https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVyggTKDcOE

It's the lyrics 'I saw the end before we began' today.
Sometimes love is like that.
I saw the end before we began.
Those of you have followed my writing since 2014 will remember that I chose to settle and to love, despite the very real and overpowering risk to my life and wellbeing by the church if I did. I chose to love again, even though nothing could heal the way I was ripped from Jersey, and Jersey was ripped from me.
I also, as you know, chose not to take up offers of accommodation and work in Jersey after the church attacked me in the press in 2013, because I knew it wasn't safe or sustainable, and again, I was correct. Instead I chose here, and rather than fall in love as I did with Jersey, I chose to love, against that risk that turned to reality. Knowing that the likelihood of my weakness in choosing to love and settle would cost me my life at the hands of the church.  And now we have re-enacted every scene of Jersey, we have gone backwards forwards, to the same outcome, or is it?

If you try to reconstruct a situation, the strengths and weaknesses are reversed, and that was the gamble.

So here we are at the end.

 So here we are at the end,
and in the end, there is never enough time,
it is always sudden, time runs out,
and all I can do, is say I love you. Break our unwritten rule,
but sometimes short time is a mercy. 

Now I watch you,
I see your beauty, your life,
I see everything I love,
and I try to memorize it beyond time, 
so that it can never ever leave me.

If only someone would speak,
break the silence and the tears,
and tell me that it is all a dream,
and that I can live alongside you, 
gruffly pretending not to care, forever. 

I wake in the night and the dreams turn to tears,
How can this be? How can you and I be parted?
How can our mutual pretence of indifference be brutally ended?
I know you,  you are my life, my lifeline.
You held me here and we had an agreement. 

Will I forget you one day?
Forget what you look like? 
Will I laugh in scorn,
At our bond?
I don't think so. 

Here I watch the sunset on the jagged clouds
The grey water shining in the fading light
I turn my head so that no one can see my tears
My broken heart.
I loved you so very very much.