame and exclusion and rejection were washing over me.

Thankfully I woke up, but the dream really upset me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5ew_qzC7bE&feature=autoplay&list=WL255582554EE93F7F&lf=plpp_video&playnext=1

Good morning, I slept in the bed and breakfast with no physical illness.
Woke up with terrors and wrote them down!

I have just had a shower and done my hygeine and had breakfast, now I need to sort my backpack out.

Eventually it was time for the church course, the church course allayed all my doubts and fears, and the priest handed me a parcel containing new walking boots! and some fine quality hiking socks!

back out into the night, I had told my friends I was sleeping rough tonight as the course goes on until late and I was due to head back to chavtown in the morning, but tomorrow I have to stay around and see the priest, so my friends said I could come back to the conservatory for the night anyway.

So I conservatoried and woke up when 'Thump' landed on the roof and thundered up and down.

My friend cooked us fried breakfast and then I was off into town to see the priest.

Well it all went well.
And I was off on the train after a quick stop for tea at the other church, and there I was back in chavtown,
no-one is around in chavtown apart from my angry ex-friend, and I didn't see her face to face either.

I booked into the bed and breakfast and braved the rain for a walk around, no one is around today, so I watched the Grand National and other things.

my hair smells of chrism oil.

I am going to sleep soon.

my new boots are lovely.

Hello to all the new readers, the statistics have gone up again.

last night I dreamed that my former family were moving to France, every time I tried to be strong and help them I found that everything kept getting done before I got there, boxes were packed when I went to pack them, and things were on the ship when i was going to put them on the truck.
Wierd.

I went to the daycentre and had a shower and some brekky.

Eventually we went to play football.
I sat and watched with another of our guys who has also been advised not to play because of his leg.

It was cold sitting, occasionally the sun came out and warmed us.

The game was a bit shambolic with not enough players and some not playing well.

Then it was back to the daycentre for some lunch.

Then I pottered back here.

I got my poundland shopping and went to look at boots, the cheapest pairs were not available in my size :( the ones I am wearing will do for now but are not ideal.

I sheltered from the storms by going in church and the library.

Then I came to my friends' house again, they have this guy who comes round sometimes and I can't stand him, so I read my book in the conservatory and fell asleep.

I have named that pigeon who lands on the roof and thunders up and down 'thump', Thump woke me up this morning.

It is cloudy, I am off to the daycentre soon, I will watch my friends play football later. :(

My money came through, I was able to walk to the post office near my friends' house, and then i got a day ticket to the daycentre.

I had a wash and some darn fine lunch at the daycentre, the staff were warning me about the council again.
I went into town and the lady at the chattery shop was also warning me about the council, grim, she was saying how horrible the lady is who I had to deal with.

Huh.

Anyway, I tried to do my poundland shopping, but they only had one till open and the que was huge.

The weather is wet, so I came in here to work, and as usual the computers and wifi here are screwed up and it's impossible to get much done.

good morning peeps, I am computing quietly as my friends are still asleep, I have a cuppa.
I do not remember my dreams.

I went in church for a while and then my friends came to collect me, we had supper and watched a film or two.
It is bitter cold outside.

I never wrote a summary of Easter really.
Well it was the dullest and most uneasterlike time I have known.
I didn't attend any easter services.
Maybe that is what is best, maybe that is what God wanted.
Maybe it kept me from getting distressed.

some of the outreach were there as I was leaving the library so I stopped to talk to them, then I went to try to find my lunch.

I found no stickers, but I did find a box of chicken nuggets with 8 left, so I ate those, then I sat in church and read, then I went searching again, found enough for a cup of tea and an ice cream, I won another hot drink from the ice cream carton, so I am saving that for later.


Now I am in the library.

Yesterday after McD's and some bin raiding I went to sit in church for a minute.

Then I phoned the daycentre and wailed miserably to them about having no bus money and that my clothes stank and my other clothes and bedding were soaking wet and my boots were on their last legs and I was tripping over the soles.

The daycentre staff conferred and said they were so short staffed that they couldn't pick me up, they said they would ring me back.
They rang back and asked if I had the bus fare to get there and they would reimburse me, I told them I had no money at all.
They said they would ring me back.
They rang me back and said that if I hurried to the bus station one of the staff would be there also waiting for the bus and she would get me a day ticket.

