Wednesday 4.15am

Good morning peeps,

Well the wind is blowing the rain against the windows.

I went to bed early but have had a troubled  night. It is rare for me to be up at 4am these days, I left that behind in my last life.

I wasn't sleeping well and when I woke a few hours ago, I was tense, my jaw was hurting which means I was clenching or grinding, but I couldn't get back to sleep even with the bite guard in.

The problem with waking or half-waking in the night is that it can start flashbacks because my mind isn't fully conscious and only knows I am distressed and so it runs through everything I might be distressed about.
I can assure you it isn't fun, and if I don't sink into deeper sleep and can wake enough to get up, then that is the only way out.
The problem with night time flashbacks is they are very hard to record because they fade out suddenly and especially when I am awake I am only vaguely aware of what they were. I am not sure how conscious people are in flashbacks, that is why I had to be careful with driving. But I can usually be steady through daytime flashbacks but night time ones are much worse. This used to worry the psychologist, especially as I used to get trapped between sleeping and waking, well actually that is what has happened this morning.

The problem with being awake at this time is that I have a medicines parcel due today so I need to be awake later, and I have a tutorial this evening too. But I will be wrecked if I don't sleep for a few hours, and I daren't risk more disrupted nights.

I am unlikely to get distribution work done in this weather, which is due to last all day.

Disrupted sleep is another pointer to relapse, so disrupted sleep and losing grip and dropping things, the next phase is exhaustion and possibly pain.

I must get more sponsors for the walk, if you want to sponsor me, send loads of dollars.

Guernsey, get off my blog, you know I hate it!