Saturday Evening

Good evening,

Well I stayed sick in bed most of the day, and eventually wandered into some clothes and caught the bus to town and to church.
The sea was still rough but not as wild as it was earlier apparently.

I went to vigil Mass. Those who don't know what that means, it is a Sunday Mass on a Saturday evening, so that means if I have a bad night or am sick or dizzy in the morning, I have been to church so I don't have to worry.
I was dizzy during Mass, I didn't dare to go up, especially as St. Joseph had come alive and was doing a little dance.

After Mass it was so cold outside, I wasn't sure I could get home, but I warmed up as I walked, and the cold night air refreshed me.
The weather is either storms or cold, alternately.
I was due to walk along the front with my social group tomorrow and get a coffee, but I cancelled, it will be very windy and I am not well.

I managed to get a loaf of bread, which was good as I have almost no food. I came home, and I had some beans to go with the bread, and a bit of peanut butter.
I will have peanut butter on toast for breakfast.

Tomorrow afternoon I will meet with the welfare, and they will give me some food and probably a hot meal and we will talk.
I am disorientated and low and ill, two moves since the lovely flat was condemned, struggling to make ends meet, things unsettled here, and I am indeed working on the progression into self-employed work, no other real options here and now after what the diocese have done and the lack of car or ability to explain four years out of work and what the hell happened.

The new life, self-employed but with backup from benefits, will not be easy, there is a mountain of paperwork, there is no guaruntee it will work out, but I have to try, because sitting around in poverty, however disabled I now am, is not working, I am open to abuse this way, open to bad tenancies, rogue landlords and tenants, remaining in the underworld that is the same as the streets underworld, but trying to find money for the rent each week, trying to find money for food, it is more expensive than sleeping rough and making use of outreach, daycentres and free food and clothing, and bins. So I can't go on sitting here in rags and shambles.
Work won't be easy, it will be more stress, but I have no choice, it is like standing on a diving board, you either jump or you go back.

I am sitting on my mattress, watching Buffy but it is nearly bed time.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks about Jersey and the churchwarden and his wife.
But last night it was Jane Fisher and the Diocese nightmares that woke me at 4am.