I scuttled in the direction of the bus station, as I scuttled and old lady fell over accross the road and no one noticed, I sprinted on all my bad legs and helped her up as she seemed unable to get up at all, she was pouring blood from a cut on her head, she must have hit her head.
Physical contact is not my thing but I held her up and put a tissue to the head wound and held it there, someone else took the lady's other arm and I picked her bag up and we helped her to the medical centre, which happened to be her doctor's surgery, and mine, the tissue was soaked with blood and and soemone got another one, there was blood everywhere, including on me, I can understand why Doc Martin gets sick at the sight of blood now, I felt sick, we sat the lady down and medical staff came to help her, she was dizzy, I hope they got an ambulance and got her to A&E, I bet they did. Afterwards I thought maybe she was on aparin or warfarin which would explain why there was so much blood.
Anyway, I scuttled very fast to get to the bus station in time, the daycentre lady grabbed me and we leaped aboard the bus. I scrubbed the blood off me with handwash gel.

At the daycentre they gave me clean socks and pants and I put some of my things in the washing machine and had a shower, then I went to get my other wet and dirty clothes and sleeping bag and put them in the wash.
I had a good lunch and lots of tea and sat and read while my washing cooked and my netbook charged.
I ended up staying until closing time, then I went back into town with all my heavy washing, went to the chattery shop, they had a pair of men's leather boots in my size, not ideal but better than the stinking disintegrating ones that I was wearing, they let me have these on credit because they know me and they didn't think I could go on walking in the boots I was wearing.

So here I was, all clean and in new boots, happy bunny.

I was getting tired from lack of sleep though, bin raiding only turned up a hot drink.

Two homeless men came past and asked if I had any change, I politely said no, and as they went on one said to the other 'she's homeless too, didn't you see her looking in the bin?', he replied 'I thought she was putting something in it'.

I went in church and dozed off with my book, the younger Father came to lock up and said hello. Then I went bin raiding, these new boots are rigid leather, not ideal as the tendons in my leg don't move the foot properly and the soft webbing walking boots encourage the foot to move, while the rigid leather keep the foot rigid and so it hurts like hell.  I also cannot put my orthotics in these boots as they are too narrow, but at least my ankle is supported. And at least I am wearing strong waterproof footwear that is not tripping me up.

The temperature shot down to freezing very quickly and I put my thermal top on, I came across Roar sitting with the bullying female immigrant, Roar roared hello to me and I went to chat, he handed me a delicious ham sandwich and rattled on about football and badminton and golf and alcohol, oh, it's tuesday night, drink and drugs night for some people, including these two.
For me it was just nice to see a familiar face and have a natter, and a sandwich!

It was cold though and my legs wouldn't hold me, so I told Roar that I was going to sit in the bus station, he told me not to catch a bus by accident.

Soon it was soup kitchen time, and that was good, well, lots of hot tea is very welcome on a bitter cold night, I also had crisps and chocolate and some cheese and pickle sandwiches, I do not like pickle but there was no choice.

The signs of it being drugs night were very obvious in the usual suspects, including Roar. I could see that by the time late night outreach came there would be all kinds of uproar.

After soup kitchen I just had an hour's wait for the bus and then I went to my friends' house and kipped down in their conservatory.

I slept for 11 hours and dreamed lots of whacky dreams.
I dreamed that my friend who died last year was alive and determined to have a baby, she was lining up surrogate mothers and having HRT.
I also dreamed I was on a very long escalator and realised it had stopped, I felt sick looking down this static escalator and I walked down carefully and tried to step over the electrical wires which were jumbled everywhere on the floor.
The other dreams were jumbled but someone I used to know popped into my dreams to ask where I was, she does this a lot at the moment, I am not sure why. I told her I was at King's Lynn. Hehe. Always tell people you are at King's Lynn.

My friend gave me a lift into town, my bin raids have come to nothing so far and I have survived on coffee morning coffee and the remains of the chocolate I got from soup kitchen last night. Soup kitchen was busy last night or I would have got more food to save.

The abcess in my jaw has returned, I am hoping it will get bored and wander off, but I may need to wait till next week and see my dear sweet dentist lady so she can put antibiotic paste in it.

Good morning bloggypeeps,

I survived the night, just about.

It is 6.20am and I am in McD's using my free food and drink tokens on tea and sausage and egg muffinything.

Last night my shirt and hair got hightly wet from the rain, I went to my stashplace and collected a dry roll mat, a dry blanket and part-dry duvet, two dry fleeces and a scarf, and I had the balaclava and hat in my backpack.
I walked back through the pelting rain to the disabled loo, took my wet top off and hung it up, put the dry fleeces on, sat under the hand dryer and dried my hair, washed my socks in the sink and dried them under the dryer, rubbed deep heat cream ninto my legs and feet, took the insoles out of my boots and rolled deodorant onto them as I have no spray left, re-tied my laces,  put the bedding down put the hat scarf and balaclava on, and tucked down to rest and endure the night and pray not to be disturbed.

I drifted and dozed until 5am when footsteps nearby startled me, but no one tried the door (it has a dodgy lock as well).
Got up, had a quick wash and sort out.
Stepped outside into freezing cold air, still quite dark but the rain had been replaced by a clear sky and freezing cold, I put my fleece jacket on and returned my things to my stashplace, which badly needs sorting out, then it was time to walk up to McD's.

The objective of a bad night like last night is to be somewhere fairly sheltered and also safe between midnight and 5am, being able to keep warm is a bonus and sleep is unlikely.
Toilet floors are very hard to sleep on, and when everything is damp and you don't have much bedding and you are on alert you don't really sleep.
It is better to be somewhere and try to rest than to wander at night and risk police intervention or mugging or exhaustion and harm from getting soaked.
Mission accomplished, survived the night.

Now I need to get back on track with my survival, the weather is going to stay bad after some sunshinbe today.

I spent most of today bin raiding in bad weather and some time sitting in church reading my book.

The weather wont let up.

my bad leg is working so well that I took the bandage off, so my left leg has taken to locking and seizing up instead.

I am in McD's trying to stay out of the weather for as long as possible.
I have been sheltering in the bus station.

I didn't have a wash until 3pm today, how lazy.

I went to soup kitchen very hungry this evening, the odds and ends at McD's were barely filling.
At soup kitchen I got thick hot soup, sandwiches, crisps, biscuits and tea.

Well I slept, had a few hours of insomnia and terror in the early hours, dozed off again, it rained a lot during the night.
I dreamed a lot, dreamed that someone threw Patrick Giraffe at me and that I was with my angry cold family and they had competing televisions, dreamed someone was after one of them for a murder, wasn't surprised at all.
Woke up, tried to stay in bed as long as possible, had breakfast.

Oh well.

I went to church, not mass, evening service accross the road, endured 20 minutes and fled.

grumped my way to McD's and got a tea and an apple pie, the weather was turning bad.
Got a phonecall asking if I wanted my conservatory and if so they would collect me, they collected me and we went to yet another McD's and got supper from the drive through scive through.

We talked, and I ended up here and everyone is in bed, I am going back out into the wild tomorrow as they have family to stay, and they can drop me off in town, yay :)

Good evening from the scive-thru,

I managed the long trek into town, it is miles, literally.
The rain kept me cool, and there was dense enough woodland for a toilet stop.
When I got to town there was a choice of stop at church and join the service or go and use a voucher to get breakfast, I went and got breakfast, then I went bin raiding, so far Easter church has been ruined, so there was no point in struggling to go into a packed church.
I did go to one of the churches after the service and they arranged for me to have a shower. I needed a shower, I was hot and sweaty from walking.

At lunch I used some vouchers to get some snacks, then I just kept walking and checking bins, no Easter church, no easter egg, no easter roast meal, just walking and walking.

Thankfully soup kitchen was at 3.30, so I went there and was cheered up to be reunited with my homeless pals, Cap kept me company and ensured I got enough tea, and we spoke to a student who was doing a project on homelessness, he sketched pictures of all of us around the soup kitchen.

Then there was an oppotunity to go to a church for a service and a meal, but I couldn't cope with the church, so I walked up here and here I am on my little machine, used two vouchers for a tea and an apple pie.

I am on my way to mass in a minute, hm.
The weather remains bad, I do not know how I will get through tonight, but all that matters is the hot bright noisy house arrest is over.

Happy Easter!

My friends kindly let me sleep in the conservatory last night. 

I woke up this morning feeling so much better, now I just have to work out how I am going to walk to town from here.

Once I am in town I will stay there, I feel so trapped and isolated here, and I don't belong in a house, I buzz about and disrupt things because houses make me ill and unhappy, I am having really bad flashbacks and I feel worthless.

It keeps raining, but all I can think is that when I get to town I will do my bins and see my friends.

I need my way of life, no matter what everyone wants for me.

Hello bloggypeeps,

I ended up staying here at my friends house and watching films, we played scrabble and I read my book.

I felt more ill.

I ended up staying here but I had a very uncomfortable night, I was not well and by 3am I had to get up and get painkillers, then I rested on the sofa in one of my rough sleeping blankets, eventually I slept again and woke up groggily when my friends got up, we all had showers and finished our scrabble game from last night, and today has been spent sitting here too hot and seizing up and having flashbacks and being in pain. I am helpless, I cannot walk into town and I have no money left.
We have watched films and watched a disasterous Oxford and Cambridge boat race, well at least the right team won.

It is passover but I cannot get lamb and bitter herbs, I am stuck in the hothouse and helpless, I need my outdoors, but I am ill and if I go out I have miles to walk to town and two days of nowhere to go, it poured with rain all night and I don't have enough dry bedding to keep warm properly if I sleep rough.

Hello bloggypeeps,

I went to town to go to church and but I was not feeling well, I was nearly sick on the bus, I had a cuppa at church two and tried to go to church one, but church two was too crowded and I had lost my service times sheet for church one and they were not doing the normal midday service, my old friend came by and told me there was a service at 3pm, but I was feeling so ill and my other friend had told me to come home at 2pm and have some food - which means half a bank holiday has gone by without me being hungry or with nowhere to go.

I was going to have lunch with my friend and collect my blankets from their house and go back to my sleeping place as I felt so ill, but I have ended up staying here wrapped in a blanket and watching movies and reading a book. Three quarters of the bank holiday is gone, and my friends have gone to the supermarket so here I am, blogging. :)

It is bitter cold and cloudy outdoors.

Good Friday morning!

I feel sick.

I am alone in my friends' house, they have gone to work and to visit people, I am heading into town in a minute, the buses are running a sunday service, well yesterday they were hardly running at all :( cross face.

Last night we watched a movie but I was getting flashbacks, I went to sleep and woke up with terrors.

My head and neck are distinctly grumbling about being indoors, my face and throat and everything feel too dry and I feel ill, it is easier to be at someones house over bank holidays than be on the streets with everything closed, but it is upsetting my system a lot.

I feel terrible, sorry God for the angry things I said and did in reaction to being abused and hurt, amen.

I must head for church soon.

why the sudden interest in the blog? :p

God, I feel ill.

Yesterday the weather remained bad, I heckled my verger friend and had some food at the church, and at the daycentre,
raided the bins and didn't get much, got some new bedding to replace the wet bedding.

Tried to go to mass but couldn't.

V. says his rolex is worth 10.5 thousand now, and he says he is meeting with a stunning girl, hm.

Raffish was in the library as well and I said hi to him.

Well this is it, goodbye to chavtown again...until next week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8P8UFLuusmw

There was a very dodgy bloke on the train, he kept coming and hanging round near me until I asked him to go away or I would report him to the guard, and he did.

Pelting cold windy rain, I arrived in sattelite town and went to my friends' house.

Slept fairly peacefully.

Woke up at 5am with racing thoughts but not really terrors or flashbacks.  needed the loo.

got up at 7.45, had breakfast and headed for the daycentre, had more breakfast and a shower, went to have my leg x-rayed, then went to the church's easter cafe.
Went back to the daycentre to pick up some tins in case I go hungry over easter.

went to stash the tins, put my thermal top on because it is cold.

had some lunch - at 16.00, not good to leave it that late.

Here I am.

The weather is absolutely terrible for sleeping out, so I have parked myself at the bed and breakfast again.
My room, my home from time to time, the place where I am left alone but I have terrible distresses. Comfortable and familiar, a place where I always intend to do some writng and sort out my blog but I don't get anything done.
There is limitless tea but I bring my own teabags as the teabags are daycentre style, horrible.

I am comfortable here out of the weather, though I dd just walk up the road to post a letter to my old pals at the mission, who I long ago stopped struggling to walk to see because it was too far and it wasn't working.
I like bad weather but I need sleep, more than ever I need sleep, I get so tired and so overwhelmed by the flashbacks.

I found several good monopoly stickers earlier, two hot drinks ones and a sugar donut one, all for the collection.

I am worried about that rough sleeping female I met the other morning, she is sleeping near one of my sleeping places and begging for change, not good for me.

Patrick is going to stay here in chavtown, it is a time of endings and uncertainty and here is where our hearts were.

Goodbye Giraf.

I have a funny memory of last week, the big guy who called me a bitch and slag the other week but who is now 'friends', he was at football and he was winding me up so I was punching him with one arm while trying to drink my water, he now professes to love me, what an odd world I live in! :)

V. has a rolex watch that cost him 7.5 thousand apparently.
Why would anyone spend such money on a watch?

Especially when he sometimes tells me he has no money.

The weather isn't as bad as forecast - yet.

I saw a duvet for sale for a few pounds, but when I returned with a few pounds it had gone, I should have had it saved, can duvets be confirmed?

I went to midday mass and stations of the cross, led by my friends.

I have also watched cheerful's pitch a few times for him, he gave me a pound coin in return for some loose change so I could put my backpack in a locker for the day. It is cheerful's birthday today.

Gloomy is totally blanking me, but he is a queer old chap so I will not worry too much.

I haven't tried the bins today really, I got a good freebie yesterday which I am saving for when I go back to sattelite town.

I went to the daycentre earlier and had a cuppa and a sandwich, they also gave me a black bag to waterproof my bedding.

The weather turned bad so I am in the bed and breakfast.

I need to stop being indoors because the distress is getting too much.

I went to have my therapy to help with walking.
It was very intensive, very.
And though things have got better, there is still work to do.
My right leg has been bad the last few days. The therapist says that I shouldn't play football at the moment, not until my leg is better.
He adjusted the orthotics again as well.

I have an x-ray when I return to sattelite town, and that will help work out what to do next.

I got a walking stick to help with the staggering and difficulty standing up when I have been sitting.

I went to the daycentre for a cuppa.

I am exhausted again now.

I went to church and enjoyed the procession and all the usuall stuff, invited a few friends to the special party in sattelite town later this month.

Then i had a quick lunch at the market and a major treasure hunt for McD's monoploy stickers, I did well out of that hunt but it wore my legs out.
So I hobbled up to my friends' and had supper with them, then we watched TV and talked and then it was bath and bed time.

I dreamed about an enthusiastic autistic boy who was trying to help out in a restaurant and struggling, but then he overcame autism with neurotypical by realising someone's toast was too dark and offered them some better toast, then he was on his break and he went to play on a tyre swing by a river, then I became him or he became me and I was on an island in the river, then the water was rising rapidly and me and my sister were on this rapidly flooding island and the boat was washed away while people on the banks screamed and tried to get help, I leapt after the boat holding onto my sister and managed to miss the boat and get us to the bank instead, and there we lay, exhausted. I woke up and felt sad.
5.30am, went to the toilet and then tucked back in the comfy bed, dreamed again, dreamed of my twin brothers, that they were making life hell for me, as they used to, but one of them I kept kicking, hitting, knocking down, while the other was untouchable and kept being very rude and nasty.

I woke up with the terrors, not because of the dream, just because.

I had breakfast with my friends, and a good natter, they don't think they are going to get to the party.

Me and my friend had a funny conversation yesterday, about angels, she said she thought I was an angel when she met me, haha. We always have at least one very valuable conversation when we meet.

I just had a raid of the bins but there is nothing, well, I had an epic haul yesterday so that is ok, enough to tide me over easter. I stopped to chat to cheerful and mind his pitch, he is glad that I am going to sell the big issue, and I thanked him for reminding me to collect monopoly stickers.

good morning bloggypeeps.
someone here in chavtown is reading my blog.
I slept in the bed and breakfast but the dreams of church and all the terrible and unjust things overwhelmed me.